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09 May 2007 @ 11:03 pm
Good gods, I'm just a mess.

Not in that normal 'Kiwi-is-a-mess' way. No panic attacks in school, no random bursting into tears, no running to people just to share my soul.

This one is different. I'm shrugging school off. Not as in I'm trying any less or anything--I'm still trying my best and it's still apparent, I just don't panic so much. And if I get two points off, big whoop, two points. Little disappointment and then it's over, because how much are two points on a test in junior year going to affect my life? I don't even care, seriously. It's a 98. I'll live.

I still have the urge to cry at random though. Sometimes when I'm talking, sometimes when I'm silent. My body wants to cry. Maybe my soul, maybe even my mind. I don't know.

This time last year and the year before, I was asking, "What's going on with me? I don't understand."

This year I just feel sad. And this year, I KNOW that my mindset is off. The years prior I didn't know, didn't understand.

This year I look to the future and see the immediate negatives, and I know that's off. It isn't Kiwi. That's not what I do when I'm normal and healthy. When I'm normal and healthy, I look to the obstacles and plan how I can continue to work through them to find positive outcomes or at least learn from them.

Currently, I just look at them at cry.

I think: "I can't wait for it to be summer."
and then I think, "No wait, 6 days out of school and I get my hip replace so I have to recover for a month and re-learn how to walk and live. Then three weeks of camp in which I don't see my school or church friends. Then summer reading."

I think: "Fine, then I can't wait for senior year."
and then I think, "But wait, no. I'm going to have to do an extra AP course or two with the local high school, plus all my regular classes including Spanish and probably not enough studies, plus two SATs throughout the year and an SAT course as well as planning for going abroad and how it's going to happen."

I think: "Okaaaay then, I can't wait for college."
and then I think, "I'll be so busy catching up with everyone, because they went through English school systems and were specialized in at least something they wanted to do by the time they graduated. They're farther ahead than I am and I'll have to play keep up while doing all this work."

Normally, I would be excited for the chance to have a new hip for the first time in more than three years. Normally, I would be drooling at the idea of Rowe and all its spectacular, nature-y wonders. Normally, I would be excited for senior year and all the new fun I get to experience with my new baby hip. Normally, I would be looking to college with anxious excitement and smiling an unsure but hopeful smile.

I like spending time at Snoopy's. I hate being at my house, alone with myself in my room. I don't inspire myself to do my work. I barely motivate myself to write or talk to people, or even turn on the TV. I sit and steam. Not meditate--I can barely do my evening 20-minute meditations nowadays.

I can't sleep well. I think I have bad dreams haunting me, but I can never remember them. Possibly something about going to talk to people and talking about hair and eyelashes and my skin tone while underneath, I'm screaming. Silent screaming. I don't even know what I'm screaming because I can't hear myself.

Something like that. It's the image I have when I wake up.

School is going well. I get happy when I'm in school. I stay happy for a while when I'm home. I get sad. I call Snoopy, force a smile onto my face and a giggle into my voice, and go over. Get a bit happier but feel okay enough to let my guards down. Motivate myself to do my work.

I still don't feel I can fully talk to anyone, and I don't know what to SAY either. That's the most frustrating part. Over the years I've learned to talk with people, learned to get things out. Currently I can make up an excuse to keep me from talking to ANYONE, even knowing that they're usually not true.

Snoopy -- too much of her own stuff, I don't know what to say, it would be "awkward" (Dear Kiwi, define "awkward.")
Mrs. Cav -- tries to give advice, give answers, gets uncomfortable around negative topics and gets slightly squirmy.
Parents -- start talking about college.
Brother -- doesn't get it, too much into the freshman-boy mindset.
Church friends -- busy or far away or too snappy online and makes me cry.
Other teachers -- too personal, not comfortable enough.
Guidance councilor -- ...haha.
Therapist -- gets paid to (which is a really weird excuse, but my brain has its own inner--odd--logic that somehow still half makes sense).
School friends -- either don't care, have too much on their plates, or wouldn't get it. Or give me advice. Or get uncomfortable and start squirming.
Muggzzey -- doesn't talk back, only wants me for my food.

There. Excuses for everyone.

Enough angsting into my livejournal. I want to get better. I really do. And I still can't wait for hip replacement--it's always on my mind. It doesn't leave. Ever.
Chevy Eliot: Hugstattooedsappho on May 10th, 2007 04:04 am (UTC)
i wish i could make it all better for you.
oh - and i TOTALLY get the whole therapist thing. ::nods::
never enough angst on LJ! never! didn't you know they created LJ specifically to be an angst depository?? see...learn something new every day. ;) ::hugs:: (cuz you can never have too many hugs, damnit!)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 10th, 2007 10:38 am (UTC)
Nawr, if it were all better for me I wouldn't have the opportunity for spiritual and personal growth! :3.

Haha. You're right. LJ was created for angst and drama (usually of the angsty variety).

-Hugs bacccccck.-

Thanks. :D.

redbeargrlredbeargrl on May 10th, 2007 04:15 am (UTC)
Tattooedsapho said it right. You can't have too many hugs. *Bear hugs Kiwi*
Hip replacement. My friend Barb had hers done today. New proceedure, they went in from the front, no muscle cutting involved. She starts heavy PT tomorrow and will be home this weekend.
Bear hopes yours goes as well. PS Barb is in her seventies so for you it should be a piece of cake.
*Bear hugs agian*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 10th, 2007 10:41 am (UTC)
-Kiwi-hugs back.- (Odd mental image there, a kiwibird with such small "arms" hugging a bear back...)

