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08 November 2010 @ 01:10 am
My weekend:

* Friday = lectures, Barbara kindly stopping in with Pip and I during our lunch at Mojo's, two compliments on my hair by pretty girls. Home to work on presentation. Bonfire Night fireworks in the garden - great laugh. We maaaaay have illegally set an epic firework off in the park...maybe. And if we did, it was probably fantastically beautiful.

* Saturday = working on presentation. All day. Occasional under-30-minute breaks. Passed out before 4 a.m., before Mark even returned.

* Sunday = presentation until 6 p.m. Then celebratory chocolate I had been saving! Mmmm. Chinese with the housemates. Harry and Sarah. Dissertation sources.


* Presentation: I am nervous. I am always nervous until I step up and start speaking. Mind, why can't you remember this? Ditch the fogs of temporary amnesia, please! I want the stomach butterflies gone! I also have ridiculous pictures in mine. I am fine with this.

* Harry and Sarah: Apparently Harry had to return to church in the evening, so our hypothesis is that they just stayed here for hours to avoid walking to his house. Sarah also ASKED Batgirl if they could bake brownies in our kitchen, and Batgirl responded she'd prefer not. Sarah's response was something like 'well you don't have to eat any brownies'. Sarah, that is not how it works, because YOU DON'T LIVE HERE. Batgirl told them they didn't have any eggs. I had no proof of this, since they saw my egs. alsdkwjflaksdjf poot. The whole house is fed up with them and we have avoided meetings the fast few times. Sarah can tell they are unwelcome. Harry is oblivious. However, he believes he is being Properly Christian by being here, so he will keep coming even if we express that we prefer he didn't because he is Keeping a Christian Presence in the House. Regardless, the whole thing feels invasive and we hate it and we are discussing what to do.

* Dissertation: alsjkdflkajsdf [[swears ahead]] FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT DAMN AAAAAAGHHHH POPPY'S PANTS WHAT THE FRAK AM I DOING WRITING A DISSERTATION? |Cools down.| I have not been incredibly successful with my search for sources, I feel incredibly little taking on a big project, I am overwhelmed and feel hopeless. My meeting is Tuesday. I have little to put on the table. I feel like a complete and utter fuckup.

* My mouth: I have begun swearing like a sailor at times. This has previously never happened, at least not at this level. I feel there is a correlation between this and the fact that I am dying of the disease called 'dissertation'.

* Fanfic: minerva_fest reveals are up. I can now express that I am ridiculously ashamed of my story, for I did not fit the proper prompt and could not think of a sex-situation that would not de-stone-butchetise dear Wilhelmina. I am a failure. I am not at all inventive. I want to smash my head on the keyboard and wall. I should have left the sodding prompt to kellychambliss, for she would have worked wonders with it.

However, one person did think I was capable of producing something Kelly had written, and thus my grief was slackened for a moment and nearly turned to glee. Then I remembered deadlines and it shrivelled again.

Rarepairs fest is up again, which I think means I have been back in Harry Potter fandom (publicly) for a year. Has it only been a year? I'm shocked.

Finally, I did realise my best pieces created were my first two, and it is not my Writer's Insecurity talking, it is understanding of the perfect prompts I had. Maybe someday I'll get a prompt that inspires me that much again. Perhaps not. Hopefully I won't botch any more prompts. (If I fail one aspect, I feel I've failed in general; unfortunately nothing changes this point of view.)

That's my weekend done. Maybe next week I won't feel like a terrible student! What a thought.
kellychamblisskellychambliss on November 8th, 2010 03:42 am (UTC)
Now, now *pets you; offers Nutella*

Remember a couple of months ago, when I posted this wail of writing woe? I felt the same way you do, except that I was more melodramatic about it.

But I'm happy to report that the fit passed; I was able to pull myself together enough to write for the Minerva Fest, if not my best fic, then one that was certainly good enough.

And yours was more than good enough. You are not a failure. You are inventive. (The defense enters into evidence Exhibit I, the "Unicorn Horn Delight" ice cream sundae.) You haven't "botched" anything.

I can almost guarantee that you'll feel better about your writing soon. We'll all face our maddening deadlines together.
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || In My Hands.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the pets and Nutella. They are always effective on this end!

