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01 March 2012 @ 11:49 pm
Four Joys and a Concern:

Joy One: In the car I was thinking, "If I lost contact with Ms. Watson, that would be like Hermione losing contact with Minerva, or Neville with Pomona..." and so I am very glad that that is not the case.

Joy Two: I keep remembering Ms. Watson singing Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" (for which she had to learn a song adaptation in school) to me in the staff room, as I was having her sign my Dirr book. (That was what we all called The Bible in her Plant Identification sections and classes.) It didn't feel much like the poem then, during my high school graduation, since I knew what was immediately down both paths (English or American college) and had already made my choice; now, with little knowledge of what lies down any path, I feel I'm closer to that point. Somewhat of a sorrow, but in my moment of realisation, also a joy.

Joy Three: I remember that I didn't go pick up a copy of Sandry's Book because I already have an extra copy, from when I went to order Sandry's Circle Open book but must have ordered the wrong one. So I shall have to tell her that I have a belated birthday gift for her--perhaps I'll white lie that I left in too much of a hurry to grab it (for I left in too much of a hurry to grab my own book, and had I arrived before school ended as I had planned, I would have had nothing to read).

Joy Four: When I was driving back from the school, it started snowing. After that I got a few hours of watching the snow fall in our yard and in the beautiful New England forest around us. It snowed on leap day, too, which felt something like a late birthday gift from nature. I do love snow!

The Concern: My grandfather is in the hospital. Freak accident. He was playing golf with his buddy Charlie, and Charlie managed to hit him in the side of the head with a golf ball--right by the ear. They took him in and there doesn't seem to be any bleeding near the site of the contact, but a CT scan revealed something at the base of his brain...so they're keeping him to watch out for that. We're hoping everything will be okay. I can't imagine how his good buddy Charlie feels about this. =( Poor guys, both of them--and poor Memere for having all this worry! Apparently an inch more toward his temple would have killed him right on the golf course. He's doing alright, though, and hopefully what they saw on the CT scan won't be anything frightening. Freaked me out to hear about it, but we're really hoping he's out of the dog-house now.

Random Something I Just Remembered: Mr. Crowley said he liked my lip piercing (or, actually said, "I like your..." and gestured at my lip). I laughed and said, "Oh, yes, my one act of rebellion." He replied, "Oh, I don't know about that..." and I suddenly remembered making up green and black valentines with sarcastic Valentine's poetry for students and teachers alike (Mr. Crowley had loved his). I agreed. He asked me if it hurt and I answered, "No. But then, I've had a hip replacement, haven't I?"

This post has been open for hours now. I've been up to a lot of nothing, but enjoyed my evening thoroughly.

I think tomorrow I'm going to start consciously working on not being so sensitive, especially since that tends to incorporate the self-esteem thing that I'm also trying to work on. I may even start up with positive affirmations of myself. Historically they have made me roll my eyes--even when they were suggested as something to do before hip replacement--but I've heard they help, and I really have had enough of this. Even just saying "I matter" in the last post was huge for me, and it felt good. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "My face looks pretty today," but I never say it, and never as an "I" statement; I think starting things like that will help. "I look pretty today." Re-reading a section of story and saying, "I really like the way I wrote that section; I like the way I wrote those character voices."

Just, letting those rare moments of self-love become louder, in that I actually speak them--if only because it takes longer to think and then speak them, and that's another few seconds without bad thoughts. (Well, except the immediate "no I'm not" comment, but those are automatic kick-back reflexes and I can usually roll my eyes at them. I'm a very practised eye-roller.) Affirming myself loud enough to hear.

Plus the regular 'work to not take things personally', 'think through the reasons behind the emotions and see if it's just leftover from the past', and 'have some other pleasant thought to immediately jump into instead'. Perhaps I'll make a list. Or a flow chart. But I want to start working on this more seriously, because I can't really jump out of my mind--no matter how much I want to sometimes.
minervas_eule: Maggie and Judiminervas_eule on March 2nd, 2012 06:56 am (UTC)
*Go, Kiwi, go!* your plan sounds just right... (I should join you in the "I do matter (to her)" self-affirmation)

What a scare about your grandfather - golf-balls are really something when hit with force (as are the clubs....). I hope he is alright!
Kiwi Crocus: Seasonal || To the turquoise point.cranky__crocus on March 4th, 2012 04:23 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Although take care in doing self-affirmations for others - the point is to affirm yourself to the point that it doesn't matter so much if others are always affirming as well. I'll put this in "I" statements since that's how I'm most comfortable: for instance, if I were working on self-affirmation and it was going well, it wouldn't bother me as much if I sent a long email off to Jenne and she sent me a short message that she was busy or I got no response at all until I questioned her. In a way it allows me the confidence to know that I matter to her anyway, even though she may not show it the way I do, because in essence I matter to myself. Self-affirmation to be less sensitive to how others treat me on a day-to-day basis, especially those closest to my heart who can cause me pain even when they completely don't mean to, and it's just me being sensitive!

Yes, the golf-ball was an incredible scare. He still hasn't gained his sense of humour back, which is shocking. Usually he's cracking jokes immediately. Even now he's still not joking that "Charlie tried to take him out", or anything, which he would normally; he's really feeling the brush against mortality. (I don't blame him!) He seems to be doing fine now and is back at home--a bit of pressure, but the meds are working on it, and his ear should be back to normal soon enough.
zee: cuddles *-*zofbadfaith on March 2nd, 2012 11:20 am (UTC)
As a character in a movie I watched a couple weeks ago would say, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." (and the movie is The Help, in case you're wondering; very beautiful, very touching movie).

