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09 March 2011 @ 01:28 pm
I'm trying really hard. Yesterday I went to my 10am lecture and, while listening to Phil talk about the conservation impact of domestic cats, I worked on my mink presentation for Thursday. Hung with Claire as she ate, went to Mondial for a baguette and to relax (read) for a little while. Off to the library with me to have fun with my American friends and also nearly finish the presentation.

I came home, hoovered and did a few other To Do List things and finished the presentation. Took a break. Researched oestrus detection in cattle for today's meeting at 2 (I'll leave in a half hour). It'll probably just be an informal you-do-that-I'll-do-this meeting that won't last long since the presentation is week 9 or 10.

But last night I realised I was hungry and it was preventing me from further work, so I headed downstairs to make some pasta - normal enough. I cooked extra servings so I could save them - normal again. I ate one plateful while chatting with the housemates and making fun of incredibly bad television - ridiculously normal. And then I ate the rest of the pasta in the pot, which is not normal, and I didn't need to do, but I couldn't stop and now thinking of it makes me feel disgusting. I don't know how binging crept up on me like that again. I remembered my mother saying - of her experience in college - that perhaps it calmed people because it put the stomach to work on something else (digestion) instead of nerves. And, well, that ended up true for me.

Now thinking of food makes my stomach turn over, yet I can tell I'm hungry. Erg. I do love getting myself in these spots. My sleep wasn't terrific either, though I slotted out 8 hours, because Dimitri called at nearly 5am saying he was locked out of the house. There was a drunk girl and (presumably) her boyfriend as well as another friend there when I opened the door; they all came in as we closed the door on the sketchball at the end of our walkway. The girl was very loud. Mark banged on Dimitri's door for the lot of them to shut up. I mainly feel bad, because Dimitri was flustered and this obviously wasn't what he wanted but he's helping out some friends by letting them stay here. He has an incredibly small room and they brought their stuff. I can't see this as something he particularly wanted either.

On the plus side I was good about taking breaks yesterday and stopping my work after I'd reached the level of accomplishment I had been looking for. I guess this is just one more thing to work through.

Tonight - well, today after the meeting and then tonight - I have quite a bit today. Tomorrow morning I have a new dissertation draft due in and I would like to at least get all my results (more quantitative and onto qualitative citation analysis) done, if not more. Then I have a counselling appointment. Then off to the mink presentation, which means I have to practice my material tonight. Friday I have a meeting with my Wildlife in the Farming Environment group so I'll have to do my bit of the Powerpoint by early-ish tomorrow evening. Friday I have to be on campus until 4 for a meeting with Nick-the-supervisor and then 7 for Claire-the-dissertation-partner's choir concert. I'll hopefully spend the time working on my dissertation since Nick wants a first full draft in by next week.

I know this is crunch time. I've faced crunch time so many times before. I know that this one is harder and it's the last one and that even when it's done I have the most horrible exams I can think of on the horizon. I know I can do it... I guess I just need to keep reassuring myself. I can get through it. Sticktoitiveness, as Mr. Dufault always used to say - one of his favourite words for its simplicity. He might add, "It's time to play school!"

Yes, Mr. Dufault, it's time to play school; as important as this may feel now and indeed as important as the degree may be in the end, it is all a bit of a game. I know the rules. I know that as a game plan, I tend to go for the late points to come out ahead. You were the cross-country coach at the Aggie so I'm sure you know this strategy: it's my pre-finish-line sprint. I'm exhausted, Mr. Dufault, so very very tired. I'm burning myself out in my final year of schooling for a long while, but I'll make it through. I always do. I miss you and your stories, your vocab and your grammar. I miss how you hassled me in class because you knew I could take it; I miss knowing I could take it. I miss your commentary on my papers/work and I miss joking with you after class. ("I'd want my date to be the White Witch!" "Me too, Mr. Dufault, me too. Tilda Swinton is beautiful." "That's what I call a real woman!") I miss feeling comfortable. I'm sure it'll all come again in time. Thanks for inadvertently being a life coach too, Mr. Dufault. You were an amazing English teacher and a great man; I was blessed to have you for three years of high school and the fourth only reminded me how much I appreciated you.

I'm not sure where all the sentimentality came from. I guess I'm just in a place in which I need it.

I miss having female teachers, too, but that is a story for another day. And I'm in the sciences - I'm lucky if I have one female module coordinator a term. It makes me sad.

Time to be off to my meeting. I'm trying. Just keeping myself reminded: it's about the trying my best and not the being the best or even my best because I can't always be that. I'm trying. I'm playing school, Mr. Dufault, I'm playing school.


A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]
Current Mood: busyBusy.
minervas_eule: MHiU: hat patminervas_eule on March 9th, 2011 01:59 pm (UTC)
You are right: it is a hard stretch of way that will be over at the next bend - you will manage to finish it just as so many before you have done.

Your English-teacher sounds really exceptional.
And the lack of women in science: I did not have a single female teacher during my 5 years at the university (back in the 80s).... I loved the book about Marie Curie though *gg*.
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Windy smile.cranky__crocus on March 9th, 2011 04:31 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes, I will soon enough join the large group of people who have made it through this before me! I feel a bit silly for finding it difficult enough that it stretches my mental stability so thin.

My English teacher was absolutely exceptional. He retired the year after I left, I think; they really didn't appreciate him much at the school near the end. Most of my older teachers retired as soon as they could - it was quite sad really.

I don't know if I could get through university without a single female teacher! I'd suffocate! I do love Marie Curie, though. (:

Thanks for the comment! ♥
albalarkalbalark on March 10th, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
You CAN do this, Kiwi. If I could press another metaphor onto you, think Little Engine That Could. When the going gets tough, take another step and chant I think I can. I think I can and before you know it, you'll power yourself through it.

::sends empowering and encouraging vibes and many hugs::
Kiwi Crocus: Green || Kiwi love.cranky__crocus on March 10th, 2011 02:01 am (UTC)
I'm trying to stay in the "CAN" mindset; it's off-putting how frequently and easily my mind slips into the "CAN'T" Kingdom. A lot of my 'trying' is actually going into staying stable.

Awwr, thank you for that adorable little metaphor. I will try to remember that!

*Snuggles into empowering and encouraging vibes, as well as the hugs. Then sends some Kiwish hugs, empowering and encouraging vibes back.*
gerristgerrist on March 12th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
You are so right albalark. Kiwi needs to the energy of The Little Engine that Could. The book might be better, but this isn't bad either: