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24 July 2011 @ 11:21 pm
I've already posted too much today (half unintentionally) so here we go, I'll just add to the pile.

First order of business! featherxquill IMed me a picture to make up for outing me as a die-hard Harry/Draco shipper; I thought it only right. It's absolutely hilarious. queen_of_snapes demanded that I post it. We joked about captions and came to the conclusion that it needs to be a caption contest. I haven't the faintest idea of how to run something of that sort, but I still encourage you all to submit a caption or two! I can do it without guilt since I needn't fear HP:DH[2] spoilers so much now (this is a behind-the-scenes pic). I want you to pay special attention to where Minerva's wand is pointing.

Second order of business! I wrote gnome!fic. I was told that my grave key mistake would be outed on livejournal so I thought I'd try to beat everyone to it by explaining it in the way it truly occured, which a few of you might understand. I can't pull off dialogue the way the great lash_larue does, but here's my attempt with the gnomes...

Feather’s hand stopped halfway to her mouth. For a second Kiwi thought it was merely a pause for further consideration of the conversation or the chill of the wind. When the hand did not return to animation, Kiwi placed both hands on her cane and turned to inspect the surroundings for anything suspicious, short or sneaky. Or all three—she knew they were dangerous, occasionally being one herself. Motion caught her eye.

“Stop!” she called out. The retreating form halted and turned. Kiwi noticed the pipe first.

The creature looked confused. “’eh?”

“You’re a gnome, aren’t you?”

Two blinks each from far too many eyes. “Right’n yeh ar. How’s ya see’in meh? Yer nawt s’posed teh see meh.”

“Well I do, so that’s beside the point,” Kiwi replied. She was growing a touch impatient, what with her friend being frozen in time and nearly frozen in bridge-top wind as well, surely. “Are you with the Crone Coven lot—that Rigel? Nigel and Reg, I mean. Too many ship names…”

Kiwi thought that if the critter’s eyes had brows, they would be raised in surprise—or confusion, difficult to tell with this lot.

“Bett’n I be. I’m Willer.”

“You are, are you?”

“Rightleh so.”

Kiwi’s bare foot tapped against the concrete. She was still getting used to the feeling of her full foot against the ground after hours on nearly impossible heels. “Why are you here?”

“Y’want Nig’s ansar ‘r’ Reg’s?”

“Reg’s, if you please.”

“Believin’ he cawled it ‘key mischeef’ or somthin’ the like, miss.”

Kiwi groaned and wrapped her long coat tighter around herself. “Well that explains it. I knew I put the dratted key on my bag, as I always do. Why have you frozen my friend?”

The gnome gave Feather a once-over and took a puff from the pipe. “Orders.”

“From whom?”

“The GS.”

Kiwi crossed her arms. “I shouldn’t know who that is, yet I do. Why haven’t Reg and Nigel used that on the Crones?”

Many gnome eyes rolled as more smoke escaped some breathing pore or another. Even as a biologist and botanist—perhaps especially as that—Kiwi couldn’t quite comprehend the respiratory system of this creature. However, as it spoke, she got the feeling she understood its humour.

“Them’s menfolk. Cannae trust menfolk fer sense, can ye, miss?”

“No. But I can’t really be trusted for that, either. Or I thought I couldn’t.” Kiwi paused and glanced at Feather again. “Does this mean you have my key?”


“And I suppose your tastes run similarly to Nigel and Reg’s?”

“Nay so diff’rent, right’n. Nawt fer coven-folk. Would ‘ardleh fancy teh eyes off dem tumour-‘eaded tubers, tha way dey do each-udder.”

“Might I convince you to give my key back, to save my friend and feet?”


Kiwi thought she saw the hint of a grin curving round the mouth that gripped the pipe. She acknowledged she didn’t have the wall-scaling legs of Crone 1, the medieval beauty of Crone 2 or the elegance and carrot-cake-baking skills of Crone 3, but she did possess a few assets of her own. The long coat loosened and slipped some toward her sides.

The gnome seemed interested enough, if the many thoroughly distracted eyes and negligence of the pipe were any indication.

Kiwi bit back laughter as she bent to brush invisible dirt from her dress. When she glanced up, she found the gnome was puffing furiously and the grin was unmistakable. She felt the shape of a key appear in her hand.

