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11 March 2011 @ 06:29 pm
This is an 'I am alive' entry.

Proof of Aliveness:
  • Finished two presentations in a week and will finish another tonight.

  • Had a 'remember to love myself' day in which I napped and showered and watched television to relax, all when I needed them, and all just to appreciate myself and my aliveness (and how grateful I am of both).

  • Spent far too much when a friend dragged me bra shopping and I found out what my real size is. Possile TMI, beep beep beep, but it's not sexualised, beep beep beep, so if you're not comfortable, beep beep beep, I suppose look away, beep beep beep, but I wouldn't care either way, beep. I'm a 32GG (or G for some roomier bras) and not a 36F! The first bra she put on me was like...it was like stepping into a hug. I gasped, honestly. I was like, "no way, that little midsection is supposed to go IN BETWEEN? It can actually touch the skin...? WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?!" So that one was expensive, but I am going to love it always, and then Claire helped me pick out some cheapies at Marks & Spencer. She probably saw much more of me than she intended to today. (But when she saw me in this bra she went, "Aaaah cleavage! It's so there! And up and 'hello world!' Kiwi, I think you've turned me [lesbian]." She continued this after my top was back on, mentioning something about my waist, but I was blushing up a storm by then and in a giggle fit so I couldn't hear it all.)

  • Was dropped off early for my meeting. Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" came on and my brain spiralled down, wondering how I could be rootless enough that one important piece of paper could alter my breathing, prevent me from sleeping, make me starve or over-fill myself and in so many other ways lose touch with my humanity and sensibility. I cried. Cue Nick to appear from the other direction, when he's usually in his office until I call him.

  • I made it through the meeting. Nick is pleased with how I'm doing it all and thinks I'm on the right track; he had some very good and useful ideas that I'll incorporate. He raved about how this project would be "good for a PhD" and then repeated it a few more times, looking sidelong at me with one eyebrow raised and this childish (I can't even believe it) grin of pure mischief. I said, "And you're not trying to persuade me or anything now are you, Nick?" He just laughed. I laughed. Laughing makes these meetings so much better - such a glorious thing is laughter!

  • I haven't been very productive in the library but I feel lighter, I have some food to eat and I'm about to be off for Claire's gospel choir. I told Nick I was going and gleefully added, "At least through all this I've made a good new friend, and in the next decades I'll still have my dissertation friend!" He seemed rather pleased. (I met Claire in his course during second year and we became friends through both of us doing Goethe projects for him.) He also smiled and laughed when I mentioned that my new goal for this 'whole thing' is to just get through university with some stability, and get back to the sort of student I was last year, sending him poetry about Francis Bacon accidentally killing himself via science experiment.

  • I'm going to keep flailing and fretting because that's what I do, but I am going to make through this, and I'm going to remember how to laugh and smile; it's what my face and lungs love doing, so much more than tears and hyperventilation.

Keep Breathing:

And, because I love Amanda Palmer and remembering this made me smile, Dresden Dolls' Shores of California:


"No longer forward nor behind I look in hope and fear; but grateful take the good I find, the best of now and here."
[John G. Whittier]
Current Mood: hungryHungry.
CaroRulescarorules on March 11th, 2011 07:50 pm (UTC)
Yay you're alive!!!

I hate bra shopping.. but we do need those don't we! Cleavage is love :)
Kiwi Crocus: Readwrite || Concentrated writing.cranky__crocus on March 11th, 2011 11:33 pm (UTC)
Yay aliveness!

And I usually hate bra shopping, but I guess that's because I've never known my proper bra size before. Today wasn't too bad! :D

Cleavage is definitely love. When the woman asked me what I wanted in a bra (as in one type) my only response was, "Well, I don't really know any types... But I've always had this dream of having real cleavage. It's an aspiration of mine." And the first bra she had me try on impressed me to no end! I suppose that's one life aspiration down then. :P
therealsnape: Kittyhawk black and whitetherealsnape on March 11th, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)
"And you're not trying to persuade me or anything now are you, Nick?" Yes he is. He know's you're great. So do we, by the way, but this makes it official. You're doing absolutely fine with your dissertation; more than fine, even.

On a completely unrelated note, now that you've found the correct size, reconsider the notion of 'matching'. You'll never know when you'll find yourself in a position where it's important. (Remember my story By the Book?)
Kiwi Crocus: Shoes || Heels and leg warmers.cranky__crocus on March 11th, 2011 11:40 pm (UTC)
He may see potential in the project - and alright, perhaps even in me - but he also mentioned that this was "closer to the deadline than he had hoped" and I realised he can't have worked with real procrastinators before, because compared to some, I'm still ahead of schedule! I'd drive him batty in a PhD environment and he really doesn't need that - his surname is already Battey, he doesn't need anything to augment that. Silly Nick, doesn't know what's good for him. :P

Thank you for the reassurance, though. I'm not sure I'm ever going to feel I'm doing absolutely fine until it's done...or I've given it? ...or I've got it back? or...never? But that's alright, as long as I make it through those first three steps.