I don't think they're going through the front on mine, but I'm not sure. They'll probably cut through the place they've cut through four times already. Mine surgery is a lot harder, though, 'cause I have a fibula shoved up in my hip. So the doctor has to work around that to get my hip and fibula out. I wish I could say I'm CONFIDENT that he can do it, but I'm getting there. At least my auto-response isn't, "I bet he can't" anymore.

Thanks. I hope mine goes well. Yeah, I tend to bounce back quickly. I'm a resilient little weed! <3.

redbeargrlredbeargrl on May 11th, 2007 02:21 pm (UTC)
No matter how difficult your surgery may be or how long it takes you to heal...please know that on the day of your operation I will have several candles burning for you and send a Bear spirit to hold you and comfort you.

Wish I could make the pain go away. *HUGZ*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 11th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :). I think I was told once or twice that a bear was one of my spirit animals. That is very comforting. Thank you again.

-Hugs.- But without this pain, I wouldn't have all this spiritual growth! :].

Leilevelcro_panda on May 10th, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC)
I feel the exact same way right now. I just want to run out of all my classes screaming. Just want to run until i'm out of breath. And miles away from this town. The only thing that's keeping me going right now, is summer. Because this summer, is going to be epic. It has to be.

Things will look up. I know that for a fact. ♥


Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 10th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
Mmm. I can't exactly run from classes. :P. I wish I could. Summer isn't exactly keeping me going. I mean, I'm excited for having a new hip. I really am. It's just facing another recovery that's a nuisance, knowing I won't be able to drive and all for a month.

Thanks. I know they'll look up. :]. For you too.

Yay hugs!

Leilevelcro_panda on May 11th, 2007 12:11 am (UTC)
XP i knew that. gosh i'm horribly forgetful sometimes. well, good luck with your surgery and the recovery, and just think soon, you'll have a new hip! ♥

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 11th, 2007 01:07 am (UTC)
Nawr, I knew it was more the symbolism that was important--the getting away rather than actually *running,* haha. Thank you. I'm excited to have a new hip...

Yay hugsssss. Hugs are fabulous. :]. -Hugs back.-

Leilevelcro_panda on May 12th, 2007 05:27 am (UTC)
haha, i'm glad i felt like an idiot there for a moment. i'm happy your getting a new one. :D
Kiwi Crocus: Fool.cranky__crocus on May 12th, 2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
Ah, but according to tarot, when we are the fool there is no where to go but forward. :). So much to learn! Being the fool is superbly fun.

Leilevelcro_panda on May 13th, 2007 11:01 pm (UTC)
haha, how true. i always wanted to try tarot. i've seen the cards, but never had a reading.

i gotta add that to my list of things to try.
Katwyld_kat on May 10th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
Love, I know it's hard and you're not feeling together right now but you'll get there. It takes some time but it's all passing. You're forever in my prayers and should you need me ever for anything at all, let me know.

*many hugs*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 10th, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm glad to always know that. :). It's just tough sometimes, so I need to let things out. At the same time that I'm mentally unstable, underneath it is a stable, thinking Kiwi-mind. It just gets hidden in the mists of those panics and all. So I do, somewhere deep inside, always know that I'll get there and it'll pass.

Thank you for the prayers. :].

-Hugs back.-

champagnexhighchampagnexhigh on May 11th, 2007 01:02 am (UTC)
pfft i didnt get an excuse which forces you to talk to me. even though we arent as tight as a 90 lb virgin im still always here.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 11th, 2007 01:09 am (UTC)
They were excuses NOT to talk to people. :). So you don't really WANT an excuse... but mainly yours is a time thing I make up in my head.

(I'm deceptively skilful at finding excuses NOT to talk to people--especially since I usually just make up the excuses and I know it but I don't stop anyway. Bad, bad Kiwi.)

Ohman. I love your language. As tight as a 90 lb virgin. You make my life.

I know you're always here. :). Thank you. I'm here for you too.

Kentthe__empress on May 11th, 2007 02:37 am (UTC)
I don't have too much of my own stuff to be able to listen to you, I promise. And it's not awkward, whatever you define awkward as. Talk to me anytime =).
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 11th, 2007 10:44 am (UTC)
Thank you. :). I like when people point out that my excuses are made up, 'cause they are. I'm hoping I'll be able to talk soon.

At this point, I think my body is preparing for break down. I'm okay with that. So when I break down next time, it won't be this huge surprise. I think it will be more of a relief. It's only a question of whether I'll find a time I'm comfortable enough to break down so at least I have some part in the timing, or if I won't feel comfortable enough and it'll come at whatever time it wants.

Either way, I think I'll be relieved when it finally comes. I'm glad it won't take me hugely by surprise like it did last year and the year before. This time I know what my body/mind/spirit are headed for and it's okay, because the stuff I'm headed for as a person is very scary and so I understand.

Tarrintarrinthetree on May 12th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
Oh, honey.


I know we've fallen out of contact, but you have my number-- give me a call any time.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 12th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC)
-Squishes back.- I still consider you a great friend of mine, even though we don't so much talk anymore. You're still a close friend of mine.

I'll give you a call next time. :). Beware, though--I don't normally think to really use the phone unless I'm upset and need someone to talk to me. Not necessarily work me through a breakdown or anything, but to tell me stories or something, you know?