“How did you end up here, nicking my keys?”

“Nigel ‘n’ Reg herd ‘bout some lass by a fruit name, somethin’ the Crones spoke of, borrowin’ out ‘n’ import’nt hat—re-lid-jus import’nce, tha’ hat! S’wot I got out’er it, least.”

“’tis an important hat,” Kiwi agreed in a serious tone. She crossed her arms again—this time careful to cross them at her waist, her coat still open. “What say you to reporting back failure to the numpty-nargles over there and keeping this between us? I don’t mind visits from critters who don’t purloin my belongings, if you know what I mean.”

“Bett’n I do indeedy.” The gnome adjusted her hat. “Bett’n I vereh much do. Nuttin’ here fer Nig ‘n’ Reg ta see, affer all.”

“That’s the spirit. My best to the Crones, if you can offer it. By my guess, they wouldn’t mind you too much.”

The gnome’s little chest stuck out in pride as she grinned. She gave a final puff to her pipe and turned to leave, but instantly she was back around again. “Dere en’t nargles at teh Cottage.”

“Mmm?” Kiwi had been looking to Feather, checking for re-animation.

“E’nt aneh nargles. Chased off teh nargles and wrackspurts mehself. Thought’n the wine’d do enough on dere heads, y’know?”

“I know,” Kiwi answered with a lop-sided grin and a chuckle. “Good on you. Now remember, Mum’s the word!”

“Mum’s teh word!” The gnome drew the tip of her pipe across her lips. “’nd tell yer friend dere she’s a loffely darlin’, would yah?”

“Absolutely. Good evening, Willer!”

“Same ta yerself, wee-key-fruit!” And with that, Willer was off.

Feather came-to just in time to witness Kiwi losing herself to laughter. “All I said was ‘should we head under the bridge?’ What’re you cackling about?”

“I’ll explain in a minute. I’ve got my key, anyway. Devilish gnomes!”

“Not the gnomes again.”

“The same. I swear it, I will slash them. Harry-Draco style.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I would.” Kiwi offered an impish grin. “But the one I just met, she’s getting with a Rosmerta gnome.”

“And you’re off, femslashing gnomes…”

I jokingly called it "hpgnomefest" when I saved it and realised I truly must be careful, for those are dangerous waters...

Now off to bed! This is also my "I'm travelling tomorrow so please don't let me die or suffer unexpected negative consequences, universe" post. Ta-ra!
lash_laruelash_larue on July 24th, 2011 10:34 pm (UTC)
Lady gnomes need love too. Host the fest, I'm there.

As for captions -

"Release the penis, Severus."

"Since when have I required a 'fluffer'?"

"I call this the 'Viagra Hex'."

"Laugh on you git - exspelligonado!"

therealsnapetherealsnape on July 24th, 2011 10:53 pm (UTC)
exspelligonado! Nearly choked on my liquor.
Great one.
albalark: ROFL Tinkerbellalbalark on July 25th, 2011 12:30 am (UTC)
*Where* do you come up with these things? Expelligonado . . . I laughed until I couldn't breathe . . . well done!
lash_laruelash_larue on July 25th, 2011 01:02 am (UTC)
Perhaps that should have been, Misspelligonado. But I can't edit the darn thing.

These things come from that hillbilly v-12 between my ears. The connections are sort of random in that thing.

kellychambliss: Greater Thankellychambliss on July 24th, 2011 10:43 pm (UTC)
Inspired, my dear! A sequel worthy of its origins.
therealsnapetherealsnape on July 24th, 2011 10:53 pm (UTC)
So you got Willer, didn't you?

Well deserved, my dear. A brilliant spin-off.
albalark: ROFL Tinkerbellalbalark on July 25th, 2011 12:27 am (UTC)
::giggles uncontrollably:: Too cute!

And I wish I could come up with something clever for the picture (which is just amazing ::g::), but Lash has got that all sewn up anyway . . . Expelligonadus, indeed. ::g::

Safe travels tomorrow, dearie!
our little life is rounded with a sleepdefyingnormalcy on July 25th, 2011 03:10 am (UTC)

That photo is hilarious. :P