*Laughs* I do remember your wail of writing woe and am incredibly glad it passed.

Thank you for your support during my time of writing crisis. Oh, deadlines. How close are you to Festive Break?
Kellyddagent on November 8th, 2010 09:15 am (UTC)

Take a deep breathe about your dissertation, it will come and you will be awesome. : ) I have every faith in you.

As for Harry and Sarah, like I said in another comment, just change the locks. They aren't welcome there, if they wanted to come over and cook they shouldn't have moved out. It would be like me going over to Grosvenor House to use their kitchen, except there is entirely new people living there now. : )
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Robbins || Just not on.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
*Big big hugs back.*

Alas my dissertation has every chance of not being awesome, but someday it will be done, which will be a great improvement.

Harry & Sarah seem to be getting the hint a little more, although not fully. Silly peeps.
Feather Quill: Quill/writingfeatherxquill on November 8th, 2010 09:17 am (UTC)
Stopit you are not a failure. Your Minerva Fest piece was brilliant! Personally, I loved that that you wrote imperfect sex - it definitely seemed to come from a place of character, which IMO is far more important that zomg writing the hawt pr0nz. It was a wonderful perspective, and I think the piece was better for you listening to your characters rather than pushing them somewhere else. How would the story have continued if you'd written completely reciprocated sex? Completely differently, yes? So it wouldn't even be the same story. They gave you a way to write it, and you listened. That is awesome :D

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Kiwi Crocus: HP || McMin || Elevator Eyes.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:19 pm (UTC)
*Still feels like a failure.* *Hopefully won't soon, or something.*

Thank you. My mind is all torn up. I wanted Willa to be stone butch, but I don't think Min would actually be with a fully stone-butch woman..but I don't know if that's just based on some prejudice I didn't know I had, or something. Well...let's just say I tend to think that Min would very much appreciate the slang term for her Animagus form.

It was more that it ENDED in completely reciprocated sex, with Willa on at least partial receiving-end, that confuses my brain with what I wanted the story to be. I guess I've just never felt so conflicted over a story before. Was it right for me to have Willa ditch her stone-butch status for the ending? I don't knoooow.

Thank you, though. You do inspire some confidence. (:
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || In My Hands.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:27 pm (UTC)
*Laughs.* Strict is fine, I promise. My favourite teachers throughout my history were strict. (:

I'm generally okay with the characters driving the story. And, with all but the ending, I was perfectly happy. I just feel...conflicted about having Willa drop her stone-butchness for the ending, yet couldn't see Min ever remaining in a relationship in which she couldn't 'properly' (as she might consider it) pleasure a woman...and I don't know if that's just some prejudice I didn't know I had coming through.

The Wil I wrote was perfectly butch in her own way (as everyone is, for there is no one definition of 'butch'); the one thing that I changed from beginning to end was her being stone butch, which I never intended to do...yet I did. I suppose as I was writing I was picturing it as the ultimate gift she could give to Minerva, and that idea makes me uncomfortable, somehow. I don't know. I suppose I've never had a fic mess around with my mind so much.

I do like the idea of celebrating mediocrity for excellence being overrated. I've thought that a few times during my walk to campus now. Thank you for that tidbit! I'm glad you have your encouraging partner. (: I have my teddy bear; she's pretty helpful in that I get to snuggle her and tell her all my concerns, and she looks up at me with such patience and assurance!
therealsnape: Applauds Fanfictherealsnape on November 8th, 2010 10:56 am (UTC)
Tetley and Kelly speak words of wisdom, as always. Your fest story was thoroughly enjoyable. You had a deliciously butch Willa doing the courting, and a wonderfully inventive Minerva making sure the Wilster kept running into her.

The ice cream scene was a delight. And the story was just so. Different scenes would have made a whole different story (Feather is right, too).

Now, we all have our fits of wailing insecurity, so by all means, feel free to whinge. Just don't reach the point where you actually stop writing your excellent fics, or you'll find your house infested with Owls carrying Howlers from all of us.

