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21 February 2011 @ 02:42 pm
I'm sorry for my posts lately. I'm not usually like this, or at least I don't think I am, but I can't really remember... I think I usually have fluctuations as many people do, but that I'm generally alright with laughing quite a bit of it off? I haven't felt like this since I was 15 and had surgery then found out my hip was dead / 17 and decided to go for a hip replacement.

I think I'll stick to trying not to post, keeping it short when I do and only freely allowing myself to post when something has managed to lift my mood long enough to log onto livejournal.

I would call this a livejournal hiatus, but I'm not really strong enough for that and I've been here since I was 13, so I won't call it that. I'm not sure what this is.

I want the old me back in my head. =( I know she would crack a joke right now, and I'd be laughing away at myself alone in my room, not caring that I appeared crazy - because it would be good crazy, the kind of crazy that copes and cleans herself and leaves bed, and not this. I hate when the voice I consider 'me' leaves, but then I'm still here, only who does that make me if I don't recognise myself?

UGHSTOPITKIWI. You wanted to be less depressing, remember?

You all are completely forgiven for not commenting on any of my entries. I wouldn't know what to say either. Edited: No, no, that didn't come out right! I was trying to think of the right word but I couldn't and forgiven was close but now I realise it makes it sound as though I'm accusing you all of not commenting on past entries, which isn't true, you've all been fantastic with commenting and I only meant that you all are sort of forgiven-in-advance, off the hook I mean, with commenting on future entries. Because I will completely understand not having anything to say / the right thing to say / a comfortable thing to say - I've totally been there. Dark entries are hard to respond to, so I wanted to make sure that none of you feel pressured into it or guilty at all if you can't/don't want to comment! Only I went and said pretty much the exact opposite. I'm sorry. =(


A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]
Current Mood: cynicalCynical.
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: Lesbians || Grass-root upbringing.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 03:26 pm (UTC)
I cried at the crocus comment - but good tears! That was nice. Thank you for telling me. I love crocuses. Hopefully spring flowers will do me some good!
minervas_eule: MHiU hugminervas_eule on February 21st, 2011 02:54 pm (UTC)
Please don't feel you have to apologize for your posts here ...really, *wth* typing them is better than doing nothing at all, I suppose...
But you are right that I certainly don't know what to say to them, as everything I can think of would sound so terribly patronizing which is the last thing you'd want to hear and I want to sound like :-(
Here's to hoping somebody real will drop in and manage to cheer you up!
Kiwi Crocus: Lips || Sweet watermelon.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 03:28 pm (UTC)
I'm trying to run with the 'out is better than in' technique. I edited my post because I did a terrible job of expressing the sentiment I was trying to express! I don't blame you at all for not knowing what to say to them.

Thank you. (: At this point I really should get settled in on work since I didn't accomplish anything this weekend. Maybe I'll manage to have some fun with it.
lash_laruelash_larue on February 21st, 2011 02:54 pm (UTC)
In truth I couldn't come up with anything on the previous one,
an e-hug seemed too trite a response.

I don't see how my saying that I'm sorry things are so tough for you now would help either, but perhaps the saying of it would have reminded you that I care, and I do.

Of course you are aware enough to know that this is likely depression, (duh) and I hope that if you don't emerge soon that you will seek help for it, it's an awful affliction. Is there any way you can contact the therapist that you liked by e-mail?

Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Roses.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)
I edited my post because I only realised after people commented how terrible it sounded. I didn't mean to imply that you all haven't done a fantastic job with previous entries - because you absolutely have - and only wished to let people off the hook for future entries and, really, that last one. I don't blame or hold it against you at all that you couldn't come up with anything for the previous post; I probably couldn't have either!

Yes, I did finally acknowledge last week or the week before - my brain is always fuzzy - that I am back in my full depression. I'm not sure how to go about seeking help here, really, and when I had a lesser case first year and tried I didn't find much. I will email my old therapist - Jojobird gave me that as a homework assignment, so I must do it before I next see her - but I'm not sure it'll do much because I'm uncomfortable weighing her down with an email expressing exactly how I'm doing.

