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20 September 2013 @ 08:25 pm
I'm joining Lash in tears. My 14-year-old pug, Muggzzey, died today.

What's worse is that he was hit by a truck that was only being moved about 12 feet in the driveway; the driver was my uncle's best friend, who has not yet met me and was going to meet me this evening. I know he feels terrible ("This is how I'm going to meet your niece? Killing her dog?") and yet it could have been anyone. Mugz was the worst around cars.

There was a yelp but he did much of his dying in my father's arms and was mostly gone by the time they got to the vet, where she gave him the Last Shot. I was not there. Yes, it is going to be something I feel terrible about for the rest of my life. I spent my dog's last week and weekends looking after other people's dogs.

There is currently some difficulty--in conflicting feelings--because my family was all prepared to bury him (my brother dug a hole) and however ridiculous it may seem, I want to cremate him. He was my first pet, I had him more of my life than I didn't, and I want to be able to spread him all the places we loved together--plus some of the ones I never got to show him, like the park near my new house. I want to be the sort of crazy pet woman who has a necklace with a few of her first pet's remains. I don't care. My mother thinks I am dragging things out and I know I am making this more difficult on her.

But of course I'm mindful of the fact that my mother wants the closure of a fast burial. I do feel guilty, and I will no matter how this turns out, although I'm fairly confident they will follow my desires as he was my lifelong canine friend.

Everything just hurts. Understandably--and expectedly.

I'm about to go over there and say my last goodbyes to his fuzzy old-man pug body, the husk in which I loved him so very very much.

23 November 1999 - 20 September 2013.

The old boy snuggling up with my unicorn plushie, which I got at 13 for being too short to ride a rollercoaster my brother could ride at 11. Mugz never minded my height; it meant I found it easier to duck down and love him.

I love you, you crazy little huffle-puffer. I'm sorry I didn't get to cuddle up with you for one more night my baby boy.

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
Andrewquueer on September 21st, 2013 01:18 am (UTC)
I'm so, so sorry Kiwi
Kiwi Crocus: Dar Williams || Magic's in the Learning.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm sorry, too. Your comment means a lot to me--especially because you met the little rascal.
kellychamblisskellychambliss on September 21st, 2013 01:18 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Losing a beloved pet hurts like crazy. He was a lovely boy. I'm thinking of you.
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Lamps to light the way.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am as well. Yes, it's smarting like crazy; I spent every moment I had at my parents' place with him. Between my brother taking over my old room (with my permission) and Mugz' passing, it does very much feel like the universe is telling me I've got a new home now that isn't as tightly linked with my parents' old house, no matter how beloved it will remain in my heart. It's an oddly serene feeling. My home is absolutely where my heart is and my heart just got a little more mobile.

I can tell I was raised a Potterhead when one of my first thoughts upon learning of his passing was, "I just lost my Hedwig." The symbolism fits for me there as well.
redbeargrlredbeargrl on September 21st, 2013 01:25 am (UTC)
Holding you tightly and crying softly.
Kiwi Crocus: Ani D || Distance a silhouette like minecranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *Sniffles.* It means the world.
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Minerva || Time stood still.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:56 pm (UTC)
It is, and thank you; I'm sorry too. I also appreciate the virtual embrace and back-rubs, particularly because my grieving and my mother's have pushed us apart a bit for the moment.
shadowycat: Ocean Homeshadowycat on September 21st, 2013 01:44 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry! :(
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McPomf || Comfort.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am as well. Your comment helps. ♥
our little life is rounded with a sleepdefyingnormalcy on September 21st, 2013 01:47 am (UTC)
All the hugs, I am so, so Sorry for your loss. :( xo
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance Hardbroom.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *All the hugs back.* I know you've got your precious boy, too, so your comment means so much to me.
(no subject) - defyingnormalcy on September 21st, 2013 05:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - defyingnormalcy on September 21st, 2013 05:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
101mutts: water girl101mutts on September 21st, 2013 01:58 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry. Mugggzzy was a really sweet dog. I know how much you loved him and he loved you.
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance || Stubborn.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you; I'm sorry as well. He was an incredibly sweet dog. I'm glad that in his last week I kept telling him how much I appreciated him, even if it was half out of how much the dogs I was housesitting for were driving me crazy.

Nearly 15 years. That's a long time of loving someone--and of friendship--with no fights whatsoever. Ouch.
Maggiemagnetic_pole on September 21st, 2013 02:05 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm so, so sorry, K! M.
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance || Doing magic.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 04:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm sorry as well. Your comment means a lot to me. ♥
perverse_idyll: groping angelsperverse_idyll on September 21st, 2013 05:04 am (UTC)
Oh, Kiwi, that is hard and sad. I'm so sorry, my dear, so sorry. I remember losing a cat after 18 years who was with me from my early twenties until middle age. A part of my life went with her when she died, and I wanted to howl with grief. But please don't judge yourself for taking care of other creatures; it's just not possible to be in two places at once. And perhaps it's better that you weren't there. In my experience, the last parting can haunt the mind and overshadow happier memories, which are treasures you should be allowed to keep. Be kind to yourself, dear K. *hugs*
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Minerva || Time stood still.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:04 pm (UTC)
It is hard and sad. Thank you--I am sorry too.

