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11 February 2011 @ 05:02 pm
Today I was reminded of what real fear feels like.

My hip (it's replaced [yes even though I'm only nearly-21] for those who don't know) has been paining me today so after returning from lecture I immediately moved to recline in bed and have remained that way for hours. The pain only caught my attention when I moved. When I prepared to stand, I gasped.

When I then tried to stand I wobbled and sat immediately, overwhelmed with the flash-fear I hadn't had in years--that my own two legs just may not hold me.

I'm hobbling around now and the movement seems fine, it doesn't click any more than in usually does and it seems to be in the right place. It can hold my weight even if I feel a bit wobbly at the memory. It just hurts, so I'll take it easy and not head to Hayley's for her birthday drinking - which is sad.

I'm spooked. The only big fears I've had for a while have been academic: what if I fail this? what if this is all wrong? what if I'm secretly stupid and my professor will realise tomorrow? what if my dissertation consumes me in my sleep?

But, goodness are they tiny next to the weight of the old Will My Legs Carry Me Today? fear. It reminded me how far away I am from the doctors I trust. I wouldn't even know what to do if something went wrong here... Here's to hoping nothing will in the next 5 months. It's too early for Fluffy II (lash_larue named my replaced hip 'Fluffy' to align with our 'humour').

I wish I could say this will put my woefully whingey academic fears in perspective and into a consequential rest for a while, but with the next draft of my dissertation due into my supervisor for Tuesday, I somehow doubt it. (What sort of masochist assigns herself a deadline for the day after V-Day, when she had intended to take herself out on a pleasant and gleefully aromantic self-date?)

Also had a group meeting with one of my class groups today. 5 strong personalities should never be in a group together.

OH ALSO - this is surprisingly related to my hip replacement since Rowe Camp & Conference Center is where I healed from it, but the Senior High Camp Staff application time has arrived! Coleen (one of the directors) has been asking me for more than a year when I'll finally join the staff; I always told her I would when it Felt Right and when I was In That Place in life. I realised this year that after a dissertation, too-weighty final exams, graduation, Saying Goodbyes and DiaCon Alley, I will be ready to work at Rowe Camp and help mentor these amazing high-school-aged kids who write novels, create albums, style clothing and do all sorts of wonderful things in their free time. I emailed Coleen for an application today. She responded "YAY!" and sent it in an attachment.

So, uh, I'm afraid, but I'm trying to march (or gingerly hobble) on in life and know that there are beautiful moments in the future all ready to greet me after these times of stress and pain.


Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray.
[Lord Byron]
Current Mood: scaredScared.
lash_laruelash_larue on February 11th, 2011 06:32 pm (UTC)
Wonderful news on Rowe! I have a vague idea how much that place means to you.

If Fluffy isn't a LOT better tomorrow, please have your folks get in touch with her mechanics, and maybe they should anyway. But of course your Mum sees these and likely will take care of it without me putting my oar in.

CaroRulescarorules on February 11th, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)
So sorry you're in such pain. Try and take it easy and maybe see a doctor if it doesn't get better?
therealsnapetherealsnape on February 11th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
I've googled Rowe Camp, and it sounds as if you were made for it. I can imagine the Director's delight at finally getting you on staff.

And I do hope Fluffy will behave properly - I can imagine (a little bit) how scary it must be to revisit the 'can I walk?' place. For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly courageous - you'd make a fine Head of Gryffindor, too. Not that I wish Minerva's problems on you, of course!
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Elevator eyes.cranky__crocus on February 23rd, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
Oh bless you, looking up Rowe and everything! *Giggles* - made for it, perhaps; although I think I'm probably made from it! I'm putting all my creativity into this job application - it's one of the few I get to. A few years ago my friend Arah wrote hers as a story about "Princess Sarah Ann." (She got the job.)

And thank you more than I can express for your comments on courage - but the comment on potential for Head of Gryffindor, now that is too much for my heart to handle! (I thank you for it regardless.) Remembering Minerva's cane always makes me feel better about being in my 20s with a cane. (It helped just as much when I was a teen with a cane - I just thought of Minerva and smile. :D)
Miss M.: ladybirdsmiss_morland on February 11th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)
Ow! I hope you'll feel better soon. <3
albalarkalbalark on February 12th, 2011 02:51 am (UTC)
Great news on the camp, Kiwi!! It sounds as if will be an amazing experience!

I can sympathize with you a lot on the pain - don't let it wait, though. Head in to the doctor if analgesia and a heating pad or a hot soak don't improve things.

Good luck, dearie!!
Nicki: only a messageperoxidepirate on February 13th, 2011 03:59 am (UTC)
Oh geez. I hope Fluffy and your legs continue to do their job!
Kitty Ryankitty_ryan on February 13th, 2011 05:44 am (UTC)
I wish there'd been a camp like that when I'd the major rehab work to be done--congratulations on the offer! (And, more importantly, on feeling like you can apply)

I hope Fluffy is behaving herself. I was a bit overwhelmed and unable to comment appropriately before now. I know the taste of something like this fear. *hugs*
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Heart leaf.cranky__crocus on February 23rd, 2011 10:32 pm (UTC)
*Hugs.* Thank you for this comment. ♥