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18 January 2011 @ 06:51 am
 
Sometimes I feel as though I'm just pretending, any time I think or say that I know anything about myself at all beyond the very basics, and even with those sometimes.

Does anyone else feel that way? That we can't really know anything like that, because it all feels too subjective and situational and sentimental?

Finished the all-nighter, slept six hours (don't know why I woke up) and had a really intense conversation about friendship and romance and where those two mingle. I feel raw. It's okay.

Today is the first day of term. I have lecture in two hours and fifteen minutes. I'm going to try to get another nap in. Everything just feels a bit...strange. And as though I don't actually know anything at all.

I wish someone could just flip an 'objective' switch in my head so that, for once, I could just take a look at myself objectively and see where to go from there, rather than through all my mind gook and through how friends and ex-friends must (have) seen me and all the assumptions that come from that. I wish I could stop switching between this 'high up on myself' and 'low down on myself' see-saw and get somewhere in the middle, or off the playground all-together.

I guess what I'm looking for, in the end, is to be freed from Ego. And doesn't that put me splat in the middle of a whole bunch of philosophy and religion? :P


Kiwi

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
 
 
Current Mood: weirdWeird.
 
 
 
ubiquitousmixieubiquitousmixie on January 18th, 2011 07:44 am (UTC)
i certainly know how you feel, honey (assuming i've read this all correctly). that's been sort of my main focus lately - trying to figure out where *i* begin and where the *pretend-me* ends. it feels a bit sometimes like i have skewed my perception of myself to tie into what i assume everyone else must think of me, and what i assume i am supposed to be like...so the real *me* is just buried deep down and waiting for her chance to emerge.

you know what it's like? my favorite poem by sylvia plath is called "in plaster" - i don't know if i've recommended that to you or not - but that's exactly how i feel. i really think you should read it.

i like your metaphorical use of the term playground - i've likened my life to being a carnival. what say you to the two of us meandering to a park somewhere in between and sharing a bench for a while?
music_is_breath: dancermusic_is_breath on January 18th, 2011 04:08 pm (UTC)
Oh you got a beautiful 'Black Swan' icon and I'm jealous! :)
Gonna see this movie next week and soo looking forward to it...
ubiquitousmixieubiquitousmixie on January 18th, 2011 05:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Feel free to snag it if you like! The movie is amazing; I've seen it 5 times. Enjoy it!
music_is_breath: ballet_Black Swanmusic_is_breath on January 22nd, 2011 12:01 am (UTC)
wow... I wish I had the time or the money to watch it that often! :) Well thank you! :)
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Black Cat.cranky__crocus on January 27th, 2011 10:07 pm (UTC)
I definitely have that skewed perception and pretend-me feel going on sometimes. What I'm wondering, too, is if there is a 'real me' that is possible for me to know - or that even if there is a 'real me,' is it possible for me to really know? Or does it change too quickly, with every thought and reaction? Or is it to ephemeral? Or too situational? Or too wrapped up in my assumptions on what others are assuming? Is it possible for me to know who I am in a real way, and not in a pretend way?

I really want to read some Sylvia Plath. I read the poem online. Wow, do I need to get my hands on a book of hers or something. Incredible. And yes, that's sort of what I feel has happened to me during my education. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so antsy during this my final year - I think whatever me was quashed to become Pretend Me (capable of getting through this) is trying to escape like a molting snake, trying to prematurely scratch off the old self before it's really time. And sometimes I wonder which of my thoughts are coming from the Pretend Self that will eventually be sloughed off, and which come from the Real Self that will be revealed - or from both, or possibly even neither. It's all so unsure.

I say absolutely, positively 'yes' to the two of us meandering to a park somewhere in-between and sharing a bench for a while. The other day I was thinking about how I used to spend time on benches, and how in this phase of life I have not - hardly ever. I thought about how much I wanted to fix that. When you then mentioned sitting on a bench together, it fit perfectly!
lash_laruelash_larue on January 18th, 2011 10:04 am (UTC)
I hope you don't find it discouraging when I tell you that I still feel that way. It would be really nice not to have our perception of ourselves influenced by other people. I think that's where hermits came from.

I recently ran head-on into other peoples expectations of what I can do. The odd part is that when someone decides you can do something and you can't/don't, it's your fault, and I don't get that at all.

