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11 May 2011 @ 02:18 am
I have been through nothing worse than what happened to me tonight. What could happen any second, if my resolve drops for just that long. There is nothing worth this. There is nothing at all worth this.

And it's still quite likely that I will fail my Mammalian Reproduction exam and module. Or it's still incredibly possible. I wish I could just accept that and go to sleep. I probably just should - give it up, because I just don't grasp this course.

I've never failed anything before. I've never had worse than a C.

I've never felt worse about myself than I have this evening. I've never been so frightened of what a monster I could be to myself. I've never cried so much over anything.

I need this to end. Nothing is worth this.

I want to cry until July. Fucking exams. And me, and my panic that prevents me from doing things right, and me for beating myself up. I fucked this one up. Not just because I didn't understand it, but because I was afraid to approach it and pushed it off pushed it off pushed it off and now I'm quite possibly going to fail.

I've never failed anything before...

But I guess there's a first time for everything. Tomorrow is going to be a living hell. I just want this to be over.
Just me: Sagamorekatimonk on May 11th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC)
No one is going to love you less if you don't get a passing grade. This battle is between you and yourself. You're the only one who can make yourself ok with what comes next.

All of this being said, it will be OK! Really!! I totally know where you're coming from and all I can do is offer support. Let me know if you need to talk.
Rosa | ¯\(ºдಠ)/¯rosaxx50 on May 11th, 2011 02:49 am (UTC)
Oh dear. *Gives you a hug*

I need to get a hug icon
albalark: Hobbes Hugalbalark on May 11th, 2011 03:30 am (UTC)

You *will* be fine. Promise. I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my girl when she's overwhelmed and feeling like a failure: attitude is everything. If you go in feeling like it's going to be a disaster, it just might turn out to be. So put on your Kiwi rainbows and go in there believing that even if you aren't going to be giving the best performance ever on this exam, you definitely know enough to pass it. You couldn't have made it through the course so far otherwise. You can make it through this!! Relax. If you can allow yourself to do this, my dear, the knowledge you already possess will see you through.

::sends much love and positive vibes::
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on May 11th, 2011 04:41 am (UTC)
Oh, Lark, I wish that were the case. Unfortunately in UK courses it is incredibly possible to make it through the course and still fail at the exam. It will look strange since I will have an A for the coursework presentation (on one little thing that won't come up on the exam) and then whatever-I-get-that-is-significantly-lower for the exam itself.

Shooting for a 30% has never felt so difficult. I just don't understand this stuff; none of it can stick.

So many panic attacks last night (worse than I've ever had before) mean that I'm exhausted. And, since I can't sleep when I'm worried, I got about an hour and a half of sleep. Made myself pasta that I wasn't really able to eat; 'woke up' this morning and the rest of it came up with me.

I am so thoroughly broken right now. It's 5.40am and I'm awake to keep trying at revision despite how doomed I feel. I have another two and a half hours after my first exam for it, but I don't see how that could be enough. I really have screwed this one up. The idea of coming home again to revise for an exam tomorrow, and the idea of doing the same tomorrow, just make me want to...well, I won't go there. It's never been so hard not to.

I know I'll somehow end up on the other side of this, but for the life of me, at this moment and the last many, I can't figure out how. This all hurts so much. I have never been in a place like this, not with all my could-be-seen-as-dark history. I've never been so thoroughly ready to give up and let it all run me over. And for that I've never felt more ashamed.

Thank you, Lark. When (correcting my brain on the 'if') I get through this, I'm sure after a time what I will remember is how much support I got from all these loved ones in my life. I wish it were enough to make me sane and stable - oh how I wish!
albalark: Not To Yieldalbalark on May 11th, 2011 05:06 am (UTC)
::hugs you tight::

You are stronger than you think, and know more than you realize. Grab your bear and take her with you. When you see her, imagine it to be all of us who love you and feel our confidence in you, and know that no matter how this turns out you are still a wonderful, smart, worthwhile person who will go on after this with every reason for us to be proud of you. You can do it, sweetie.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Handprint on my heart.cranky__crocus on June 30th, 2011 02:40 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for being you, Lark, and for sticking with me. I am so grateful to know you and to have had your support. Oh goodness, thank you.
minervas_eule: MHiU: hugminervas_eule on May 11th, 2011 06:26 am (UTC)
Oh Kiwi ♥ : of course it is possible that you fail at this, but it is not quite likely ....there is a difference ;-) and statistics are with me here ;-)); do remember that while you sit there worrying somewhere out there the world turns, mammalians reproduce *gg* and people you do not even know yet are waiting to get to know you....
Kiwi Crocus: Ani D || Brain disconnectedcranky__crocus on June 30th, 2011 02:41 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for this comment. It was and is beautiful. I can't express my gratitude enough with words!
CaroRulescarorules on May 11th, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
There's no guarantee you'll fail. You have to keep the faith.. and if you do, you'll learn from it. *hug*
Reeferreefermadniss on May 11th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
I understand wanting the hell to be over.

But I also know you are strong and will get thru this. With a lesson, perhaps, but you will get thru. And then it'll be over and you can sigh in relief. Stay strong, dear Kiwi.
Vee: skeleton catvenomebat on May 13th, 2011 02:36 am (UTC)
You may hate me for saying this and I'm so sorry if you do but it may not be so bad even if you do fail you'll finally experience it and realize "HEY! I got an F, and the world didn't end!"

Personally I'm someone that fails all the time, I've experienced straight F's, but at the end of the day I still know I'm smarter than the average bear and just because I didn't do so great this time doesn't mean I can give up on myself, because then there won't be a next time.
Kiwi Crocus: Ani D || Pensive ponders.cranky__crocus on June 30th, 2011 02:43 am (UTC)
Thank you for this comment. ♥ I did not and do not at all hate you for you giving it, I promise! It's incredibly true and worth remembering!
Veevenomebat on July 8th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you feel that way <3