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24 February 2011 @ 04:05 am
Hmm. Today.

Slept lots last night because of alcohol the day before. (I had my own Southern Comfort and coke for the first time, and earlier in the day Claire bought me a single then double gin with lemonade on campus.)

Cleaned my room up a bit - not to perfection as I'd like, but better.

Made it through my emails.

Skyped with my mother and tattooedsappho though I could not see them. I was told I looked like a "gay hermit," which I cannot say is entirely (or at all) incorrect.

Watched an amazing film and started the very beginning of another.

As for my birthday, I went to lecture - Alejandra (she was a chaperone for Spain) was the lecturer. It was nice seeing her, but she didn't understand my questions entirely. Walked Claire to her French seminar and goodness her teacher is stunning; she looked hardly older than us, as well. I don't know why it's so comfortable being in the Humanities building when I'm a scientist. Dragged my heels heading over to the counselling centre because it was hard, but sat down with the lady and basically just put myself down on the list. (I couldn't remember the date and asked, then when she told me went, "Ah, yeah, it's my birthday - I should probably remember the date." She seemed delighted that I would come on my birthday. I had to wonder how coming to the counselling centre on one's 21st birthday could be construed in any solidly positive way.) Computer lab and then hung out with Claire as she sang with another girl for choir. Sat in Animal & Microbial Sciences building lobby (and was distinctly uncomfortable in the building) with Jojo while supporting Claire through her meeting with Nick-the-supervisor. Then we headed over for Mojos and they bought me the previously mentioned gin-and-lemonade. My first remark: "It tastes like a tree! I feel as though I've licked a pine tree." They were delighted by this and the fact that I immediately took a second sip, and then experimented with blowing bubbles. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I'm turning six or a new age.

Claire dropped me at home and I had parcels! A beautiful cane from lash_larue and a collage/DVDs/card from ubiquitousmixie and a cane tip (which arrived in perfect time and makes the cane shorter so it fits me) and leotard. (I have grown so annoyed with bras that I am wearing leotards within the house, because they are a step down from bras and my minimising sports bra but a step up from wearing nothing - and thus are perfect!)

I also received fantastic and lovely online messages! Thank you, all of you, for your posts and your comments. You brightened my day to a hue far brighter than I expected. (:

Tomorrow (er, today) I've got a counselling meeting at 11.30, lecture at 2, Claire is kidnapping me so I can teach her referencing and how to sing Winter Song (Ingrid Michaelson & Sara Bareilles), work for Wildlife in the Farming Environment and dissertation work. Will get through it and will try my best!

You all are so wonderful. I can't even. Just. aslkdjfhgalsdfj. Works of art and beauty and love and intelligence, all of you.


Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
[Rachel Carson]
Current Mood: thankfulThankful.
lash_laruelash_larue on February 24th, 2011 12:11 pm (UTC)
Yay, you!

I glad you got out, and while I'm sure going to the counselling center was hard, it's likely that was the worst part. It always has been for me. Perhaps the lady thought that since birthdays are sometimes low points for people dealing with depression that it was a posotive sign that you came in.

I know you know this, but I have to remind myself of it fairly often, so I'll inflict it on you too. Depression is a medical issue, not a lack of character or a failure of any sort. Anyone who tells you that you can "straighten yourself out" (the mantra of my existence) is ignorant at best. Knowing the name of the thing that's hurting you doesn't give you the ability to cope alone, depression itself prevents that. End of impertinent speech, except to say that if you don't like/trust the counselor they give you ask for another one. They're people just like the rest of us.

And watch out for that Southern Comfort, the stuff is a crowbar in a velvet sock.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || The cake is a lie.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 01:01 pm (UTC)
I think it was the worst part - it's always been the worst part for me, too. Now I just have to deal with putting things in action and not guilting myself to death whenever I can't quite fit it or slip up. (I unfortunately could have a First with Distinctions degree in Beating Myself Up - I could have a PhD in that without trying [though I'd beat myself up for it, you see].)

Thank you for reminding me of that; it's something I forget fairly often. Depression sure does its best to prevents its own cures/remedies/mechanisms of however-temporary defeat. But I suppose that makes sense, since it wants to keep control (and keep us feeling as if we ourselves have none).

crowbar in a velvet sock
*Snerk.* My parents, brother and I were chatting on Skype for my birthday and I mentioned having purchased my first Southern Comfort. My brother reached over and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels. I laughed out "you've gone for JD?! You poor Janis..." And I of course realised with this that my family is going down. (;

(My brother seems to have taken to alcohol better/with more ease than I have - but he is a male first-year college student with male first-year friends; it's part of the culture. My culture seems to be daydreams and chocolate.)
Veemanaismygoddess on February 25th, 2011 02:48 am (UTC)
I said the same thing the first time I had a gin and tonic! It does taste like a tree! I didn't stick with it but one of my best friends is a huge fan of it.

I remember I got my braces put on on my birthday and pondered the genius of that idea after the fact, decided it was worth it because i got ice cream cake >.>
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || The cake is a lie.cranky__crocus on March 8th, 2011 12:37 am (UTC)
It totally tastes like a tree! I'm glad I'm not the only crazy who thought of that. :P I think I'll pick other drinks from now on. (:

Ice cream cake! I love ice cream cake!