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06 September 2011 @ 01:54 am
So, corny love stuff and wishful thinking have never really been my style.

But I fell for this woman (unrequited) at camp, J, and the post-camp re-entry period has absolutely been made worse by heartache. It hasn't been improved by the fact that she promised she would (and wanted to, more importantly) keep in touch with me but despite my numerous attempts to contact her (Facebook comments, Facebook wall posts--including for her birthday, Facebook messages, following her on Twitter as requested), I had received back only two responses and I could quote them by heart: ":)" and "♥".

Which, granted, cute. But in two weeks of being apart after four weeks of daily interaction, an emoticon and a symbol? Not so much what I call "keeping in touch".

It was really getting to me. I was alternatively frightened, sad and irked (which isn't unusual for me even just with friendship feelings over something like this, really, but it's made worse by the Deeper Feelings).

I was waiting for my brother to get off work at Ruby Tuesdays. I was sitting outside on a bench, watching the moon and four stars peek from behind the cloud cover; I was talking to them, as I tend to. I murmured, "Please, let J give me a sign. I'm going a little crazy. Please have her drop me a sign. And, if possible, not hurt my feelings too much."

I got home to a message from J saying, "I miss your song ♫ I miss you ♥" (I wrote her a song and performed it our last day together; I promised to record it and send it to her when I could since she wanted to listen to it as she travelled.)

It's not a lot (word-and-symbol-number-wise), but signs don't have to be; it still expresses more than I've received in a while. I feel silly about going hopeless-romantic as to ask the stars for a sign (usually I just ramble to them about my thoughts), but here I am at this juncture.

Thanks, stardust; I owe you one.

(I haven't forgotten about picspams and Rowe-posts, I just have other things to accomplish first and they're going mighty slowly. But I suppose this entry does actually offer a glimpse of my Rowe experience.)


Ah me! love can not be cured by herbs.
- Ovid
Current Mood: guiltyGuilty.
minervas_eule: Botticelli Minervaminervas_eule on September 6th, 2011 06:18 am (UTC)
Oh Kiwi, I can completely understand how you feel (will post my "therapy-entry" soonest), have a "pal's hug" over the net... <3
It is never quite the right time for heart-ache, but yours really sounds especially unkind, given that you have so much adjustment to do anyway....
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 6th, 2011 06:44 am (UTC)
Thank you for the pal's hug! *Hugs back.*

I'll admit that it has been a touch annoying time-wise, with the, "So, I need to make decisions about where I'm living/when I'm moving/when I'm getting a job/what the job will be and...oh, why am I thinking about her again?!" As my friend said, the first stage of love (unrequited or no) is not the best for productivity and thinking of something other than the person of affection.

But in another way, I'm pleased it came now. I never really did the dating or the butterflies-in-my-tummy thing when I was younger; school was always more of my priority and love never came to try to tug me out of that. It's nice, then, that the minute school is no longer my first priority (what with graduation), I end up falling head-over for someone. It lets me know that I am a person possible of falling in love--not too picky to actually find someone of interest, which I feared. For that I am grateful; I think it's one lesson I needed to learn after leaving school, and the sooner the better. This was a very 'soon' sooner.

Hopefully I'll miraculously manage to adjust to it all at one time through some tremendous force of will and adaptation (with a great lack of grace), and I'll be even more thankful down the line when suddenly I don't have as many immediate in-my-face adjustments to stomach. Hah, there I go again with the wishful thinking! :Þ
zee: cuddles *-*zofbadfaith on September 6th, 2011 01:04 pm (UTC)
Stardust will always give you a sign when you ask for it :) Specially for you, Kiwi.

I'm sad and happy for you. It's sad that it's unrequited, but at least you got a sign! And she said she misses you, regarding of the number of characters and use of symbols. We always gotta pay attention to the little things, and this one is definitely one that I know you can smile about :D

P.S.: I'm writing this PS to say that I think you should try and go see me at the end of the month. It would be mind-blowing amazing. Just sayin'.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 6th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
Specially for you, Kiwi.
D'aaaawr. *Goes all bashful.*

I'm sad and happy for me, too. But I'm actually not all that sad that it's unrequited. That would really have changed the atmosphere of camp for me, to have brought in romance; it also might have been a little too intense for me to experience while working as a staffperson at Rowe, since all of it would have been my first time. I don't know that I would have done a good enough job at what I was getting paid to do (work) if my head wasn't fully in the game. Plus, if it had worked out, the heartache would be bigger since she's a travelling musician/ecopsychologist, so we would still be in this place. It would just hurt more.

It is nice to know that she misses me, though, and that it isn't just a one-way street. I do so love the little things! (But I love words, too, so just symbols will never quite be enough for me unless I'm really confident in someone's affection for me--including friendship.)

