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18 January 2011 @ 06:51 am
 
Sometimes I feel as though I'm just pretending, any time I think or say that I know anything about myself at all beyond the very basics, and even with those sometimes.

Does anyone else feel that way? That we can't really know anything like that, because it all feels too subjective and situational and sentimental?

Finished the all-nighter, slept six hours (don't know why I woke up) and had a really intense conversation about friendship and romance and where those two mingle. I feel raw. It's okay.

Today is the first day of term. I have lecture in two hours and fifteen minutes. I'm going to try to get another nap in. Everything just feels a bit...strange. And as though I don't actually know anything at all.

I wish someone could just flip an 'objective' switch in my head so that, for once, I could just take a look at myself objectively and see where to go from there, rather than through all my mind gook and through how friends and ex-friends must (have) seen me and all the assumptions that come from that. I wish I could stop switching between this 'high up on myself' and 'low down on myself' see-saw and get somewhere in the middle, or off the playground all-together.

I guess what I'm looking for, in the end, is to be freed from Ego. And doesn't that put me splat in the middle of a whole bunch of philosophy and religion? :P


Kiwi

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
 
 
Current Mood: weirdWeird.
 
 
 
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Black Cat.cranky__crocus on January 27th, 2011 10:07 pm (UTC)
I definitely have that skewed perception and pretend-me feel going on sometimes. What I'm wondering, too, is if there is a 'real me' that is possible for me to know - or that even if there is a 'real me,' is it possible for me to really know? Or does it change too quickly, with every thought and reaction? Or is it to ephemeral? Or too situational? Or too wrapped up in my assumptions on what others are assuming? Is it possible for me to know who I am in a real way, and not in a pretend way?

I really want to read some Sylvia Plath. I read the poem online. Wow, do I need to get my hands on a book of hers or something. Incredible. And yes, that's sort of what I feel has happened to me during my education. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so antsy during this my final year - I think whatever me was quashed to become Pretend Me (capable of getting through this) is trying to escape like a molting snake, trying to prematurely scratch off the old self before it's really time. And sometimes I wonder which of my thoughts are coming from the Pretend Self that will eventually be sloughed off, and which come from the Real Self that will be revealed - or from both, or possibly even neither. It's all so unsure.

I say absolutely, positively 'yes' to the two of us meandering to a park somewhere in-between and sharing a bench for a while. The other day I was thinking about how I used to spend time on benches, and how in this phase of life I have not - hardly ever. I thought about how much I wanted to fix that. When you then mentioned sitting on a bench together, it fit perfectly!