Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

It's late. I snoozed this morning for a half an hour and got up in my own time, knowing I already had a sandwich and all made. Mum told me I was driving myself to school. I left regular time anyway. Da had been talking to Xandor about his being sick again. I think the family is actually talking about the possibility of there being something psychological going on too. I mean, we've all wondered, but we haven't talked until now. I remember when I was bullied I stayed home a lot, but the difference was that I told Mum what was going on. I told her I was being bullied. So though I got physically sick more often than I did at other points in my life, there were also days that instead of faking sickness (which Xandor is known for doing) I would say, "Mum, I'm scared of how Hannah would treat me today and I don't want them to be mean to me. May I stay home?" and usually she would let me. Still, Xandor hasn't talked to any of us about it.

Drove to school and got there the earliest I've been there, around 7:20. It was wonderful. So peaceful with the birds singing and the overcast sky with nearly no one there. The day I can portray the way those times feel to me is the day I will truly consider myself a writer.

Mrs. Cav wasn't there yet, so I sat by the tree reading the book on Buddhism. She came late and was all dressed up for Aggie spirit day. I realized I had forgotten, but then remembered it didn't do much anyway--blue and yellow are the colors I have least of. Not enough to have an Aggie spirit day. And I don't have any Aggie clothing with the Aggie logo, so I was doomed for spirit day anyway. I shadowed her while she went into her room and put her stuff away. Talked to her about Xandor and how I'll probably talk to him some time soon. I want to give him a little space after our parents interrogated him first, though. They're trying to help, but as parents it's hard. He might talk to me. I'm not sure. He wants me to play World of Warcraft with him more often. Usually that makes us closer, and he does talk to me about stuff sometimes.

First period with Kleppy and Makuchan was great. We worked on a weird little packet with hypothetical ethical and moral situations. They're not really into ethics and morals--they count on me for that, when I'm there. Second period I went off to flori and finished my corsage write-up, which I wrote last night. Had to get prices in there. Then we worked on the "flori monopoly" we have to create for the class. I wanted a Flori Fun Amusement Park so we got to make one, and it inspired me to write a wonderfully silly story with a rather large cast.

Third and fourth period were tricky. Makuchan had deflated while I wasn't there, and I was confused as to what was going on. We got in an argument over something petty that didn't matter at all (the name of a hypothetical, monopoly-game floral arrangement shop) and it hurt both of us. I thought she went to sleep, so I asked Kleppy what was wrong with her. Kleppy replied, "She's just tired" and Makuchan flew herself backwards in her desk across the room screaming, "I'm not tired!" Kleppy looked on blankly, turned to me, and said, "I definitely remember her turning to me and saying, 'Lindsay, I'm wicked tired.'" So we were both confused at that point. I wrote and we listened to music and sometimes looked at the bugs Mrs. Brodeur had under the microscope. Makuchan moved so she was sitting under Mrs. Brodeu'rs desk. Kleppy fed her. There was tension. I wrote Makuchan an apology note and I know she read it, but she didn't reply.

Phichs was, as usual, pretty normal. We finished up the questions. I wrote Makuchan another mini apology note and she didn't even bother to pick it up off the desk. She knocked it off when she walked out. I was quite sad. We have a quiz in the class tomorrow. During lunch I talked with Mrs. Cav about Makuchan not talking to me and all. Then I asked how she put up with my emails from sophomore year--they were so long! Way longer than my livejournal entries, somehow. She said she managed. She liked them, apparently. We were talking about the V strawberry mark we were both born with as babies when she took on that far away look, and then she looked as though she was going to say something but Morgy and Kelly walked in so she didn't. That's okay. We all had a fun time talking and eating. Kelly asked something like, why did I chose to go through all these surgeries? So I made the whole thing sound like a choice for personal growth and it was fun. Then I explained how I had fractured my hip from taking hormonal-hiding drugs as a child so I wouldn't have precocious puberty and all that stuff. It's a long story.

Hers we reviewed then had study. Bethaloupe and Booby stole my story from me and started reading it. They teased me. It was fine--they thought it was fun. :]. English was alright. We're doing The Color Purple! I'm excited. I loved that book. I kept doing meditative breaths and was amazed by how new everything looks when I open my eyes after having them closed. It's so neat.

Got a 90 on the quiz in math, then realized at the end that she had missed one of the notes I had put on it and that I actually deserved a 95, so I went up and she fixed it. I was happy. I asked Makuchan if she was speaking to me again and she said she had never stopped, she was just tired (there was more confusion because she had been yelling about it that morning) and she admitted that her home life was bad. So I just gathered she had taken a bit of it out on me. I forgive her. I hope her home life gets better, but somehow it never does. :[. She apologized in her own Makuchan sort of way...

