Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

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I feel I am always trying to catch up with my life, and yet I also don’t feel I do very much; I’m not sure how those two can connect in my head.

Anyway. I know I posted before the new year that I was not doing well and hadn’t been for a while. It never went truly away, but it lessened some, because during the first day of the new year I thought of a new idea: substitute teaching. Because I am me and can’t be anyone else, I spent much of that first day researching: looking up tips, techniques, the process of application, what a substitute should be prepared to have (survival kit) and do (teach-babysit-clean-notetake). I had a feeling that my old high school would work differently than the regular school districts, so I made up the decision to go there in person and speak with someone. I did that; I ended up going home with an application. It took me a while and you all heard about it.

By the end I was pleased with my application/resume/cover letter; my parents had both read through them, too. Recently I got a snail-mail letter back that the sub list was full for the high school (which is indeed its own school district, being a county school). I don’t know if that’s the plain-out truth or an excuse, but that itself didn’t bother me. I was slightly peeved that it was sent in letter form when my cover letter mentioned phone and email (though I realise that letters are often considered better than email for formal things), and that the paper used seemed to have lots of print marks down by the principal’s signature—it looked unprofessional and I felt under-valued. Even though it’s just paper, and morally speaking, I’m all for the whole Saving Trees deal.

But really, it wasn’t the ‘rejection’ from my old high school that sent me spiralling—I still don’t feel much of a sting there—but that it was the closest thing to a plan I had managed lately, and it was gone. (I could apply for subbing with the school district, but honestly I liked the idea of starting in a familiar environment the most. I have little doubt that my life will end up pulled back to teaching later on.)

(I halt this allotted programing to say that I just saw myself in the mirror and realised how high I unintentionally put my bun. I look like a severe science teacher, or something. And I also just spent a good while checking in with Jenne—she sent an email saying she would like to—and so I do not at all feel like a severe science teacher.)

So, anyway, I was back in the dark with the staring-at-the-ceiling and why-do-I-exist times, which aren’t particularly pleasant. I was also feeling pressure to Figure It The Frak Out what with a random Providence move on the horizon (whenever housemate Jono moved out).

Friday night was one of those rough days, until the doggy post. Cassia started texting with me and I realised that, if the last time we saw each other was the Ani DiFranco concert, it had officially been as long since our last meeting as it would have been if I’d been off for a term of schooling in England. Which was pathetic. Because we’re 30 minutes away from each other and she was frequently within 15 minutes of my house driving her partner and friend to/from work. She asked me what I was up to Saturday and, essentially, if I was steal-able; I said yes, absolutely. That interaction inspired me to finish dealing with my various piles of clothing, which makes my room less completely terrible. I also chatted, painted my finger and toe-nails, showered, read, and slept without dreams that made me uncomfortable.

Saturday Cassia came and I was still in bed (…I had set my alarm for PM…) and she was not at all surprised. We eventually left my house, stopped at my library so I could drop off a book and pick up my three requests that were available, and headed to Providence. On Thayer Street we visited housemate Casey where she works, got frozen yogurt (which I had never had) at Froyoworld (I should be forbidden to buy things when my uterus is thinking for me), loitered around the Brown Bookstore, and went into Tealuxe, which is awesome. I didn’t get anything there, but next time I shall. And hopefully will have time to sit and admire for a while.

Back at The House, we watched Battlestar Galactica as Cassia worked on Rocky-Horror-crew photos. Had some time with Greg-egg and the cats. We did not nap (BSG won), so not enough napping was done.

Once upon a time I told her about the birthday plan I had for myself for the rest of my life: to get (non-sexual) nude pictures once a year, to capture its changes (intentional like tattoos/piercings, or unintentional like aging) and my thoughts. Probably with gentle lighting and a bit of artistic flare, just to keep it interesting. I asked Cassia if she knew anyone who could help me for a low price/free (since Cassia is also into photography a bit; she’s often the photographer for the RKO Army productions) and she told me that she had someone perfect in mind. She showed me some of the young woman’s work and I liked it. I guess this photographer is always looking for models, is always willing (and by the looks of it happy) to include many body types, and could potentially be quite pleased to have someone willing to do nudes, especially included in her portfolio. (Hey, if she can get past the hair and the scars, I don’t mind!) So Cassia is going to try getting the two of us in contact for some sort of tea-date first (to get to know each other/explain the concept) and hopefully it will work out because I would super duper love that!

