The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words.

[Some of them amused me, so I'm posting them in case some of them amuse you, too.]

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men


In other news, my mother and grandmother showed me pictures of said grandmother and my grandfather (they're divorced). My grandparents were mighty good-lookin' folk! My grandmother was way hotter than I am at the same age, which I think is pretty cool.

(There were two pictures of her on a beach in a bathing suit. While I don't attempt to compete with such things, I'm really quite fond of my face and hair; I think I get enough points there to make up for not posing in suits on beaches. I'm more into people taking pictures of me when I'm in the water, being goofy. And pretending to be a mermaid.)