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20 July 2012 @ 12:58 am
 
So...do you lot get those days during which you feel sick to your stomach and think jumbled-up icky things like, "I suck at everything and I have no skills and no one should listen to me because I have nothing of value to say but don't seem to shut up and no wonder I don't have confidence in myself since I can't do anything right or well and why do these silly people have faith in me because I am clearly just going to disappoint them and how did I even fool them into thinking I was capable or competent and ugh the world is clearly meant for people who are better at this living thing than I am since I fail" or, you know, something similar?

If you do, what do you do when one has grabbed at you and won't let go? I've noticed a significant lack of adults hiding under blankets/tables crying and hugging themselves/their stuffed toys, so presumably you all find something more grown-up to do than yield to those urges (or don't get them, which would be completely foreign to me). Am I less of an adult if I yield a bit, make myself a little temporary fort, and cry with my teddy bear for a while? (I do consider myself less of an adult for forgetting my teddy bear hundreds of miles away for a long-ish vacation.)

I am having one of those days and have the feeling, with the end of this vacation coming, that I am entering into one of those weeks or times or whatever other time-slot-here.

It's funny because the biggest symptoms came on when a trusted real-adult sent me a message telling me she had been urged to get me to apply for this Unitarian Universalist (my religion) job at a congregation, and was there anything she could do to convince me to do so? I researched the job description--which I actually know well, and just needed confirmed in my head--and just melted down into a puddle of failtastic goo.

(And, for the record, the job is something I can't do--or won't do, more specifically, since it would mean giving up my home congregation and the youth I've bonded with to commute and work for this other congregation further away. In this time in which everything is changing and I'm frightened shiteless, I really need my home community around me. I will also have no car of my own for the commute. The "won't" and "it's not possible" feelings are currently saving me from facing the full brunt of the "I swear I can't" and "why did people think it was a good idea to let me loose in society?" feelings.)

I have a to-do list. It's not super helpful if even after I knock something off the list, I'm freaking out that it's not up to scratch and I've failed everything and everyone and myself--even for fun things like fandom.

Ugh I hate failtastic days. This is basically the same as my Facebook post, but in Livejournal speak--which is to say, less "ahhahhah I'm sneaking real life concerns into this humorous post, look how funny and well-adjusted I actually am!" Because, uhm, I'm not?

I also promised myself that I'd stop posting these in-the-moment-I-have-these-feels entries unless they were short ("I am having a brainfail day of epic proportions, can someone feed my ego-lion?") or funny ("Is building a fort an adequate response to life, y/y?") but I have not succeeded. So hello, Livejournal, these are my feels that I am sharing with you (and tumblr talk, apparently: having "all the feels" means having "all the feelings" and it devolved from there).

Blerg.
 
 
 
redbeargrlredbeargrl on July 20th, 2012 05:17 am (UTC)
I go through your first paragraph at least one a day, and, the last time I looked, I am an adult..at least by years lived.
I haven't built a fort in a long time, but I have about seventy five teddy bears, all of which have been cried upon at least once.
I can't help but believe that if more adults built forts, or cried with a beloved teddy bear or something akin, the world might be a better place.

Edited at 2012-07-20 05:18 am (UTC)
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Broomsweep.cranky__crocus on July 20th, 2012 05:49 am (UTC)
I think I go through my first paragraph at least once a day, too, but usually it doesn't average out to take up too-too much brainspace in a regular day. I know it's bad when that changes, and when my stomach sticks in a state of unrest, and I feel on the verge of tears at any given moment.

That puts me at ease. I have two teddies, a unicorn (which I got for free from being too short to ride a roller-coaster at 13), a little kiwi-bird, a bull-dog, a Men In Black pug-in-a-suit, and a little plushie representation of the virus 'mono'. I've cried on some more than others--my rainbow bear, for instance, was around as I was writing my dissertation and studying for exams; I practically had to put her on the line to dry.

I can't help but believe that if more adults built forts, or cried with a beloved teddy bear or something akin, the world might be a better place.
I hope so. Maybe I'll just consider this 'doing my part'.

I've really forced myself to do some productive things now, so I'm feeling a bit better.
A completely happy writer: Dirty Roselar_laughs on July 20th, 2012 05:41 am (UTC)
I do a lot of deep breathing. I hug my dog. I yell. I have discussions with myself in the car or bathroom. I find a new location in the hopes that the nervous breakdown will stay in the original location.

I remind myself how cool I am. I find a friend who will remind me how cool I am. I spend time with people who think I'm cool. I do something nice for someone.

I read. I write. I do something mind-numbingly dull but that takes a lot of brain function. I re-categorize my book case. I pick up a craft and try to make something pretty. I turn off the computer.

Happens all the times. Being a grown up definitely doesn't mean that I have it together. It just means that my hormones allow me to work through it a bit better than they did when I was a teenager.

*hugs*
Kiwi Crocus: Readwrite || Reading face.cranky__crocus on July 20th, 2012 05:52 am (UTC)
Those all sound perfect and many sound wonderful. (I tried to do the 'new location' a short while back and realised I'm essentially stuck here in this little section of the house, which makes me sad since ideally I'd like to be walking up and down the street right up from the beach).