Cassia brought me back to my place, where I did nap a little, and then it was off to the Circle of Friends Coffeehouse, where I volunteer. When I arrived I realised that I still had Cassia’s wallet—she hadn’t had a purse so I’d carried it for her—and upon calling, realised that she really needed it for the evening. I drove back down to Providence to give it to her; I was glad that I got to see Zephyr, too, since it’s been just as long since I’ve seen him.

The event reminded me that I can be a good friend. I’ve been told otherwise enough in my life that I’ve believed it, but I really do try. I suck with birthdays and I can’t always keep up on everyone’s life all the time, but when someone needs me, I’m there every time I possibly can be. Physically or whatever else. If it’s within my power to be there, I am. That was a comfort. I needed to be physically around some of my good friends again, however short the meeting was.

I didn’t actually volunteer at the show much, but I also didn’t take a seat, so I don’t feel too guilty. (I arrived right before the intermission and didn’t want to be on my feet to sell desserts or raffle tickets—especially since the latter meant spending time with a very annoying pre-teen that has bullied me on occasion, as pathetic as that may sound.) I sat with my friend’s father—and a friend of my own really—to chat and catch up. Complimented the musicians for their ukuleleing (♥!) and asked one of them how she did up her hair. Went home pretty soon after, chatted a bit, got the email from Jenne (zofbadfaith, I didn’t read the email any more times before leaving the chat, so no House points for you neener neener!), finished Eclipse (you can all shoot me now), and zonked out.

Church today I was in charge of the senior youth. I tried to get them to do a check-in but because we haven’t all had an evening meeting together (during which youth tend to actually let down guards and share authentically), it wasn’t too deep at all; I really should have gone first. But I think they got into mine when I did go (last, since we went in a circle) and appreciated that I was sharing deeper things about my life. We discussed the chocolate auction (which is next week, with all money raised going to the Pine Street Inn) and went into the worship area to make an announcement after service; it was great that my mother was the Board Member on announcements. :D

Hung out with two of the youth a bit, came home, snoozed a bit more, grabbed my stuff, and left for the Superbowl Party with my parents. I went in jammies—good move. Got there and started working toward ripping CDs for my near-aunt Carla’s father (I’ll do hers soon). A family-friend couple came and made amazing Indian food; Mum made fantastic pecan pie. I worked on the CD ripping (and read Breaking Dawn--you can shoot me again) through the Superbowl. New England Patriots lost. My region is depressed; I refuse to check Facebook.

Chatted with Jenne, as I mentioned, so now my heart is all full. Oh! And I mentioned my loss of plans, but not the new ideas… I talked with Cassia and she told me that housemate Jono is no longer intending to move out after his girlfriend’s (non-criminal) court case, which is good since he has a stronger community here and I really do like him. It means I’m not going to get any sudden text that I should be ready to move in a month or anything; I’m relieved by that. Within a year Casey may also go move in with her boyfriend—and either way, these people are the only people I am interested in living with in the near future, so I don’t see the point in contacting other friends/acquaintances about possible living situations. It also takes some of the pressure off.

But I’m clearly not the sort of person who likes sitting at home doing nothing constantly. So, with this new freedom, I’m trying to embrace my non-conventional life-style and way of living. I’m thinking of going to my Home Library and asking if they need volunteers (especially since, down the line, I would love to work as a library assistant—and experience would be good for that!). I also would like to contact the nearby plant nursery that I like and ask if they allow job shadowing (to see if that sort of job is for me) and volunteering (as a way to gain the skills that also may benefit the [family-owned] company). Both of which are unconventional, but they’re taught to ‘unschoolers’ (a liberal type of home-schooling) and I don’t see why I shouldn’t try at them just because I’m now outside of the school age bracket. If I only get a lot of raised eyebrows then cool, I’m only reminded again that I march to the beat of a different drummer, and I’ll work on getting experience/jobs the More Regular Way again. If it happens to work out in any way, then awesome, I’m living in a way that’s aligned with my core beliefs!

So despite the depression of my region of the country, today has ended on a good note for me, and I’m feeling a little optimistic. I also have this CD-ripping task so I feel useful and helpful to a near-relative, I have a weekend house-sitting job in March, and I may start occasionally taking a church friend’s mother out for outings, which will be a difficult/trying job with her dementia, but will be helping both my friend, his mother, and his father (who just needs a break sometimes). Not out of the dark yet, but I'm feeling a little rain (to be clear: I love rain).

And that’s a wrap for now! It’s read-and-sleep time!
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