This bout seems to have a pretty realistic 'end' point, so a lot of it seems to be just wading through. This one is so linked with university that I can't see it continuing beyond, at least with such severity. The previous bouts have been attached to less regimented problems. So I suppose even if this one isn't easier, at least it has a clear point of easing.
(no subject) - lash_larue on February 21st, 2011 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
CaroRulescarorules on February 21st, 2011 02:55 pm (UTC)
This is your journal and you should be able to write whatever you want. We understand you know!
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Black cat.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 03:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you for that reminder. ♥
Andrewquueer on February 21st, 2011 03:33 pm (UTC)
go check your gmail please and thank you.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || In my hands.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 03:53 pm (UTC)
I have done; thank you for sending that to me. How did you get through your last year of college?
(no subject) - quueer on February 21st, 2011 04:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 04:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - quueer on February 21st, 2011 04:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
mindabblesmindabbles on February 21st, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. What a hard place to be. One thing I try and remember is that such crises rarely last forever -- even though they feel like they will. As a former therapist I can say that I rarely mind when old clients contact me, or if I do or it is too much, it is my job to find a compassionate way to set a limit to take care of myself, not theirs. I wish you peace of mind and health.
Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Blue butterfly bound.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC)
Mmm, I think the main thing really pulling me through this is know that it *won't* last forever, because much of this is so strictly linked with university, and whether I do well or do poorly, that should end by late June.

Thank you for the peace of mind and health wishes. I think I will email my old therapist, but less in a this-is-how-I-am way and more of a proactive what-do-you-suggest way. It's one thing for me to feel able to sit down with her for 50 minutes and have those time limitations to talk. Email feels very much...not that. Thank you for your perspective! It helps.
kellychamblisskellychambliss on February 21st, 2011 06:09 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, don't be sorry. Say anything you like here on LJ to us -- it's your safe space, and all your flist wants is to help you if we can.

I don't mean to barge in and tell you what to do, but I'm worried about you, and so I'm going to barge in and tell you what to do: "talking" to us is good, and I hope you'll continue. But you need a professional to talk to, someone you can actually be face-to-face with, someone specifically trained to deal with your state of mind, which, sadly, is more common among college students than it ought to be. I don't know about UK schools, but most US ones have a counseling center (ours does) or at least a way to refer you if you need help. Please contact them, or get your nice housemate Mark to do it for you, if you're not feeling up to it.

I'm like minervas_eule -- I don't want to sound patronizing in comments, but now I think it's better to risk that than not say anything.
Kiwi Crocus: Emotion || Surreal.cranky__crocus on February 21st, 2011 06:20 pm (UTC)
You are welcome to barge in and tell me what to do - even if you fear it sounds patronising - for I haven't found it so, and most times you're only ever going to be telling me what I already know and am resisting. I won't resent you for any of it!

My university does have a counselling service and I did contact them first year; I went to an appointment and was told I didn't really need to go again. The system here just seems very...different, and it's frustrating because I miraculously ended up with the Best of the Best for me back home, which I knew wouldn't happen again, but I wanted to try anyway. I had the Mark idea as well. Yes, I think it's time to try again.

Thank you for your instructions and for reminding me that this state of mind is more common among college students than it ought to be. I really appreciate it.
albalark: Someone loves youalbalark on February 21st, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
First, you may say anything you like - even if I'm at a loss as to how to offer comfort for such pain, that doesn't mean I want you to keep it to yourself. Where else can you speak if not here? How else can you begin to deal with what hurts you than to get it out and in the open? Please don't feel as if you need to shelter us from what you are going through.

Second, no apologies. There is no need for them (see above). This space is *yours*. Don't you dare apologize for using it the way you need to.