I'm very happy that you get to keep contact with Ms. Watson :) (and I heartily agreed to the Hermione-Minerva, Neville-Pomona thing). I've lost contact with many people from my school years, teachers included, but, luckily, my sister goes to the same school I went, so I can always try and pay a visit.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather; I had a hard time with mine, so I know how something like that can be. It's always worrisome, but I'm sure whatever it is they found won't be anything that can't be fixed.

It's funny, for me, how we don't even talk that much, but sometimes I come and read your posts and you write exactly what I had been thinking the day before or on the same day. It's even funnier because, for me, it makes us alike in different ways and it makes me not feel alone. If you ever get around to making a list or a flow chart, would you mind sending me? I should try to build the courage and do one myself, but I'm not sure I'm quite there yet.

Kiwi Crocus: Fantasy || Blue faerie.cranky__crocus on March 4th, 2012 04:33 am (UTC)
I haven't got around to watching The Help yet, but I'll admit I'm tempted.

I think the problem with me and my high school, is that after I left (starting the year after), there has been a huge retirement frenzy - including people like Ms. Watson, who up and leave in the middle of the year to get away. The year after I left there was an administration change; things haven't been the same since. I'm hoping they'll settle with this new principal, who taught at the Aggie a long while before becoming principal; she was one of the well-loved older teachers while I was there.

A great many of my favourite teachers have already retired. I think I have something like three teachers left there that I really feel bonded with - only one because he was a great teacher (the other two are wonderful people; one of them really can't teach). So while I'm welcome to go back and join any time (alumni of my high school always are), I can't go visit teachers that aren't there any more! Which means that if I want to keep in touch with them, I have to make sure I manage it before they're off off and away. :B

My grandfather is doing alright now, medically speaking. Bit of pressure in his head but the medication is helping and his ear will return to normal. His sense of humour hasn't quite healed, yet; we'll know he's well and truly alright when he's cracking jokes about his friends trying to take him out.

It's funny, for me, how we don't even talk that much, but sometimes I come and read your posts and you write exactly what I had been thinking the day before or on the same day.
I've had that feeling with your posts a number of times! I appreciate the feeling immensely; it makes me feel less alone as well. If I get around to making the list, I will absolutely send it to you. (: As silly as it is, the first thing I did was google "how to be less sensitive", and a few of the tips seem to be good. I also need to look up the book "The Four Agreements", I think, because once upon a time that helped.

I think for me the courage is less in the list-making and more in the firm resolution to actually follow through with the things on the list in my daily life.
Venturous1: garden witchventurous1 on March 2nd, 2012 09:15 pm (UTC)
yay, you, for getting conscious enough to do this work. Rewriting our code is a bitch, but it's possible.

One turning point for me was when I accepted my artwork as 'mediocre.' The scathing critic who always shredded me had not much to say after that! And now I get much more art happening with the critic off my back.

The latest lesson I've gleaned from my housemate situation is to keep the 'reacting' down to near-zero. Once it gets started, it's harder to manage. I stay focused on what's important and healthful to me.
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Delicate crocus.cranky__crocus on March 4th, 2012 04:39 am (UTC)
Thank you! Rewriting our code is a bitch, but it's possible. That made me smile, and it's true, and it helped.

I've been thinking about your 'mediocre' point since you posted it. I think I'm going to go with it. I'm a jack of all trades a bit - in that I do many things, but master none - and think that will help. If I stop holding back and agonising over trying to make things as close to perfect as I can, out of fear that I'm not good enough and have to strive harder... But instead of making it about 'not being good enough', it'll be more of an 'eh - I'm mediocre, and that's fine: pressure off!'

Mediocre artist, mediocre song-writer/ukulele-player/singer, mediocre writer - and it's all fine! 'cause it's better to be producing something that's real than agonising over something that never reaches fruition or existence.

Today I had this clear "I'm reacting right now" thought and got myself up and away from what I was doing. In the end I DID have to give myself the minute to cry and be frightened, but it was because I knew I needed to acknowledge those emotions and let them out; I did it in a more structured way ("I will go downstairs, greet the snow, cry until the thoughts finish, and stop before the thought-cycle restarts and goes spiralling"). It then didn't last the whole day or put me in a huge funk - so yay! I think that's progress!

(And this wasn't even 'my feelings are hurt by something little someone said that caused completely unintentional pain'; it was 'my student loan repayments start this month and the number I owe is in read and I don't have a job and fook fook fook I need to defer or change to income-based but it's all in lawyer-talk on the website'. Which is something I've never faced before...)

Sorry to blab your eyes out! Fast fingers mean I don't always know how much I've typed until I see the scroll bar shrink... *Sheepish look.*
phyrablazephyrablaze on March 5th, 2012 08:08 am (UTC)
I think everyone should have more self-love affirming moments like this. Well, most people anyway!

Your grandfather is in my thoughts. Keep us updated!
Kiwi Crocus: Kiwi || Muusack.cranky__crocus on March 5th, 2012 06:01 pm (UTC)
Still working on the self-affirmation thing...but I managed to not have a complete and utter freakout during a moment I otherwise would have, so I think I'm doing better with the not-so-sensitive-about-life thing! At least in the moments that I get it together. :B

My grandfather is doing much better. He's back home and on medication to get the pressure in his head down; his ear should return to normal soon (it saved his life). Hopefully he'll get his sense of humour back soon, too, so we'll know he's well and truly fine again. ♥