And I don't think we ever stop becoming who we are.

So yeah, somebody else feels like that. * hugs *
L
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Eye See.cranky__crocus on January 27th, 2011 10:17 pm (UTC)
I don't at all find it discouraging that you still feel this way; it makes me feel a bit less pressure to work through it. I'm okay with my perception of myself being influenced by other people, because it's an exercise in trying to watch my brain, catch that cycle and still it; often times I can and I'm free from it. What I'm wondering, though, is if there is a sense of 'self' one can have beyond that - beyond 'this person probably thinks this' or 'this person told me he thinks that'. I have to wonder if there's one way to objectively know ones self, or if it's a delicate balancing act of trust: trusting others to be honest and free from their own bias; trust in yourself to see your skills and flaws accurately.

It seems, often enough, not. That we just pretend to know our selves and work from there with whatever self-checks and personal growth moments we can manage.

I do find it particularly annoying that when someone decides I can do something and I can't/don't feel I can, it is my fault - that is incredibly annoying!

I certainly don't ever hope to stop 'becoming' who I am. I suppose that's another variable in this idea of a 'real self' when I think on it: can we know a 'real self' if the whole idea is that we are supposed to be perpetually learning and changing and growing? Would it be sort of like a teacher's assessment? 'Solid on these subjects; could do with improvement in these.'

*Hugs back.* Glad I'm not alone in my wondering and self-wanderings. Thankfully this isn't something I'm actively trying to 'figure out;' I'm just passively wondering about it from time to time. (:

My brain is a strange place to be. Have you ever noticed that? I seldom meet anyone whose brain works like mine... I'm always so thankful when I find those people!
lash_laruelash_larue on January 27th, 2011 11:25 pm (UTC)
My brain is a strange place to be. Have you ever noticed that?

Oh yes. I sometimes spend hours wandering around in my brain. I am a constant source of wonder to me.

I think I know myself pretty well now, I can still surprise me though, and I'm glad of that.

And no, we never finish becoming. At least I hope not, now that would be Hell.
L
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Sunglasses - Too Hot.cranky__crocus on January 27th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC)
I have definitely had panic attacks over things like that! *Hugs.* I think I'm generally pretty grounded and centred in who I am and who I want to grow into being exclusive from what others want/expect of me, so usually I feel pretty fine about it. Sometimes I just wonder.
♔chocorolispacepixies on January 18th, 2011 03:13 pm (UTC)
yeahhh i think i do know what you mean. and then you're confused because you thought you were being you all alongbut apparently not? or so you think....

enjoy your time before school starts ♥
music_is_breath: bookmusic_is_breath on January 18th, 2011 04:04 pm (UTC)
So I hope the 'getting-in-a-nap'-thing worked out for you! I'm right at the end of the semester and could use some more of these too!

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about and I think you're DEEP into philosophy here. (Will start studying it next semester, so maybe one day I can give you a more informed answer on this one ;) ) It's a relief that others feel the same way about this, but it's kinda scaring me at the same time that probably the rollercoaster ride of 'got-things-figured-out' and 'know-nothing-at-all-about-myself' is stuck with me for life.
Hopefully thought it will balance itself out with time...

I mean, it should be the positive thing about getting older, shouldn't it?
Good luck with starting this term! :)
Kiwi Crocus: Women || Plait.cranky__crocus on January 27th, 2011 10:21 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, I'm totally deep into philosophy with all of this. :B I don't think the rollercoasterness necessarily will be stuck with you for life, or that if it is, we learn to recognise it more - taking a step back and realising 'oh, this is what my brain is doing right now, this is where it's headed. Let me ground myself.' I think it will all balance itself out with time. We're always growing and learning and changing. (: We need to give ourselves room for that, I guess, and not deny it; perhaps that's the reasoning behind feeling that we can't really know ourselves - it's so that there's room for change.
music_is_breath: Pocahontas_windmusic_is_breath on January 28th, 2011 10:33 am (UTC)
So you're saying there's hope? :)
I like that, I like hope!

And of course in the good times of the rollercoasterness I tend to think that life would be that much boring without it, it's only in the down-loops when it bothers me.

But yeah, room for change... haven't looked at it that way. Like the perspective though... thank you! :D