I have difficulty reminding myself how cool I am. My friends definitely do it for me, but I'm away from most of them at the moment and I don't tend to be good at this 'reach out' thing; my nature has me doing the opposite.

I should start up a new original novel, so I have a constant 'original' piece to be working on. I find fanfic (at least in my main, most active fandom) to be more nerve-wrecking, possibly because I never have any intention of sharing my original work, whereas my fanfic tends to be written with putting it up in mind.

It just means that my hormones allow me to work through it a bit better than they did when I was a teenager.
I like that a lot.

Thank you for the comment! *Hugs back.* I'm sorry I've been such a shoddy LJ friend in not commenting on entries. =(
A completely happy writer: hot drinklar_laughs on July 20th, 2012 06:20 am (UTC)
No worries!

Reach out where and when you can. Sometimes you have to be the person who tells you how cool you are. Since you can't lie to yourself, you'll know you're always telling the truth.

And always have a project that's just for you. It helps to not have everything be out in the open for everyone to see (says the person who always has the need to have everything out where everyone can see).

I think walking by the beach would make just about anything good!
Kiwi Crocus: Lips || Purple.cranky__crocus on July 20th, 2012 06:25 am (UTC)
Unfortunately I am incredibly capable of lying to myself--since I can't be both cool and "zomg the worst person ever with no skills or reasons for people to like me and a complete failure at life" at the same time, I must be lying when I convince myself of one of them. And, since I'm having a sane moment again (thankfully!), I know the lie to be the latter half. But I am equally capable of lying to myself as I tell myself how uncool and unskilled and terrible and horrible and failtastic I am.

Hahaha. I definitely have plenty of stuff that's not out in the open, even fandom stuff--but I imagine that if people knew what stuff was not hitting the light of the Internet, there'd be requests for it!

Yeah, walking by the beach definitely helps...I don't think there will be anyone staying over in the living room tomorrow night so I'll be able to sneak out the way I normally do and walk for a few hours down the street of timeshare/vacation-rent houses. (I don't actually WALK for hours; much of it is sitting and thinking and talking to myself or Rachel Carson.)
A completely happy writer: Eva Green smilelar_laughs on July 20th, 2012 06:40 am (UTC)
Part of being a grown up is listening more to the voice that tells you everything will work out and less to the voice that leers and throws out hurtful barbs. I think it comes from experience because you start to rack up more times when it DOES work out so you have confidence in the voice.

I'm getting pretty good and noticing the signs and getting myself out of the destructive spiral. That's important, too. Don't let yourself get that far down. Like anything in life, it just takes time and effort.

And it doesn't hurt to know that there are others out there that are having the same struggles. No man is an island.
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Luna || Just as sane as I am.cranky__crocus on July 30th, 2012 09:22 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha I hope. Although at this point, if things were based on racking up more times things do work and with confidence stemming from that, one would think I would be confident. Sometimes I even am, but mostly in the face of people telling me I'm not capable. (If I tell myself I'm not capable in anything, suddenly it's true; so help anyone else who decides I'm not capable. That dynamic amuses me.)

I do wonder what parts of it are depression, though; I know that I am susceptible to that. And much of depression isn't being sad or noticing destructive spirals and being able to pull out, but trying to find ways to not fall quite as far into them, or to do it with the knowledge that there is getting out again.
A completely happy writer: Danbo - bundled uplar_laughs on July 20th, 2012 06:42 am (UTC)
I talk to Cyril Ann, one of my original protags. She's quite the voice of reason. It's nice to know that I have that somewhere in my own head.

Does Rachel Carson give you good advice?
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Rachel Carson.cranky__crocus on July 30th, 2012 09:23 pm (UTC)
*Grins.* Rachel doesn't really give advice; I don't ask for it. Much of my speaking with her is just my unloading of mind, and exploration of my own thoughts/hopes/desires. I don't think I'd want her advice, particularly! (Conversation, maybe--but then I'd start doubting my sanity or have to come to terms with suddenly believing in ghosts. :B)
Nickiperoxidepirate on July 20th, 2012 05:55 am (UTC)
"I've noticed a significant lack of adults hiding under blankets/tables crying and hugging themselves/their stuffed toys, so presumably you all find something more grown-up to do than yield to those urges..."

AHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAA

*ahem*

I cry under blankets and hug my dog until she doesn't want to be around me. I cry in my living room and throw things. I cry in the bathroom at work and then I cry more because I'm so embarrassed to go back with my eyes all red. But then, this may be part of me not feeling like an actual adult (and not in a fun, "Never grow up," kind of way, just in a weird/damaged/"I suck at life" kind of way). Sigh.

So... no help, but if you want solidarity, I'm your gal.

However. I have it on good authority that we're both awesome.