As awkward as this might sound, I thought of you during the fitting session, because as soon as she approved of the bra on me (with much more touching than was necessary, I swear!) she asked if I wanted to see the matching set. I told her I couldn't possibly afford it (at that point I wasn't even going to buy the bra itself) but wouldn't mind looking. Eventually I made the decision to buy the bra, but when I looked at the prices of those bottoms, I knew I definitely couldn't go for it as I always already giving up a week's worth of budgeting - no matter how tempting the matching waist cincher with stocking straps. Again, perhaps when I have money in the vague 'someday,' haha.

I will have to (re?)read By the Book, just so I'm prepared! But I don't see any of those moments approaching in the future - alas at this point in my life, I would be uncomfortable enough with them that I'm afraid I would turn them down.

But yes, I am one step closer to matching sets! (Plus, I got a white cheapie and a black cheapie - so I can make it look like I've got a matching set pretty easily. :D )
minervas_eule: Stopminervas_eule on March 11th, 2011 08:37 pm (UTC)
I'm about to be off for Claire's gospel choir. YESS! Choir is ALWAYS good for EVERYTHING one needs it to be good for and everything else, too ♥ *ggg*
Kiwi Crocus: Lesbians || Grass-root upbringing.cranky__crocus on March 11th, 2011 11:43 pm (UTC)
It really was fun! Very active. Although it was more religious than either of us expected (which is funny, since she's in it); the two 'guest' bands that played were very religious as they were talking. Usually university events are a bit more non-denominational. I feel bad about it, but I tend to be uncomfortable around too much outspoken religion, so hearing religious terms and concepts in songs is a big enough deal for me - hearing it as the people address the crowd was harder.

But it was still a lovely night, the singing was a fantastic and a cute girl with fantastic hair flirted with me! :D (That will have to be for another entry, I suppose. :P) I was also told to join the gospel choir. Hmm. I think if I was going to join one, I'd probably join the LGBTQ choir in town. :B
Hopelessly Prosaicncp on March 11th, 2011 09:04 pm (UTC)
New bras are always a happy-making thing. I recently realized that I'm not a 34A, I'm a 32B, which means woohoo! B-cup! OTOH, the 32 means I have to shop in the Junior's section. Win-some lose-some.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Pretty princess.cranky__crocus on March 11th, 2011 11:45 pm (UTC)
New bras are definitely a happy-making thing, especially now that these ones fit better! It'll take me a while to get used to the tightness (since I'm used to wearing two band sizes bigger), but she also let me know that the bras will stretch a little with wear so that will be nice - and if I want them to go back to tight I can always use the next set of hooks.

B-cup, yaaaay! Although to be fair 32B has some really cute/often sexy bras! I'm a little jealous! 32GG is kind of limited in 'cute' bras, and I can't just run in anywhere to grab one, which is a bit sad.

If it makes you feel any better, I buy a lot of my informal dresses in the Girls' section! (I have to buy XL or above to fit the 'twins'/top shelf, but other than that they fit better than Womens' dresses since I'm short and those tend to be too long.)
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Plait || Backward.cranky__crocus on March 12th, 2011 12:14 am (UTC)
Awwr, thank you for the +1! Also, your icon is fantastic.

Oh goodness, live demo! You and Snapely One are going to be the death of me, trying to get me to sing in front of real people and not a screen! But just for you I took out my uke and played that song through a few times; I'll have to play it fairly often to remember the chords without looking them up each time, and it'll be many more plays before I've memorised the lyrics. :P But I will try for you! (Only if you 'might be convinced' to sing along!)

(How do I still not have a ukulele icon? This is just getting silly!)
our little life is rounded with a sleep: A/R ADFMS sexitimesdefyingnormalcy on March 11th, 2011 11:06 pm (UTC)
*sigh* I adore Ingrid Michaelson.

Good luck with your work hon! *hugs* :)
Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Surreal.cranky__crocus on March 12th, 2011 12:14 am (UTC)
I love Ingrid Michaelson! ♥ She's adorable, too. (:

Awwr, thank you! Same to you of course! We can get through this!
lash_laruelash_larue on March 12th, 2011 02:13 am (UTC)
So nice that the girls have a comfortable home at last!

Flail and fret all you need to, the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train after all.

Nickiperoxidepirate on March 12th, 2011 03:40 am (UTC)
Yay for laughter, aliveness, things that fit right, and good music. (: