Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

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Today I was reminded of what real fear feels like.

My hip (it's replaced [yes even though I'm only nearly-21] for those who don't know) has been paining me today so after returning from lecture I immediately moved to recline in bed and have remained that way for hours. The pain only caught my attention when I moved. When I prepared to stand, I gasped.

When I then tried to stand I wobbled and sat immediately, overwhelmed with the flash-fear I hadn't had in years--that my own two legs just may not hold me.

I'm hobbling around now and the movement seems fine, it doesn't click any more than in usually does and it seems to be in the right place. It can hold my weight even if I feel a bit wobbly at the memory. It just hurts, so I'll take it easy and not head to Hayley's for her birthday drinking - which is sad.

I'm spooked. The only big fears I've had for a while have been academic: what if I fail this? what if this is all wrong? what if I'm secretly stupid and my professor will realise tomorrow? what if my dissertation consumes me in my sleep?

But, goodness are they tiny next to the weight of the old Will My Legs Carry Me Today? fear. It reminded me how far away I am from the doctors I trust. I wouldn't even know what to do if something went wrong here... Here's to hoping nothing will in the next 5 months. It's too early for Fluffy II (lash_larue named my replaced hip 'Fluffy' to align with our 'humour').

I wish I could say this will put my woefully whingey academic fears in perspective and into a consequential rest for a while, but with the next draft of my dissertation due into my supervisor for Tuesday, I somehow doubt it. (What sort of masochist assigns herself a deadline for the day after V-Day, when she had intended to take herself out on a pleasant and gleefully aromantic self-date?)

Also had a group meeting with one of my class groups today. 5 strong personalities should never be in a group together.

OH ALSO - this is surprisingly related to my hip replacement since Rowe Camp & Conference Center is where I healed from it, but the Senior High Camp Staff application time has arrived! Coleen (one of the directors) has been asking me for more than a year when I'll finally join the staff; I always told her I would when it Felt Right and when I was In That Place in life. I realised this year that after a dissertation, too-weighty final exams, graduation, Saying Goodbyes and DiaCon Alley, I will be ready to work at Rowe Camp and help mentor these amazing high-school-aged kids who write novels, create albums, style clothing and do all sorts of wonderful things in their free time. I emailed Coleen for an application today. She responded "YAY!" and sent it in an attachment.

So, uh, I'm afraid, but I'm trying to march (or gingerly hobble) on in life and know that there are beautiful moments in the future all ready to greet me after these times of stress and pain.


Kiwi

Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray.
[Lord Byron]
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