Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

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Irresponsibility did not so much happen. (Is anyone that surprised?)

I've never seen the Granby so filled with young people, nor so crowded. It was a neon night with a black light feel and everyone all dressed in neon and painted - what a day for me to look close to goth, when I'm usually so colourful! Dancing with Clover was a blast. Mark came along after a while and we all danced together, heading outside to the smoking area for a break every once in a while, despite none us being smokers.

Near the end of the night I saw a woman with fantastic curls and complimented her on them; she laughed and guessed that I had similar hair and was trying to figure out how to get the same effect. I pulled my hair over my shoulder and we discussed the technique for a while, moving onto other subjects as Clover hit it off with two of the woman's straight friends. The woman told me her name was Tara. She told me she didn't usually make friends outside connections with her circle of friends. I was excited for some friendship.

We headed inside and Clover danced with one of the straight men while and I danced with Mark and Tara and her friends, always keeping an eye on each other. At some point Tara danced closer to me so we danced a bit more tangled. I was surprised to find a forehead against me but made no comment - I do love dancing with others. After a bit we went back to dancing separately, both of us preferring to be flail!dancers over entwined!dancers.

She invited me out for a smoke and I followed her to the coat area, telling her that Mark was buying me a drink so I should stay inside with him and Clover - but perhaps I'd head outside after. She pulled me in for a quick kiss and it felt wet and I hurried off, wiping my mouth and frowning. It seemed a very inviting 'we may not just talk outside' kiss, which I wasn't up for. When I eventually saw her outside again after some dancing with Mark, I let her know that I was someone to dance with but not someone to do any more with. She didn't seem to believe me, or took it as I was just saying it out of self-doubt or because I was down on myself, which was frustrating because that's not the case. I like dancing; I do not like kissing or intense groping or the idea of going home with anyone. She did tell me she thought I was an incredibly attractive person...I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that, as accepting comments with grace tends to take practice, and it all feels a bit different when it's in the context of club scene hookups.

Mainly I was worried because in the moment it took me to go find Mark at the bar after the brief kiss, I managed to lose Clover - a big No No in a club! So I hurried around trying to find her, including spending lots of time on the stairs (where I gain height) trying to find her head of hair, which I distinctly remembered as I had French plaited before we headed out. I finally saw her upstairs in a guy's lap very intensely connected at the mouth... I stood watching for a while in an attempt to discern if she looked as if she was really into it or being pressured, but she seemed to be having a good time, so I headed off with the intention to stop by again to make sure that was still the case.

Eventually she came running to find me and we hugged for a little while, because it appeared I had been wrong and she had felt primarily pressured ("although he wasn't a bad kisser"). I apologised and told her my story about how I am inadvertently a tease; we hugged more, promising not to split up again. We danced with Mark until the lights came on, including screaming out a Journey song and hearing Lady Gaga's "Born That Way" for the second time in the evening. (I think I will soon grow annoyed with that song - it seems to be becoming the new Anthem for queer youth culture.)

Sigh. I had a nice time, and I like going out...but I wish I could feel more 21 with it. The fact that Clover could feel pressured in a situation with a guy she found a little sketchy and still admit that the kissing itself wasn't blows my mind. I don't understand how I can find a woman like Tara reasonably intelligent, quite pretty, very fun, enjoy dancing (at points quite close) with her, but as soon as there's a touch of lips I just want to be gone. I can't stand the feeling; it makes me feel gross. It's so frustrating. I know it's always in a certain environment that isn't very stimulating for me in general, but there are so many people who can enjoy kissing in a club setting. I guess I just have to be okay with accepting that I am not one of them.

Things for me to remember: 1) work on not coming off as flirtatious when I am merely interested with someone in a 'you are an interesting person and so I am enjoying conversing with you' sort of way; 2) if there is any awkwardness in telling someone I'm not interested in anything beyond dancing, learn to make the awkwardness an 'I am uncomfortable and I am not interested' awkward and not a 'I am uncomfortable with being uninterested and unsure of myself so you should chase me a little more;' 3) don't dance with people in a way they could interpret as suggestive (and see number 2 in the manner of communicating this disinterest, even if physically expressing it rather than verbally).

It's annoying when my mind is on repeat at clubs, wistfully inquiring, "Why am I not 30? Why am I not 40?" Especially when I see older lesbian friends/couples out dancing - I tend to try to join in with them for some inter-generational fun, and they usually accept me in with amusement, thinking I'm a quirky young lesbian into a different scene from the duckbutt-spiked-slick-straightened-hair youth lesbian culture.

But today I am with Clover at the Global Cafe/Bar with uni students playing acoustic guitar music, liberal men and women of all ages congregating around the place. Low lighting, intellectually stimulating in a way that catches my attention but doesn't make me feel stifled or too involved. ("But it isn't as though he could be objective, so he had to..." [random conversation snippet] "Are you a student? What are you reading? Oh, dissertation? What's it about?" [questions to me].) Much more comfortable! If only there were a fun little section to dance, I'd be all set! Especially if it had music for more interpretive dancing rather than this-music-is-for-hip-movements-imitating-sex dance styles.

Complex creatures, though, humans. I find something to love about both cafes and clubs, no matter how different they are and what different parts of me they fit.

(I also have to find it at least a little amusing that I love lips so much but since have always hated kissing with equal dedication.)


Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
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