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24 December 2010 @ 02:04 am
 
You know you're a little bit scarred when every time you see a message from a friend, you think (s)he's sent a message telling you you're a fucked up manipulative bitch who only cares for herself and doesn't know who she is so thus clings to a self-created identity.

So yes, unfortunately, most of the times I see a new message or comment from any of you I expect something like that and I gasp and my stomach turns.

But then I'm greeted by whatever beautiful, glorious, compassionate message you've sent me instead.

I don't think I would be as grateful or appreciative if I didn't have the reminder of what the message could have been, though--and I am so happy to be filled with this gratitude and love every time I read a message. I'm humbled to know it reminds me to express my love and appreciation often; I would much rather have someone get sick of my telling them how loved and amazing they are rather than start wilting for lack of it.

After all, nothing taught me to appreciate walking like spending time without trust in my own two legs.

There's nothing I could dream of to be a better gift for Solstice and Christmas than knowing I have oceans of love from my friends all over. I can't help but be endlessly grateful. The darknesses are growing harder to dwell on, yet they are still just as effective at enhancing the light by comparison.

Thank you!

♥ Kiwi

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
 
 
Current Mood: gratefulGrateful.
 
 
 
heartsways: Greys Mark Seriouslyheartsways on December 24th, 2010 08:55 am (UTC)
Honestly, some people. Who the hell would do that to you? Wait - don't answer that. It's a sign of *their* pain and I suppose we have to feel sorry for people who take it out on others; it's an indication that they're lost and don't know quite how to handle their hurt. But...having said that, it could also be a sign that they're a massive bitch, heh.

Hope you have a decent Christmas, wherever you are, and that you get home soon!
Kentthe__empress on January 1st, 2011 09:38 am (UTC)
Hi there. I am the "massive bitch" who sent Kiwi that message. And maybe you should consider that this bitch had good reason to send such a message. I was Kiwi's best friend for a few years. A few years in which she was manipulative, self-centered, and condescending to me to the point where I was "lost." I lost my own identity and ability to see myself as a person worthy of love and and true friendship.

Oh, Kiwi. You know, I tried so damn hard to cut you out of my life. I deleted you from LJ and Twitter and hid you on my Facebook news feed. I changed all my online screen names to things that didn't have that stupid nickname, "Snoopy," in them. But hey, it's a new year. I thought maybe I would creep on your LJ a little bit and see if maybe you had finally changed. But it's clear that you have not.

To the commenter I don't know: around the last year and a half of our friendship, I sent Kiwi messages like that a few times. And everything I said in those messages was true. True to the point that Kiwi AGREED with every thing I said, apologized again and again, and said she would change. Said she would be a better friend to me. Every. Fucking. Time. Until I got sick of it. I realized that I didn't have to take this bullshit anymore from my "best friend." I realized that guess what, I'm my own person. I don't have to listen to this girl tell me (always subtly, of course) that I'm not good enough. And I don't have to continue a "friendship" with someone just because she's been my friend for so long and just because I feel guilty. So I stopped talking to her. And trust me, I am way better off.

You're "scarred," Kiwi? You're gonna talk about this shit like it wasn't the damn truth and you didn't deserve it? Fuck you. Fuck you, because I'm the one who's scarred. I'm the one who still hasn't completely built her fucking ego back up (although you seem to have enough ego to go around) to the point where she sees herself as a person who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. And guess what, I'm not too fucking conceited and scared to admit that.

You treated me like shit and you still have not changed. And I am eternally grateful that I got myself out of that fucked up joke of a friendship and HAVE changed for the better.
Kiwi Crocus: Nature || Into the Woods.cranky__crocus on January 1st, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
You're not the only one who has given me that message, but I'm glad you decided this steam-session was all about you. I did not make this personalised or bring anything private into a public domain, just one ambiguous sentence about events my flist wouldn't specifically know or, in a few select cases, already know affects me occasionally and in the way I described. I do understand you felt the need to defend yourself or anyone who would be in that role of calling me out on my shit, but I don't particularly appreciate your pulling an unrelated friend deeper and more specifically into something that was previously vague and unspecified.

You're not the only one who felt "lost" through our friendship and felt her identity and ability to see herself as a person worthy of love and true friendship diminish: it was a two-way street. And I'm so glad that you can decide from one post I made while in a pained state of mind that I have not changed--I'm glad you can be so objective based on one tidbit in my life.

I've been cutting you from my life too and can't particularly see the changes you attest to either, but they wouldn't show up with me anyway and I don't have the unbiased gaze to see them, so I'll trust they're there; I didn't feel able to change around you or have any changes witnessed either. We both have had changing to do. We are immeasurably better off without each other.

Oh, and clearly TWO PEOPLE can't be scarred from the same events, right? Only one person is allowed to garner any sort of pain from something--only one victim? Fuck you too. But since I have so much ego, I guess this conversation and the consequences of our 'friendship' don't affect me at all. I don't see myself as a person who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect either--but you wouldn't believe that I think that anyway, so I guess it's pointless to say.

You often treated me like shit too and I'm not seeing the changes in you either; I will again trust they're there and be happy for you, even if you think it's inauthentic. I am entirely grateful to be out of our 'friendship' too; I feel I know what real friendship is now. And even if you think it's a joke, or an ego-trip, or manipulation, or 'saving face' or trying to 'look good', I am authentically happier that you're in a better place and are a better person without me. I may not like you anymore either, and yes, may be scarred (though it's fine you disagree), but I want you to be happy and comfortable and feel you're deserving of love, respect and true friendship. Mine wasn't.

I wasn't a good friend. We weren't good friends. We're cut and better off without each other. If you feel the need to respond to this message I will understand, but I can't imagine that either of us discussing this further will offer further closure. If you feel you'll get anything further from communicating over this matter, you are welcome to do for as long as it feels beneficial for you and I will respond as frequently I can, but I warn that after a time I may feel less inclined to respond.
Kentthe__empress on January 1st, 2011 10:21 pm (UTC)
1. I treated you like shit? Are you fucking kidding me? I let you walk all over me and a few select times tried to tell you how badly you were treating me and work things out. You never once told me that I wasn't being a good friend to you. And if you're counting those messages as treating you like shit, then you deserved it.

2. Still condescending, I see.

3. Your accent is fake. Everyone I know who has ever met you or been friends with you thinks it's fake. Including my mother of all people. Just throwing that out there.