Third, if I could be there in person, as I am sure all of your flist will tell you, I could *do* more, but I couldn't *care* more. Perhaps not much comfort, but, please remember that you are not alone in this world. ::hugs tight::

P.S. I wrote this as soon as I read your post, without stopping to read what other had written, but now that I have, may I add a second to Kelly's advice? You can tell us anything, but some who is actually with you and who knows what resources might be available to help you is no less than you deserve.

Edited at 2011-02-21 07:02 pm (UTC)
Kiwi Crocus: Plaits || Tangled together.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:15 am (UTC)
Third, if I could be there in person, as I am sure all of your flist will tell you, I could *do* more, but I couldn't *care* more.
That is so beautifully put, and thank you for it. I can understand that completely. ♥ One thing livejournal and all of you lovely people have recently taught me is that I am absolutely not alone in this world!

but some who is actually with you and who knows what resources might be available to help you is no less than you deserve.
And I like the way you put that. I did see counselling services on my birthday. I have an appointment tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers, but not exactly sure what for.

Edited at 2011-02-24 02:16 am (UTC)
Miss M.: ladybirdsmiss_morland on February 21st, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, bb, I'm really sorry for you -- I've been there myself, pretty often (and still am, occasionally), and I can't really tell you anything that you don't know already. But still... Do try to talk to someone professional. And I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but are you considering antidepressants? They might help, and there's no shame in taking them.

*sends hugs*

Edited at 2011-02-21 07:32 pm (UTC)
Kiwi Crocus: Plaits || Claw hand.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:19 am (UTC)
I have a counselling appointment tomorrow. (:

I have considered antidepressants but decided they are not for me. Throughout all of my medical ordeals, I have been wary of drugs - to the point of getting myself off pain medications early even after operations. I really don't like knowing such things are in my body, especially since I grew up having Lupron injected in me every month from 7 to 12. I think they do wonders for others who have some ability to trust them, but I fear that my antagonism to drugs in me would alter me for the worse if I had them in me often, even if they themselves were doing good - if that makes sense? I'd give myself a new problem, I think.
BurningEden: be enoughburningeden on February 21st, 2011 08:01 pm (UTC)

I don't want you to stop posting. I will confess that I don't know what to say to you and I felt like me telling you to hang in there or that everything would work out would come off as platitudes and offend you.

The point is ... I do think things will work out because you are Kiwi. You don't know how to fail and you don't give up. You are strong, brilliant, wonderful, talented, and brave. You're going to be okay. I believe with every fiber of my being that you will get through this and look back one day and realize that it just strengthened you.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed and unsure and depressed and miserable and surly and angry and dark. Anything you feel ... you're feeling it for a reason and it's perfectly fine. If you didn't feel ... then I'd be worried.

You're passionate, Kiwi. You're passionate and amazing and you'll be okay. I'm always here if you need me. Always. Forever.

Huge hugs.
Kiwi Crocus: Plaits || Face forward.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:24 am (UTC)
C, you are the best. Absolute best of the best. I don't know what I've done to deserve having you on my flist, but whatever it is, I'm glad I've done it!

I won't be offended and won't take anything as a platitude, I promise. Things that pull me a step closer to my regular mindset or remind me at least that it exists I consider to be good in general.

Thank you for your confidence - it means the world to me. I'm a little worried about my ignorance in the subject of 'how to fail' and that it will get me in trouble, but I will absolutely keep trying. And keep blushing, if I keep reading your comment. Thank you thank you thank you. ♥

overwhelmed and unsure and depressed and miserable and surly and angry and dark
I'm so glad. I forget that so often, and then just feel guilty when I am any of those things - and then often get angry at myself, which only worsens the cycle. I don't ever allow myself to be unpleasant if I can help it, in any circumstances, and that doesn't do me any good sometimes - I need to be 'unpleasant' sometimes to get through it all, don't I? Best I can do is have those times not be around people I could hurt - so trying to let it out when I can, which will give me more control than letting it build up and sneak up on me when I don't want it around.

