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14 August 2013 @ 03:02 am
It is so bizarre to me that life can be so much the way one expects it to be, based on things one has observed and read, yet even with the mental preparation it is all there to be felt; and as or after it is felt one might be tempted to write about it but it is so easy to think there is no use to that because others who came before have observed and written it so much better. I know because I've already read it.

Young adulthood. Engagement announcements, ultrasounds, babies everywhere. Postgrad acceptance, graduation. Job hunt, endless cover letters, twiddling thumbs. First careers. Rat race. New cars; old cars that guzzle funds. New lovers--and the excitement of calling them 'lovers' in a new, fresh, out-of-college world. Moving, so much moving, so many boxes! 'Crashing' with parents that lasts longer than anyone wanted. Travel, some of which comes across as that 'last adventure before putting down real roots' sort. Renting and constant calls for repairs. House-hunting, house-buying, the headache of not having a landlord to call when all hell breaks loose. Marriage. In-laws.

I'm watching it all with a few congratulatory smiles, a bit of trepidation, a hefty dose of insecurity, and the fear that I myself have dammed and damned myself to stagnancy. I remind myself as frequently as I can that I am my own beaver--my own keystone--and that if there is a dam, I may remove it for a river when I choose; and if there is a dam, it does not necessarily mean that I am stagnant, with its negative connotations, but may be resting in a lake-state as I gather myself for the future. A lake is not the worst thing to be.

The river is a-flowin', flowin' and growin'.
The river is flowin' down to the sea.
Father, carry me, child I will always be.
Mother, carry me down to the sea.

I don't have anything important to say, I'm afraid. Things are happening. I hurt often but find reasons to smile and laugh, people to smile and laugh with, places where I am at peace for a time. It isn't quite so hard to be in my own company, although the fact that it still is to some degree breaks my heart a little; my ability to enjoy time in a solitary fashion was always one of the few things I consistently appreciated about myself.

My summers are often times of more exterior, active growth--personal growth through doing things, being active, going places. I think there is already a large part of me that is ready to turn inward to my more interior, introspective growth as I approach winter. I still feel very raw. I think the deciduous dormancy will do some good for my heart. Although the idea of Christmas Eve services, without my heartwood friend up by the pulpit with his violin...

Ah, yes. Still raw. Three months this weekend.

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
minervas_eule: kissing Ronminervas_eule on August 14th, 2013 08:20 am (UTC)
Well, I at least have not read it any better anywhere else than how you just put it!! Your second paragraph is an amazing bit of "boiling it down" to the essence....

It is still 4 months until Christmas - I hope something will happen to cover the pain up a little... and you will not be alone feeling that way, that should help :-(
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || Hot chocolate.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 02:45 am (UTC)
Thank you, my friend. (: It is so nice to know that even when I am hesitant to put up my thoughts and words for fear they are not good or useful enough, there are people like you out there to receive them so gracefully and with such wonderful compliments. ♥

I'm sure time will continue working to soothe my pain. It is another thing that seems strange to me, this knowledge that there is more time between me and Christmas than there is between me and Tom's death. That I have to get through this much time and then some to get there, and do all that itchy-painful healing as I go, yet still when I arrive that piece of my heart will be broken for his absence.

I've found that a strange thing, too. There's always talk about the grief cycle and getting to 'acceptance' as the fifth step. I know well enough from my experiences with my hip, though, that one can reach 'acceptance' and stay there for a while, then be brought right back to the prior stages--the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression--before finding the acceptance again. So while I can hope that these next few months will continue healing me, I can also see--by knowing myself--that I will feel all undone come Christmas. That's alright. All part of the process, it seems.
Venturous1: field witch by Mermaidenventurous1 on August 14th, 2013 03:57 pm (UTC)
I hear you, feeling the draw of winter's quiet. It's the time of year.

the season is turning. a friend calls Late Summer a separate season, and I concur. All is full and ripe... and waiting.

I was trying to explain this time of poignant, sweet/sad fullness to a friend, thinking of John Barleycorn Must Die.
Its an ancient thing, riding the cycle around again, grief for sweet spring, gratitude for the fullness, fear for the harsh winter to come., hope for renewal.
Love the river chant; one of my favorites, for surrendering to the Flow.
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Rolanda || Watchful eye.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 02:50 am (UTC)
I can completely see Late Summer being its own season; it certainly feels that way. I think, if it were categorised as its own season, it would be one of my favourites. (When it's lumped in with regular summer I could never say so; summer is often too hot and sunny for me, winter child that I am.)

That is a wonderful cover. Thank you for sharing it!

