Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

Gods. It's hard to think about posting when it all seems quite dark and repetitive. "Friend's still dead; I'm still sad. Job's still hard; I still cry. Dog's still dead; Mum's still mad; I'm still pretty destroyed inside." My dog's death and the four-month anniversary of Tom's death were so close that I can tell already my brain has linked them up together.

'bout 10 minutes before I have to leave for work again. Another four days with 'my class' and another hectic Friday of science teaching and painting, even if by some bizarre and bitter hilarity this last Friday's work day was the best I've had yet.

Last night I dreamt of dog beds and work: endless dog beds everywhere, sometimes filled with dogs; terrible classroom meetings with my class, in my old playroom, and caught by a colleague closing an annoying child in a Lego box. My stupid brain. Woke up and started crying.

I know the old "when it rains it pours" and the superstition of things coming in threes.

I know my 'three' doesn't really count (my job is hard and sometimes horrible, but it is a job) but if you could lay off me for a while, Universe, I would really appreciate it. I could do with a little peace and serenity if you had some to spare. Please. This is about the closest I come to outright praying. I feel as though a feather could not only bowl me over, but pummel me with a single touch.

I want to curl up in bed for a week. I want to do it with the little furry personal heater I've had for more than half my life--but of course I can't; he's in my freezer. I want to not be making posts like this and yet they're the only posts I seem capable of making these days.

The only other thing I can think to say is that I'm going to be Co-Chair of my first committee and that I'm very much in a leadership role at my congregation despite my young age. And, thanks to twisted_twister I signed up for hoggywartyxmas and will be working to bring myself back into fandom. I hope I have it in me to post about something like that in the future.

Less than 10 minutes until it's time to head out and face the colleagues for a few hours, then the kidlings for a few more. At least I have Dungeons & Dragons tonight with my friends.

*Wipes face.*

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
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