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21 December 2010 @ 10:20 pm
It's Solstice. Yule. My holiday of choice.

I'm still stuck in my English house like a prisoner--or indeed in any of Reading, really, if I felt any desire to get out of the house 'for my own good'; I have none. But any Rapunzel will know that a prison is a prison, no matter how many cushions it has: I'm grateful that mine has a roof and heat and the opportunity for food, but I'm still stuck and it still feels lousy.

It's looking like there might not be an opportunity to get home until the 27th. I'm sure you all have seen my posts about my love of winter and excitement to get home, even one of my recent ones about my excitement for attending both Christmas Eve services despite that it isn't even 'my holiday'.

The thought of missing it means that I am presently living in my own personal little hell. Even before break I spent time lamenting how little time I felt I would get at home; to see it dwindling now cuts deeply. To miss Christmas, which to me is not about the day but the events and family... Hello, personal hell.

I love my brother dearly, but he is not the best help in situations like these. At least when he does bratty things like take up the entire floor and every surface I am marginally distracted by scolding him. We tend to speak most when he is preparing for sleep and I am preparing for an evening of vigilance; I feel most comfortable staying awake in evenings and not acknowledging the passing of days, as if this was all one long night before at last travelling home (appropriate for Solstice indeed)--symptom of depression. I'm not allowing myself to sense the passing of days and so unless I am reminded, I don't know how many days have passed.

What's worse is I know I should be using this down time to work on my dissertation or two papers due after break, so I don't have to spend additional time working on them when I'm finally with friends. I simply don't have it in me. The thought of nearly anything brings tears.

I wish England would learn to deal with snow. I just want to be home for Christmas, what I've been looking forward to for months (I've been playing holiday music since October). I'm trying to stay tough. This is just an incredibly hard time for me.

♥ Kiwi

You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart.
Current Mood: depressedDepressed.
lash_laruelash_larue on December 21st, 2010 10:48 pm (UTC)
I am surprised the snow is causing such trouble there. I have a horrid blind spot when it comes to Geography though.

It must indeed seem absurd to a Masshole to be bothered by a few flakes.

I'm not even going to try and kid you out of it, as I'm quite sure you aren't in the mood for that. But I would encourage you to get out of the house some, take the dweeb out and rub his face in the snow or something. Build an explicit snow woman and see if anyone notices.

I really got nothing here, but I send you love, and hope the situation clears up soon.

Nicki: no fearperoxidepirate on December 21st, 2010 11:06 pm (UTC)
Kiwi, that sucks. I'm sending you virtual hugs and all the positive thoughts I can.
Miss M.miss_morland on December 21st, 2010 11:27 pm (UTC)
I am sure I have nothing to say that will make you feel better, but I'm sending you lots of warm thoughts. *hugs*
Rachel: willow xander yellow crayonilovecsr on December 21st, 2010 11:29 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry :( I wish England would learn how to deal with snow too; it even seems absurd to me, and, y'know, Southern, so I can't begin to understand how stupid it must seem to you. I know so many people who were really looking forward to getting home to America who are stuck here, and while I don't know exactly how this situation feels, I do know that England is only fun when you feel like you want to be here (anywhere is, I guess) and feeling stuck here sucks beyond belief. I really hope you get lucky and make it home sooner than it's looking to be right now, but until then, my best advice is to try and trick your brain that you'd rather be here; try and find something fun to do, even if it's only shoving your brother's face in the snow.

I hope you get home soon!
Gloryforestofglory on December 21st, 2010 11:37 pm (UTC)
*hugs and tea* It makes me sad that so many people I know are having trouble getting to see their loved ones for Christmas
Feather Quill: Unconditionallovefeatherxquill on December 22nd, 2010 01:30 am (UTC)
*hugs tight*
kellychambliss: MaidenlyLibrarykellychambliss on December 22nd, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
Oh, what a disappointment, sweetie. I'd cheer you up if I could, but at times like these, you just have to go ahead and feel bad for a while. But there are bound to be some nice things about Christmas in Reading, so for your own sake, I hope you can enjoy yourself a bit. My advice is to let yourself off the hook about writing/revising. You'd have been taking this time off anyway, so you might as well continue to take a break. Don't beat yourself up! It will all get done. Trust me. I'm a veteran academic and lifelong procrastinator who has faced more major deadlines than you've had years on the planet. I repeat: somehow or another, it all gets done. Your taking a few days off at the holidays is not going to interfere with that. So kick back and relax.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on January 10th, 2011 12:02 am (UTC)
Thank you for this. It's helpful to go back and read. (:
President Airlock: spoonqueen_of_snapes on December 22nd, 2010 10:15 am (UTC)
I can't send you enough virtual hugs, my dear Kiwi! I feel for you and I'm sorry you're stuck here :(
therealsnapetherealsnape on December 22nd, 2010 10:50 am (UTC)
Poor you! What a lousy thing to happen. Kelly is right, however, take a few days off writing. Enjoy internet reading. Get yourself something lovely you really want.

If you're really stuck in over Christmas, we can have a chat on Boxing Day if you'd like that. Nothing like going home, of course, and I quite understand that Snape saying 'let's chat,' is enough to give people screaming nightmares, but I'm here if you feel like virtual company.