A part of my life went with her when she died, and I wanted to howl with grief.
That is precisely how it feels, yes. One of my first thoughts was "I've lost my Hedwig now"--and it's true. Hedwig was Harry's childhood; Muggzzey was mine. I'm sure the howling with grief will come in these next few weeks.

I don't judge myself too harshly, or feel guilt on Mugz' behalf or anything; I needed the money. It's just frustrating to have spent the last week and a half of my own dog's life feeling a bit angry and resentful of dogs I had to watch (very hyperactive, and I was learning the ropes of my new hard job) while seeing minimal amounts of my own. It also meant I couldn't stay over at my parents' house and couldn't sleep with Muggzzey; the last dog I've slept with is Skittles, one of the dogs I house-sat for. That just feels very sad for me even if I can't actually judge myself for it: circumstances are what they are. These circumstances are just sad. Normally I'd have spent at least two of the nights over at my parents', sleeping with my old pug-man; as it stands it has to have been some time before the start of September that I last bunked over there and can't remember the last time I slept with Mugz curled up against my abdomen the way he did. It sucks.

It may be better that I wasn't there, although from what I've seen thus far in my life, I've always dealt with those situations much better than many would. It's the sort of thing I like to be around for as a part of my own closure. That's part of the reason I'm really not backing down on the cremation thing; it hurts my mother, but he was my dog, and she got to be there as he passed peacefully in my father's arms. I was a state away.

Thank you. I'm trying to be kind to myself.
minervas_euleminervas_eule on September 21st, 2013 06:18 am (UTC)
Oh Kiwi *hugs* - what a dreadful thing to happen! I will be thinking of you all day ♥

The picture is so adorable!
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Wheelchair paper.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:05 pm (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Thank you. Yes, dreadful indeed. Thank you for your thoughts.

He was quite the adorable one and so very patient with the ridiculous pictures I would take. (: I was torn between this one and the ones I took of him with a little clay rainbow cupcake on his head and neck.
therealsnape: Poppy/Minerva silhouettetherealsnape on September 21st, 2013 07:47 am (UTC)
My dear, how awful for you. He looks absolutely charming, and he was such a large part of your life. You're in my thoughts.
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Hot chocolate.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:08 pm (UTC)
Awful, yes. Thank you. He was an absolute charmer--and so patient with my stupid little pictures, hah. (Though in this one he was authentically asleep; for many others he just sat there with this, "Ah, yes, my crazy human is up to something" look and the occasional mischievous glance of "maybe if I put up with this I'll get a treat".)

He was a huge part of my life, so a huge part of me is hurting, but onward I strive. The rare instance Mugz got impatient was when he would head off somewhere without me and have to wait.
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Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Tree hug.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I am so very sorry myself. The tight squeeze and the thoughts absolutely help, especially with the knowledge that you've had pain of this sort before (solidarity can be so powerful). Thank you.
Seekcoldthermistor on September 21st, 2013 09:07 am (UTC)
I am so sorry, Kiwi :/ *hugs* Losing a companion you've had so much time with is never easy :/
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Willa || Willa G-P.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:10 pm (UTC)
I am sorry too. *Hugs back.* No, definitely not easy. Just about 15 years--that's longer than any friendship I've ever had, and we never once had a tiff or a break. Damn I'll miss him.
lash_larue: Bluetlash_larue on September 21st, 2013 10:27 am (UTC)
God, but that's awful. * hugs *

I am right there with you on the cremation. At some point we're going to get a memorial diamond made from ours. Do what your heart tells you is right, if right applies at all to this. It is, after all, your heart.

Love to you and your family,
Kiwi Crocus: Judi || Compact & portable giant.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:13 pm (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Awful indeed.

Thank you for your support on the cremation. I don't think I'll feel the need to do this with all future pets--and I know there will be many more animal companions in my life--but he was my Hedwig and we had nearly 15 years together. I want to keep this little part of him in my life. Definitely doing what my heart tells me is right.

The memorial diamond sounds like a brilliant idea.

Thank you. We all appreciate it.
(no subject) - lash_larue on September 22nd, 2013 01:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranky__crocus on September 23rd, 2013 04:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
þeof in þystro: Catastrophemothwing on September 21st, 2013 12:05 pm (UTC)

I am so very sorry. Losing family members is always hard, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

*big hugs if you wan them*
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Snowing Hogwarts.cranky__crocus on September 21st, 2013 05:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you; I am so very sorry too. The thoughts and prayers are so appreciated. ♥ *Absolutely takes the big hugs.*