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04 May 2011 @ 02:59 am
Last night I pulled a near-all-nighter to support Mark in finishing his final essay of university, so he wouldn't freak out. It felt nice to be reminded of the person I try to be.

Printed out my revision notes for my Thursday and Friday exams. Went to a last minute revision session with Simon - very informal, 4 students there. Asked a lot of general questions about exams (so good to know now!) and some more ridiculous ones (if I send a letter of gratitude, teachers won't sit there and just remember my sad marks, right?). Also turns out Duncan has left uni. Reading - which means he was only here for 3 years, and I had him each year he was here. He worked through the system with us. I think that's special.

I felt really good. I was pleased with who I was, liked the person I was.

Revision did my head in. Had a bad panic attack through Palmer Park; couldn't stop even when people saw me - had no coping methods but my own brain and that wasn't working well. Got some help from friends when I got home.

My friend the other day mentioned calorie counting, and I thought I had never experienced anything like that. Then I caught myself spending hours over the last few weeks calculating and re-calculating what marks I needed for dissertation and exams to receive all combination of final marks. It's still putting my self-worth in a number, in a 'look' it gives me (even if not physical) and if I happen to attain it, the number will just change - it won't be enough. I was crying over a calculator because I just wanted it to say "YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH; YOU'VE MADE IT; YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL; YOU'RE WHO YOU NEED TO BE" but it couldn't do that because it was a calculator and numbers don't say those sort of things. Single letters don't either. It takes the whole words, the whole phrases, the whole sentences - the encompassing complexities of a person. Calculators and scales don't have that. My heart reached out at the same time that I was realising just how bad I had become again.

My friends and I also realised that at this moment, we've pretty much all gained our degree - we've got 75% of the marks (or at least done 75% of the work). This is the last quarter. This isn't what gives us our degree; this is what puts the little frillies on it, what adds weight. Exams are supposed to assess how much / how well we've learned. These exams determine what our degree is worth. It's so difficult to remove myself from that equation - what my degree is worth, just something I've done...not what I'm worth.

My expectations hurt. I sit here wondering: how did this evolve? what conditions did this adapt to? why hasn't it realised it's harmful now, and stopped? is it pestiferous - am I just plucking at stems when the roots stay stuck fast?

Now it's time for sleep. Today is the 4th of May, the not-so-merry Month of May. The real tomorrow is the 5th, the day of my first exam of final year. Fake!tomorrow is the rest of the 4th - I will spend it revising. Thinking. Breathing, I hope, because I'm sick of messing up the basics.


"Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company."
[Lord Byron]
Current Mood: groggyGroggy.
albalarkalbalark on May 4th, 2011 02:42 am (UTC)
::hugs:: It's almost over, dearie, and you have every right to be proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished.

Sleep well, and when you wake, remember that you are loved, and that you don't need to be anyone but who and what you are - which is *more* than good enough. :-)
minervas_eule: MHiU: hat patminervas_eule on May 4th, 2011 06:02 am (UTC)
You managed such a long way - now it is just the tiny last step left ♥

When you're back home everybody will be so proud of you - going over to England to study and finish there...in a foreign country ;-) - NOBODY will ask about your marks...