Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

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It's after 2am, which is sort of my midnight, which means it is a new day. My eyelids seem to agree in the whole wanting-to-sleep thing, and my pug's snores tell me he agrees with my eyelids. (I made him a little bed next to my computer and put a blanket over his shoulders so we'd be comforted to know we have each other; he makes working easier.)

I wrote a journal entry and wasn't linear (which was freeing, honestly!) and wrote 'fuck' a lot, which generally isn't like me, but was yesterday and it doesn't do me any good denying it. It's a very useful and expressive word; if words had Darwinian fitness coefficients, 'fuck' would be an incredibly fit word! It adapts so well. (Hello, rambly 2am brain.)

I made my piles neater and organised things a little bit so my room looks less terrible and my pug has proper room to snore in. The act made me realise how excited I am to get Stateside again permanently and put up these decorations, like the Desiderata poem, the fuzzy colour-it-yourself rainbow unicorn poster I did as a child and the Raggedy Ann posters my near-aunt gave me (the first with one Raggedy Ann doll straddling another with their noses pressed together and both looking rather innocent, the second with one Raggedy Ann doll, erm...under the other one's skirt).

I read through one source that seemed very relevant to my paper and wrote up my notes so I now have 1,000/3,000 not-great-but-existing words for my paper. Was going to beat myself up over them being from the same source, but realised if it's a good source it's fine since a lot of it is introduction and definitions and the lot, which means I'll find the same information in many of the other papers I read so I can reference them too. Woot, science. I have not yet eaten my S'more ice-cream (I KNOW RIGHT?!) dessert; I'll save that for tomorrow.

Those are all my I-accomplished statements for today. It's snowing, so I get to watch some more New England snow before I head back to Reading; I appreciate this. I was reminded that when I exhale through my nose with my nose pressed against the chilly window, I leave heart-shaped condensation behind. It made me smile. I also enjoyed watching the snow 'appear' and 'disappear' as I turned the front-door light on and off. And I remembered staring out at the neighbour's window lights through the snow and having this pervading sense of joy bubble up inside me, so I did it and it came back.

Walking into my brother's room now that he's gone again was strange. But then, so was walking into mine and being overwhelmed with the memory (and the feeling that initially inspired my actions as a child) of hurrying to my library, plucking up a book, ignoring my bed and curling up in 'My Corner' of cushions and stuffed animals to read. Inevitably I fell asleep smiling at the ceiling and day-dreaming of faeries or riding unicorns. It was a lovely feeling.

There we go. All the various thoughts and feelings in my brain right now. I'll be alright as long as I know that they're still inside of me, even when I have to dig a little deeper by taking more deep breathes and remembering to relax. Off to finish watching Logo's "Gay Siblings" documentary as my immediate reward. And a Trader Joe's peanut butter cup, because I've been a good strong girl and I'm proud of myself.

What are all of you proud of yourselves for, today? What did you overcome, or get through better than you thought you would? Or what did you accomplish? What should you be rewarding yourself for? What would you want a mentor to compliment you on about how you lived your life today?


You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
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