Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

Sometimes it gets to be 5am and I don't want it to be and it doesn't feel like a choice to be awake.

My mother always asks me why I stay up at night, why I don't go to sleep, why I choose to do this.

I guess sometimes I do. Most of the time, though, 11pm turns to 2am the way that 11am turns to 2pm for other people; and 2am turns to 5am the way 2pm turns to 5pm. I don't mark it, I don't watch it, I don't choose to be awake; I just am. It just feels normal--natural.

I wish it didn't a bit, though. Sometimes I love my nocturnal spirit--more when I've made it onto the schedule of falling asleep sometime before 2am most nights--and other times I wish I could just naturally be another way.

I remember the first time I stayed up until 2am, when I was 13. I didn't mean to. It was a thrilling, magical time; I wrote a poem. I remember when at 14 it became 4am, equally unintentional, and it was a beautiful, peaceful time just for me. The world became my mind, instead of the usual situation of existing in my mind within the world.

It's 5.30 in the morning. I don't mean to be up, I just am, because the hours slipped from 11pm to now during a time that feels natural for me to be awake. Best I head off to sleep, though, given most of the world exists at night.

Ah, don't mind me. Did you know kiwi birds are mostly nocturnal? One of the reasons I like them so much. Margays, too. Nocturnal creatures are neat. But you know, all they have to do is run for their lives and make sure to find enough food, water, and shelter to survive (and find fellow endangered specimen to boink to pass along their genetics); I have to find and then consistently wake up for an artificial environment in which to do repetitive work to get little white-and-blue(-or-grey) slips that represent little green paper so I can give that paper to people and afford the resources I need to live. Clearly I've got the bigger set of issues here (hah!). Makes me want to take up gardening or something.

Good night.

[Crossposted from dreamwidth.]
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