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22 May 2011 @ 09:27 pm
I am in a self-esteem problem. (I phrased that a lot of ways prior and decided that, despite it perhaps not being right as far as prepositions and grammar, it's what feels right.)

I'm a little put out. I thought it was more of an "I am having a self-esteem problem during exam time" situation, but that's not the case. Exams are gone; the problem is still here.

I don't know how much (if any) is that I'm graduating in more'n a month, or finally being a confused 20-something outright (what I resist persists...), or having to go through all my stuff and separate from much of it, or having to leave my friends and the life I made here, or meeting people face-to-face or remembering how amazing I thought Rowe Staff were and realizing I don't feel like any small fraction of that, or not really seeing my close Stateside friends before I'm thrown into a new environment...

So, yes, I suppose there could be a number of factors. I know I can't impose a time-line on this, that that won't accomplish anything or likely be detrimental...

It's still annoying. It makes me want to hole away and not be around people, but I can't let that happen because these are my last few months here and I have some pretty big events coming up. It gives me the shivers to have such low self-esteem on all fronts, rather than just bits and pieces at different times (body parts, intelligence, wit, writing, art, singing/playing, creativity, general ability, general collective personality or person). It's overwhelming to feel it all at once.

I wish I didn't hear silence so much. I know it's ridiculous because I personally have >260 emails to respond to so I know that things come up and correspondence is dropped. Brain, please open my envelopes of logic when I slip them through the post-box, please! Yet I keep hearing silence louder than sounds. I don't think I would be if it weren't all wrapped up in the self-esteem issue, either.

Thankfully I have watched many years of graduates take these steps before me and I know I am fully entitled to being a hot dog mess. Mustard, anyone...?

(For a touch of the 'yay optimism' and 'dawr adorableness', my brother is really planning out my visit with him - visit to the Hippy Hippy [or something] Shake Shop and everything. I could have a jam doughnut milkshake. Wowza. Plus he's marching through exams with whatever motivation he can muster. I still have it in me to be proud of him, the little Dweeb. (: He's my Little Dweeb [at >6'] and I'm proud of him.)

It's best to keep your fingers crossed
'cause the beauty about getting lost
Is the unexpected creeps up from behind.

(Going Song - Zoë Lewis)

Thinking not floating
"Thinking is the greatest torture in the world for most people."
Current Mood: embarrassedEmbarrassed.
lash_laruelash_larue on May 22nd, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the human race. Most people in my experience who did not have self-esteem issues were assholes.

I grant that you seem to have a rather advanced case of it with less "real" reason for it than many. This is not to sneer, I'm familiar with the phenomenon, and it truly bites.

"Oh wad some pow'r the giftie gie us, to see oursels, as other see us."

Of course, then you might get conceited.

You're fucking awesome.
Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Fake it 'til you make it.cranky__crocus on May 22nd, 2011 10:04 pm (UTC)
Welcome to the human race.
That's a sad thought. I hope this is not the predominant feeling of Homo sapiens. I've had self-esteem issues before, but I can't presently recall the last time it was so all-invasive. (E.g. Days I hated my face, I might still have enjoyed/taken pleasure from my smile.)

Advanced case. Haha. One of the cases I would wish not to be advanced. (:

I like that quote. Although I imagine that if I saw myself as others did, I'd look even shorter than usual. (;

Thank you. I'm just trying to feel a little bit closer to awesome at the moment. It'd be really nice to get out of the mindfunk for all the fun things that have been planned.
101mutts: Sphinx paw101mutts on May 23rd, 2011 02:23 am (UTC)
You're definitely awesome! I thought that when I first met you and still think that. And when you go to a new place a lot of people notice you in a good way and some want to be friends. True, right? The trouble be in taking all this data and letting it sift through the Kiwi mind like fairy dust.

When you get to Rowe you'll figure out if they think you're amazing or not. My guess would be that you'll fit quite nicely into the definition of amazing for high school students (having had some recent high school experience :P). I would think the high school definition of amazing would be different from the college definition. And most people are somewhat surprised to be thought of as amazing. I doubt the Rowe Staff thought they were amazing when you did. Alternatively you can completely change your personality and everything else about you but then you'd never know if the original you would've made them happy.

Best of luck wading through this.
Kiwi Crocus: Text || Dr. S || No one Youer than You.cranky__crocus on June 6th, 2011 08:09 am (UTC)
Yes, admittedly when I go to a new place, people tend to notice me and it is often good and many people usually want to be friends. That's nice. Although it's problematic when I try to base self-esteem on things like that, because equally there are people who don't like me and don't want to be friends with me. I think that's why I'm in a self-esteem problem; I'm trying to remove my sense of self and what I gather of myself from outside sources and bring it inside. It's tricky. I'm working at it, though.

No, I don't think I want to change outwardly (save the natural trail of personal growth I always try to keep walking), but change inside, in the way I see myself. The old 'not new landscapes...new eyes' quote, or something. Learn to see myself with new - more positive - eyes.