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23 September 2013 @ 12:30 pm
Gods. It's hard to think about posting when it all seems quite dark and repetitive. "Friend's still dead; I'm still sad. Job's still hard; I still cry. Dog's still dead; Mum's still mad; I'm still pretty destroyed inside." My dog's death and the four-month anniversary of Tom's death were so close that I can tell already my brain has linked them up together.

'bout 10 minutes before I have to leave for work again. Another four days with 'my class' and another hectic Friday of science teaching and painting, even if by some bizarre and bitter hilarity this last Friday's work day was the best I've had yet.

Last night I dreamt of dog beds and work: endless dog beds everywhere, sometimes filled with dogs; terrible classroom meetings with my class, in my old playroom, and caught by a colleague closing an annoying child in a Lego box. My stupid brain. Woke up and started crying.

I know the old "when it rains it pours" and the superstition of things coming in threes.

I know my 'three' doesn't really count (my job is hard and sometimes horrible, but it is a job) but if you could lay off me for a while, Universe, I would really appreciate it. I could do with a little peace and serenity if you had some to spare. Please. This is about the closest I come to outright praying. I feel as though a feather could not only bowl me over, but pummel me with a single touch.

I want to curl up in bed for a week. I want to do it with the little furry personal heater I've had for more than half my life--but of course I can't; he's in my freezer. I want to not be making posts like this and yet they're the only posts I seem capable of making these days.

The only other thing I can think to say is that I'm going to be Co-Chair of my first committee and that I'm very much in a leadership role at my congregation despite my young age. And, thanks to twisted_twister I signed up for hoggywartyxmas and will be working to bring myself back into fandom. I hope I have it in me to post about something like that in the future.

Less than 10 minutes until it's time to head out and face the colleagues for a few hours, then the kidlings for a few more. At least I have Dungeons & Dragons tonight with my friends.

*Wipes face.*

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
lash_laruelash_larue on September 23rd, 2013 04:51 pm (UTC)
There are, of course, many platitudes for situation similar to this. I'll spare you.

Of course, I cannot know how you feel, but I know how I have felt in sort of similar circumstances, when you feel the bull's-eye on your back and wonder if fate has taken up an inimical residence in your knickers.

I have on occasion actually gone outside and flipped off the world at large. Didn't much help, but I like to think I made my point.

* hugs *
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Irma.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:03 am (UTC)
Thank you for sparing me. (:

when you feel the bull's-eye on your back and wonder if fate has taken up an inimical residence in your knickers.
Yes, I would say that about covers it. Especially since this morning I woke up to the dear red friend and thought, "Why yes, of course, this was exactly what I needed just this moment."

My peers and family have noticed that I cuss more these days. Part of that is working with children (I cuss more when part of the day I absolutely must watch my language) and part of it is just...all this.
CaroRulescarorules on September 23rd, 2013 05:14 pm (UTC)

Tough Monday...

I agree that when it rains, it pours, and it's hard to keep going. But you have to, it's a journey and eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance || Hand up.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:05 am (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Thank you. Tough Monday indeed, as seen from my last post! Of course I'll keep going--I saw well enough what happens when a person decides to not go on anymore.
CaroRulescarorules on September 25th, 2013 01:10 pm (UTC)
I hope you never take that road and if you even start to contemplate it, you will reach out for help.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Starry starry night.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 04:29 pm (UTC)
Absolutely. The one time it happened before I emailed a counsellor immediately.
CaroRulescarorules on September 25th, 2013 04:36 pm (UTC)
Thank God. I am proud of you!
shadowycat: Ocean Homeshadowycat on September 23rd, 2013 06:09 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, sweetie! Life is really piling on, isn't it? :( I know it sounds like a cliche, but it will get better. You need to give yourself a bit more time. Staying busy will help as will spending time with those who care about you! ~hugs~
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Snowing Hogwarts.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:06 am (UTC)
Life is certainly piling it on. I do still have faith that things will get better; I just know these things don't have time allocations. Haven't really got a choice in giving myself more time. (: Thank you for the advice--definitely doing my best to stay busy and spend time with loved ones. ♥
Maggiemagnetic_pole on September 23rd, 2013 06:59 pm (UTC)
*big hugs* M.
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Rachel Carson.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:07 am (UTC)
*Big hugs back.* Thank you.
minervas_eule: Botticelli Minervaminervas_eule on September 23rd, 2013 09:01 pm (UTC)
That your mum is mad at you I can't understand at all, that is an added grief which is quite unnecessary... :-(
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance || Night-time.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:09 am (UTC)
It is an added grief, really. I understand that I changed the plan when I wanted to go with cremation; they had planned for burial. I'm elongating the time before 'closure'. I took him away from the house. I hastened the time she had to spend with his body.

I know it's hard, all of it. I wish this weren't what I need--that we could all magically need the same things for our grief. But that isn't the case for me, unfortunately. =(
tt: Bitchtwisted_twister on September 23rd, 2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
I was your age when my father died in my arms suddenly and changed me from naive young adult to bitter and suspicious (of the world in large) grown-up. Became sick instantly (took me less than two hours to develop fever) and didn't leave bed for a week. After that most everything has different emotional levels, but I guess one has to have this initial shock transition into the unfair world of RL before we can see events with less devastation and much balanced perspective even when some bad or difficult things happen at the same time.

I hope you find peace in writing and in the fact we are all your friends and being together is what we do. I owe you my signup to hoggy just as much as you owe me yours.
Adding virtual hugs to the pile you already have.
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || HardbroomHubble || You.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:15 am (UTC)
I'm not sure I've ever quite managed to be naive--too many health things too young--but I can tell these recent hip griefs and death have been doing their part to change me and accelerate my growth to 'adulthood'. I hope I won't be bitter and suspicious; sceptical I can't quite deny.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to achieve the level of not meeting events with devastation, unfortunately. I mean, I can usually keep the balanced perspective (my mother used to call me a "cool cucumber" even during every medical failure I had) but when there is devastation to be felt, I still feel it. Normally I deal with it a bit better than this, but then there usually isn't quite so much of it at one time...

Thank you. I'm looking to find some peace in writing and friendship and being together as well; I'm sure I will. We're approaching my favourite season. I do hope to enjoy it and allow this winter to be a time of rest and renewal. *Virtual hugs back.* May it be the same for you. ♥
logospilgrim on September 24th, 2013 02:02 pm (UTC)
*wraps you in a very tender robed embrace* ♥
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Minerva || Time stood still.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:16 am (UTC)
Thank you. *Snuggles in.*
woldywoldy on September 25th, 2013 12:16 am (UTC)

Stick with it. I know the 'its darkest before the sun rises' is a cliche, but I've found it to be true that one's luck changes after the toughest spots.

And it's lovely to hear that you're doing hoggywarty!
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Hot chocolate.cranky__crocus on September 25th, 2013 02:17 am (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Sticking with it. I'm still hoping this is the toughest spot--and that there isn't more to come for a while. Can't control that, of course, so what will be will be.

Thank you! I hope I can do my best with Hoggywarty. It' will be nice to be part of the party, anyway; I love this fest.