I'm going to be trying my darndest to get down there with Lash to see you. I would really like that! ♥
CaroRulescarorules on September 6th, 2011 01:41 pm (UTC)
So sorry she was distant, but it seems like she send you a little something at the right time. *hug*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 6th, 2011 06:56 pm (UTC)
It's a little funny that people being distant online tends to pain me more than the same behaviour in person. Probably because I'm more comfortable gently confronting someone in person than online. Very glad she sent me a little something at the perfect time, though. (:
CaroRulescarorules on September 12th, 2011 12:21 am (UTC)
Someone being distant online can be so insidious.
kellychambliss: Hoochkellychambliss on September 6th, 2011 05:26 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad the stars listened to you, sweetie (They usually ignore me). And yeah, I think an emoticon and a symbol are a pretty lame way to "keep in touch." Here's hoping the unrequited love gets requited soon!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 6th, 2011 06:59 pm (UTC)
I'll put in a good word for you with the stars.

And yeah, I think an emoticon and a symbol are a pretty lame way to "keep in touch."
Glad to have some agreement there. I mean, my friends do that sort of stuff with me all the time and I love it, but it's because we are in contact other ways, too.

The unrequited love won't be requited any time soon (or at all), but I'm not too bothered. (: It was a little nice to finally feel all those things fanfics always yammer on about... (As I was telling a friend of mine, I honestly thought some of those things were made up just to make fanfic more interesting. Or at least overplayed. Which is true, sometimes, but generally not in the fic I read, and the feelings certainly exist. I feel much more educated now that I've known the feeling of having to sit on my hands to not touch someone.)
therealsnape: MM/SS wish Hoochtherealsnape on September 6th, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear the stars were cooperative. They ought to pay proper attention to rainbows, but it's nice to see it happen.

I hope you'll have much more that just a symbol and an emoticon at some point soon(ish)! Kelly is right, there are better ways to keep in touch. And if your inamorata has any sense at all, she'll want to keep in touch!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 6th, 2011 07:04 pm (UTC)
They ought to pay proper attention to rainbows, but it's nice to see it happen.
Awwr. *Great big smile.*

Inamorata--I love that word! I hope she'll want to keep in touch. I'm not always fantastic with correspondence, but I do try to keep my heart in it... She promised me she'd get me her address when she has one (she sold her home and travels for a living now, but I suggested a PO box in her most frequented place) so we could write letters. She mentioned appreciating my great love of letters and that she has a similar fondness, so hopefully we can be pen-pals. Perhaps I'll send along a message inquiring if she's sorted out an address yet.

The whole lot of this often makes me feel very silly. But then, I suppose that indicates, in a way, that I'm doing it all right. (As I've been lead to believe that love makes a person do/feel/say a number of silly things.)
tt: just wanted to saytwisted_twister on September 6th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
I really don't want to sound lame or like a broken record, but - again - you remind me so much of my younger self. Very sensitive, easy to hurt and finds meaning in the smallest of gestures (or loudest of avoidance). What can I say? That sometimes these people really like us, but they don't understand how important it is for us to receive acknowledgment in action, so they kinda reappear whenever they feel like without actually thinking about it, and disappear again just because they are otherwise occupied, all the while not giving too much weight to the whole thing.

But I think you are taking the exact right approach here: enjoying the friendship that you *can* have, and embracing the new experience that is falling in love. Have another hug, dear!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 7th, 2011 02:48 pm (UTC)
You absolutely don't sound lame or like a broken record--I love what you've said! I don't at all mind reminding someone of her younger self.

Very sensitive, easy to hurt and finds meaning in the smallest of gestures (or loudest of avoidance).
That is absolutely me. Judging from my mother, it's not something I'm ever going to escape--not that I'm sure I want to, because it means I'm often equally sensitive to others. I like the conscienciousness it gives me.

Yes, I completely understand what you're saying about such people. Often, I don't mind too much in real life--I often don't mind going up to them and initiating the action by sitting next to them at a meal or something. Online, though, the silences seem louder and I'm more afraid to 'approach' them because it feels more 'out of the way' and--I fear--obnoxious to them.

I'm definitely enjoying the friendship I can have! This falling-in-love experience has been somewhat of a blast, too, even if it couldn't work out! I finally get what all those books and fics have been going on about... :Þ

*Hugs back!* Thank you for the comment, dear one!
Chevy Eliot: Wolf - Pawstattooedsappho on September 6th, 2011 11:12 pm (UTC)
i hope that this most recent communication is the start of more lengthy correspondence on her part, as others have said (more eloquently of course) - she'd be crazy not to. ♥

on a side note - i watched harold and maude the other night and thought of you and smiled. :)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 7th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure this recent communication will be the start of a lengthy correspondence, alas, since she doesn't really seem one for long online communication. It's a pity, too, because in real life there's nothing I love more than listening to her talk! (I've told her as much, so she knows I appreciate any word she says.) I'm not so sure she'd be crazy not to be in lengthy correspondence with me, though. :B

Eeeei Harold&Maude! I need to give that film another re-watch--I think it's time. :B (It's always time, really, for me.) Pleased to hear it made you think of me--and even more so to know you smiled!