He said Ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
is a full time occupation.
to survive on this shore
you know I don't
avert my eyes anymore.
In a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now.
I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between.
Don't you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face
I have to act
just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am.
So if you still know how
talk to me now
- Ani DiFranco; "Talk To Me Now"
Today I am a combination of that and Wicked's "Defying Gravity", or at least I'm trying to be. I need to maintain this hardened version of myself, the one with the mental wards and the strong act, for a while so I can keep being myself and not a puddle of anxiety-ridden stress goo.
Today at the cafe every song reminded me of a memory and a self I've been through high school and university. It shocked me because the radio has never been one of my top manners of connection. This was proven when after the one DJ signed off, Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" started playing and I sighed at how sick to death I am of my generation's taste in music and sense of self. I know we're each generation is supposed to rebel against the generation before, and hell I know I've got a pretty whacky sense of self, but it seems that whacky for whacky's safe does not equate to a real sense of self. So I rolled my eyes and thought about how different London Road can look when I'm sitting on the other side of the street - and wondering if that's what life will feel like, when I'm not a student. I'm used to my side of the street but it's not comfortable and I'm ready to cross - or 'bridge' as we'd say in the Unitarian Universalist world.
Today I cried watching the families in the park directly across from my house's walkway. I thought about how next Sunday I can go out there and (hopefully) admire the blue sky above my head and eavesdrop on the chattering birds, because I will have made it through one of my greatest fears. But again I was watching from the other side of the street, and from this Sunday, I can't truly imagine that time and place nor myself arriving there. Some part of me knows this will be over next week (at least the larger part), but the rest of me is stuck here, with my biggest fear one huge obstacle blocking my sense of connection to my future.
So there's a montage of some of my Today Moments. I'm a girl waiting to cross the street, waiting for that little green man to tell me it's okay, my path is set and safe, I can cross the street. I am in the Waiting Place, the scent of a Slump still in my nose. I am waiting to see what the world will look like on the other side of the street.
A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.