*hugs tight*
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Sibyl || Hug everyone else.cranky__crocus on July 20th, 2012 06:00 am (UTC)
Yeah, no, I have definitely cried under blankets and tables while hugging myself or a stuffed to or a dog (my pug is very patient with such things and frequently uses the opportunity to sleep or lick away the salt). Does the quick cold-water-rinse trick not work for you? It works wonders for me, and then I wipe my face off with a towel/paper-towel and if someone asks I say I "just needed a quick wash because I felt greasy as hell". And it's true: I've washed my face. (Shhh my wounded Slytherin side is showing.)

weird/damaged/"I suck at life" kind of way
Oh man I feel you.

However. I have it on good authority that we're both awesome.
I would like to meet this authority which is so firm in the belief that we're both awesome. I'm betting it's Kit or Elscy. And Kit will nap-tap me on the head with a cane if I don't listen there, so I have to step with great care...

Yes. We are awesome. I will write that 100 times on the chalkboard in my head. *Hugs back.*
minervas_eule: Botticelli Minervaminervas_eule on July 20th, 2012 06:45 am (UTC)
*hugs* I get it usually while alone in the room and doing things like cleaning or peeling potatoes or alike - then I can just cry without getting bothered... I have to divert myself by getting out, into the garden or biking into town - I will get distracted enough then.
If it doesn't work there are flisties I can email :-)
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Minerva || Time stood still.cranky__crocus on August 1st, 2012 01:04 am (UTC)
I tend to get it when I'm alone and doing nothing--if I go make myself do something, like clean or whatever else, I tend to distract myself from it; but there is no harder time for me to get myself to go and do something. Though I have recently started going outside to walk around. I intend to fix up my bike (the tires need work) when I can.

Good point, on the flisties. Although I'm not very good at getting myself to reach out! I feel like too much of a burden--although I never mind when people reach out to me, so I'm not sure why. I suppose my role in life through the last few years has so often been that of 'the rock'--there for everyone, very solid, unshakeable when it counts--that I feel I would rock the boat if I reached out in return. Even if it isn't true.

That and I tend to do most of my processing by myself, however healthy; it's the introvert in me.
lash_laruelash_larue on July 20th, 2012 12:46 pm (UTC)
I kind of live there, frankly, but I can't recommend my solution (eat), it doesn't help.

I'm pretty sure I've shared my favorite Feynman quote before, the one about not being obligated to live up to other people's expectations of you or to do the things they think you "would be just perfect for". They are just mistaken, it's nothing to do with you.

It is perfectly fine to simply not want a particular job, no matter how much someone thinks it would be right for you.

I don't cry about it much anymore, I'm used to sucking, but I think not leaving the house for a couple days at the time and holing up with a bunch of cats and our non-ambulatory kids qualifies as building a fort.

Other people always seem to know what one should be doing.

Scroom, sez I. I hope this funk passes quickly for you, * hugs *.
L
Kiwi Crocus: TB || Tara vampire.cranky__crocus on August 1st, 2012 01:16 am (UTC)
I've used the eating solution all too recently (I had some leftover Nutella and a spoon...) and it certainly didn't help. Although it tasted good. My body image will pay for it later.

No, I shouldn't be or feel obligated to live up to other's expectations of me or to do the things they think I would be perfect for...but on the other hand, for the most part they are people I love and respect, and so there is also a part of me that would like to heed their council. I'm sure there must be a balance I can strike; I just haven't found it yet, and so I have guilt. (But I think my native state is guilt of some kind, honestly.)

I'm sure I will want such a job for it in the future. I am just not prepared for it at this point in my life, and wouldn't want to go into it without having more experience. I wish apprenticeships were more popular, hah.

That does sound as if it qualifies as building a fort. I think I've been doing that in my life for a bit; I've needed it.

I hope the funk passes too. (: It comes at goes, at the moment. It came back yesterday after a break; I'm glad of the break, though. Hopefully I can ditch this bout for a while too.
Gloryforestofglory on July 20th, 2012 02:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Tree hug.cranky__crocus on August 1st, 2012 01:16 am (UTC)
*Hugs back.* Thank you.
CaroRulescarorules on July 20th, 2012 04:53 pm (UTC)
We all days like that, no matter how old we are.

Gotta take it one step at the time and consider your options carefully.

As for the job thing, because something is offered to you, doesn't mean you have to take it, you can be picky for now and wait for the perfect opportunity.
CINEASTE--. A film or movie enthusiast.: Y's Icon #1cinematixyz on July 20th, 2012 06:02 pm (UTC)
I will say this one time, and one time only:

It is okay to curl up in a ball, or under a table, under a blanket, to hug a pillow, a stuffed animal, a dog, a cat, to hug yourself, to spend the day in the fetal position, crying until your eyes hurt and then having another cry after. If anyone tells you it's not okay, or that you're less of an adult for doing it, you can tell them to say that to me and I'll set them straight. Or kick them square in the junk. Whichever. All depends on how the mood strikes me.

When you have one of those days, build your fort. Build a little 'cry nest'. Build the place that you feel safe from the world. Do what you feel is right to be okay in your own skin. Everyone else can piss off.

-Y
Kiwi Crocus: Hair || Hair on a horse.cranky__crocus on August 1st, 2012 01:19 am (UTC)
Thank you for this. ♥