Ah, yes, the cycle of the year; that's what really draws me to the earth-based spiritualities over any other (including the more mind-based ones, although I incorporate those into my personal garden as well).

The river chant is one of my favourites as well. I used to know a number of verses but can't seem to remember them now, which saddens me. We used to sing them in chapel circle-up at liberal hippie camp, before the silent hand-in-hand walk to chapel.
CaroRulescarorules on August 14th, 2013 05:18 pm (UTC)
Sometimes it's challenging to see so much changer and evolution happening around us. It makes us feel self-conscious that we are stagnant, but I think deep down, there is no such thing. We change too, at a different pace and often don't realize it.
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Rachel and Dorothy.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 02:54 am (UTC)
It's not as though I feel itchy for those sudden changes. I have moved out of my parents' house, I live in a beautiful place with beautiful people, I work in ways that align with my heart and values (even if at the moment it is voluntary), I am growing inside even if my outside situation does not appear to change.

I have noticed, unfortunately, that some of these people taking such large steps--more obvious, outward change--have not taken the time to change and grow inside first. I suppose for some people the change in situation is what stimulates the growth, but for many it seems, one must grow into the situations. Or so it seems from those who have not taken the time for it and then found themselves unprepared, unsettled, and unhappy.

It is not that I think I am doing it wrong, really. I'm just not free from awareness of others' expectations, of taking them and using them on myself for a moment, of coming to the conclusion that I do not fit and then having to grapple back my awareness that of course I don't because I didn't want to and that was my choice. Hence I have to keep pulling myself into those moments of more conscious awareness.
CaroRulescarorules on August 15th, 2013 01:43 pm (UTC)
Your point is very valid. Some people do jump the gun for big changes while they haven't grown enough for them.. For some it will work though cuz some people sometimes need a little push to grow while other like you can do it without the big show of it.

I think you are doing it right for you. You are very mature and know what's good for you. It doesn't mean your way would work for everybody though, but what is important is that this way makes you happy.

Sometimes it does seem like ignorance is bliss though isn't it?!
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance || Reading.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 04:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, no, I certainly don't think my way would work for everyone! Ahaha. A good number of people would go mad. :B Communal living with 9 other young adults, even before the 8 cats and rabbit and ferret? No, 'nuclear' living (reference to 'nuclear families') is so common because a number of people feel more comfortable in basic families with their own space. I get that. I'm just not one of them! :B

Sometimes it does seem like ignorance is bliss though isn't it?!
*Grins.* It seldom has been for me, but for a number of my friends it absolutely has been!
CaroRulescarorules on August 15th, 2013 04:19 pm (UTC)
I don't think I could successfully live alone and be happy, but who knows.. Although living with so many ppl would drive me insane! :P

Sometimes I just think that being ignorant makes it easier to be "happy", but still I don't wanna trade places with someone ignorant... just saying!
Kiwi Crocus: Alex || Laughing.cranky__crocus on August 16th, 2013 04:06 am (UTC)
Ahahaha thankfully 'nuclear' living is not living alone, but living in a basic family unit--so you and your girl. (:

Living with this many people occasionally drives me batty, but let's be honest: I'm that already. :B And the other times it's a great, supportive family and community to have.
Maggiemagnetic_pole on August 14th, 2013 05:26 pm (UTC)
I remind myself as frequently as I can that I am my own beaver--my own keystone--and that if there is a dam, I may remove it for a river when I choose; and if there is a dam, it does not necessarily mean that I am stagnant, with its negative connotations, but may be resting in a lake-state as I gather myself for the future. A lake is not the worst thing to be.

Lovely. Insightful and something I think I needed to hear today. Thank you, for this and for the post in general. M.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Paper stars jar.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 02:57 am (UTC)
I'm honoured to know the words worked for you as well. ♥ Thank you for your kind words; they certainly are a reminder to not let my insecurities guide my posting schedule quite so much (though I still fear I am more eloquent and coherent in life-summaries than daily life descriptions).
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: TWW || Constance Hardbroom.cranky__crocus on August 15th, 2013 02:59 am (UTC)
Thank you. Your kind words mean the world to me. ♥
101mutts101mutts on August 25th, 2013 09:57 pm (UTC)
I'm with minervas_eule, very elegant summation of young adulthood and very clever damning metaphor. I'm hoping your job turns out (I'm guessing from the other post you got it but you didn't say directly) better than you expected.

This post makes me think of the Fred Small song, "Everything's Possible" with the lines about everyone growing at their own pace and time.

Kiwi Crocus: Fantasy || Unicorn hug.cranky__crocus on August 28th, 2013 02:52 am (UTC)
Thank you. (:

D'awwwr that song made me cry. Thank you for sharing it!