Talked with Dawn and then introduced her, somewhat, to Mrs. Cav. She was scurrying about so she could head off, but joined in the conversation every once in a while. I knew Dawn was afraid of teachers she didn't have so I kept talking a lot to keep her comfortable. She reminded me that in freshman year we used to have lunch in Mrs. Smith's room--it's how we really met, and it's how I met Tristan. I had completely forgotten. But oh, what fun it was!

Then we hung out because she was going to the tech prep banquet. I was alerted to the fact that I had to get my brother to a doctor's appointment at 4:45, but I also had to be home at 4:45 to be picked up by Dana and Diane. I continued to hang out with Dawn for a while. When we heard McSpleeny (who I accidentally called "Andrew" earlier in the day and much fun was had), Barnaby, and Antionette coming I said, "Hey, lets hide!" So Dawn jogged forward and I crawled up the wall and plopped myself in the bushes. When they came around it was quite humorous. I screamed for the effect and hopped up. Dawn said I had been like Spiderman, haha. They laughed about my being in the bushes as I wiped the remaining needles from my hair. "Well, I mean, I knew you were there 'cause I saw the Kiwi...droppings," McSpleeny said, referring to my backpack, purse, and crutches. It was fuuuuun!

Then I got going. Called Pashi to find out what was going on. She's not going. I was really disappointed at first, 'cause I guess I felt a bit used--like, I had gotten all excited thinking I could help her out and that she would be into it, but then she wasn't and was somewhat pulling it out. But I realized that I've been in that spot before and it's no fun--having memories of a fun place but knowing that somehow, that time around, it wouldn't work out for me to go even knowing that it would probably be fun to some degree. So I felt bad but I was glad I had still done the, "Give me a yes or a no and I'll know what to do" sort of thing. I'll miss her and all and I'm glad we talked. I think Ferry Beach will be a very different place this year, for multiple reasons.

Picked a dress, drove Xandor to the doctor's office, and came back. Dana called and said she would be late. (I started reading Silent Spring out loud and I LOVE it. Which reminds me that I can't find the book on Buddhism. I'll find it tomorrow.) They came late and told me Pam and Madi weren't coming. We got majorly lost and it took us around three hours to get to the place in Boston. Dana's a very intense person and Diane is very funny and laid back--they were fun to be with. Dana can be very neat too.

I loved the gay marriage celebration gathering. First we listened to comedians. Funny! Then Deval Patrick spoke. It was interesting. He knew how to end with claps, which was good--he said a few things that left us confused halfway through the statement, but he managed to finish in a good way so we would clap. Then we had music! At first a woman and a man went out to dance--possibly swing dance. It took a long time for people to trickle out. I was dancing from where I was up above on the balcony-like-thing, as much as I could. I know I would have been out there on the floor if I could have. Eventually more people trickled out. They played "modern" music, the stuff played on the radio a few years ago, and it amused me--they dance to it much better than a lot of the peers I see dancing, in my opinion! In some ways. :P. It was wonderful to watch and dance. I can't wait until next year when I can join in. I saw young couples, old couples, middle-aged couples--straight couples, gay couples, transgender. All dancing together, happily. (Lots of lesbians dancing, I noticed. :P.) It was so beautiful. There was one lesbian couple almost right beneath me...it was just so beautiful to me. They made me extra thankful that I was there. They were just so...comfortable with one another. Laughing and loving and playful and caring. Not always 100% in tune with each other, but they managed to whisper and laugh and work things through. In the end, they looked like quite a team. Someday I want to find that.

It feels weird to want to be an adult to be able to be with adult lesbians. I mean in that "adult" way that isn't just sex. Of course I don't want just sex--I want emotional connection and something deeper than just physical. I'm waiting, waiting. I wish I didn't fall for older people. I fall for peers sometimes, but generally not the ones where anything will work out. I'm lonely. I'll admit to that--I am. And for once I don't feel unattractive (large sometimes, but I work through that) or stupid or any of that. So here I wait, sometimes throw out searching tendrils. I always wonder, when will it be my turn to fall? I hope soon. It will come in time. I am just lonely. I wait.

I slept most of the ride home. Replied to Brittles' email requesting advice for her not having her major--she lost Natural Resources the way I did. I try to be patient with her. I tried to send something helpful that would also get her to talk to people about her needs and get her to try to figure out things she can find on her own--extra classes, an hour a day of research, mentors, shadowing people on a job, getting people to teach subjects that interest her... So I hope it helped.

I'm tired now. It's midnight. My homework is done, so I don't have to worry about that. Tomorrow isn't a huge day.

Nightnight, everyone. Sweet dreams! I'll sing you a lullaby.

I hope I'll be able to dance with all of you some day. I love dancing. If you don't want to dance, you don't have to--I'll dance around you and with you, without you dancing. But you'd be surprised. I tend to get people dancing somehow. :D.

I'll be dancing with you in my dreams!
Tags: mrs. cavanagh
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