And now you've made me cry. But in a good way, which feels so lovely after the last bouts of crying. More gratitude to you than I know how to express! *Gentle Kiwi hugs.*
þeof in þystro: Hatmothwing on February 22nd, 2011 12:13 am (UTC)
Oh Kiwi, I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time right now, but I'm glad that you see that there is an end to this - and you will push through this, I'm sure of it. I'll also chime in with the others - it's your journal, your space, and you can post whatever you want, you don't ever have to apologise. Also, Kelly's advice is as sound as usual- many of my IRL friends went through a terrible time during towards the end of their studies and the uni counselling service was really helpful for most of them, especially if most of what put you into the place you're in is uni related - they have a lot of experience with specifically uni-related things.

So, I hope you get better, soon. Here's some tea:

Some flowers:

And some hugs: *HUGS*
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Roses.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC)
Oh, you are so kind, thank you! The pictures brightened my day. (: As much as I wish no one ever went through this, it is nice to know that I am not alone in going through this at this time. I know a lot of my friends are in similar places, but my place seems to be dark to a concerning degree... So I'm off to a counselling appointment tomorrow. Hopefully that will help.

Thank you again for your wonderful comment! ♥
Nicki: Audrey Hepburnperoxidepirate on February 22nd, 2011 01:32 am (UTC)
KIWI!!!! *hugs super tight*

Please don't stop posting if you feel like posting or if there's any chance it will help. I've gone that route, and it made things so much worse. Someone really smart once said, "This is my space. If it needs to be a little dark and twisty right now, just like me, so be it." (Did I remember that right? I've been repeating that statement YOU made to myself every time I angst about whether to post a depressing gripe of my own.)

Have an icon of Audrey Hepburn and a deer.
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Black cat.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:28 am (UTC)
There's nothing like hearing your own quote to remind you to live how you preach, right? *Giggles.* Thank you for that reminder. Yes. This is my space, and it is allowed to be a little dark and twisty right now, like me!

One of my problems is that I definitely don't allow myself to be dark and twisty very much - so it tends to build up to a pressure, and then burst. Which means I'm not only ashamed of having to post about it, but having it happen at all.

Thank you for the adorable icon, too! ♥
therealsnapetherealsnape on February 22nd, 2011 10:28 am (UTC)
Don't apologise, my dear! We're your flist, if you're feeling awful you've every right to say it, and we'll send whatever virtual comfort we can.

But I think Kelly is quite right in suggesting you go for something more RL-based, too. I hope they'll be any good for you at the counselling center.

Lots of hugs, you're very much in my thoughts (and even if I should forget about you for a few seconds, the huge amount of crocuses I see outside my window is a lovely reminder!)

Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Roses.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:31 am (UTC)
Thank you - for the comfort and for being part of my flist and for not running away when darkness is afoot in these neck of the woods. (Now, I know Snapely ones would never run away from darkness anyway, so saying such a thing is silly...but thank you anyway.)

I have an appointment at the counselling centre tomorrow - we'll see how it turns out for me! I'll be very up front at the beginning, I think, in telling whoever-the-person-is to please look beyond the composure and competent articulation because behind it, there is a little girl crumbling to her core! Hopefully that'll help open me up past the mental wards and rose vines holding me up, too.

Lots of hugs back! And excitement over crocuses, crocuses, crocuses! ♥
Veemanaismygoddess on February 23rd, 2011 03:21 am (UTC)
Oh sweetheart I wish I could cut you a slice of my confidence cake that I'm apparently stuffing my face with lately.... I was where you are less than two weeks ago but apparently my mind has rebelled against everything and I'm in "just dont give a fuck, I'm the queen of the world" mode.

*sends you hugs and cake* if you ever need an ear im here for you, ive been there.
Kiwi Crocus: Plaits || Tangled together.cranky__crocus on February 24th, 2011 02:32 am (UTC)
Confidence cake sounds mighty fine right now! I'm glad your mind has rebelled - hopefully mine will start to soon. I think right now it's just reeling over what feels like the impossibility of the upcoming weeks/months.

You totally are Queen of the Fucking World, mate! :D

Thanks for the hugs and cake. ♥ I miss chatting with you!