We look forward to your next one. Yay to the first year of your Return to Fandom - just stay, will you?
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Lifted eye.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I also grinned at 'Wilster'. I like the majority of the fic. Just the ending nabs at me. I feel bad for taking the 'stone' out of Willa's butchness. It worries me. I feel very conflicted about the whole thing.

'Just so'. Thank you, I appreciate that. (:

You wouldn't all actually send me Howlers, would you? *Hides behind her festivus tree.*

Oh, goodness no, please don't look forward to my next one! But thank you for the sentiments. (: I will certainly be staying...as if I could escape! ;D
gerristgerrist on November 8th, 2010 02:00 pm (UTC)
Your friends are very kind.

The problem here is egg related.

And that is 100% your fault.

If you hadn't had the eggs, then H&S wouldn't have been able to stay and make the brownies;

Then you wouldn't have been as stressed when writing your fest piece;

You wouldn't have added stress to the rest of your life;

and EVERYTHING would NOT be falling apart.

Clearly, you are an Egg Head.

Hope the presentation today went well. XO Mom
gerristgerrist on November 8th, 2010 02:01 pm (UTC)
It snowed this morning. First snow.

Very slushy, really, made getting the garbage out a pain. But there is still that magical whiteness of it.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 9th, 2010 04:55 pm (UTC)
I am testing things. :P

☺☻♥♦♣♠•◘○◙♂♀♪♫☼►◄↕‼¶§▬↨↑↓→←∟↔▲▼ !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?@ABCD
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 9th, 2010 04:57 pm (UTC)
This is incredibly nifty. ♀♀

lash_larue: Nolash_larue on November 9th, 2010 05:25 pm (UTC)
Dear Harry,

It is good of you to be concerned about 'maintaining a Christian presence' in a house where you no longer live.

However -

Perhaps a better way to do that would be to behave in a manner that would inspire admiration and emulation rather than behaving like an insurance salesman. Lead by example, as it were. While I'm on the subject, are you and Sarah perhaps bending a rule or two? I merely ask, but it would be sort of tacky to just pick the rules you like, especially if you only try and impose them on others.

And you might give further consideration to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." That one is my personal favorite, really, that one alone would take care of everything, but people just can't get the hang of it.

Dad thought that one was simple.

Finally, since you don't excel at reading between the lines, stop being a pain in the ass. Your beliefs don't give you carte blanche to impose them on others. You've made your point, now move on, got it? You're starting to give the group a bad name.

I tell you these things out of love.

Your friend,
Kiwi Crocus: Xena || Lulz.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC)
Lash, you are a genius. I've missed you 'round here! Sorry it took me so long to thank you for this! Silly life getting all in the way.

This made me laugh endlessly. I'm sure my housemates would appreciate t. (:
Leilevelcro_panda on November 12th, 2010 07:08 am (UTC)
The person who commented above me, is something of a genius. I love that comment.

As for Harry & Sarah, I say start making them feel uncomfortable. Like, walk around being super duper gay & hope that it makes them decide to take their annoying baking & beliefs elsewhere lol.

Best of luck on the dissertation! You've got this, just remember to breathe. ♥
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || In My Hands.cranky__crocus on December 2nd, 2010 11:35 pm (UTC)
Lash is certainly a genius. :D

We do tend to make Harry & Sarah feel uncomfortable. Sarah seems to have picked up on the vibes, but Harry tends to be oblivious to such things--and I don't know if he would believe it even if she pointed it out to him.

Thank you! I will try to remember to breathe. (:
Leilevelcro_panda on December 3rd, 2010 05:27 am (UTC)

Maybe you should just stick a big sign up or a million little post-its everywhere saying "Do not touch under penalty of payment" and then demand food. Or skittles. Skittles sound good.

♥ catch up with me sometime. I'd love to hear the details of the dissertation.
Kiwi Crocus: Quote || Going to Hogwarts.cranky__crocus on December 3rd, 2010 08:44 am (UTC)
I would love to catch up with you again! I feel like I've spoken with you on some sort of IM, but I can't recall if that's true/which one (my mind is all fuzzy with everything :X). Which ones do you use?

Although I don't know if you'll really want to hear the details of my dissertation! It's boring. But it doesn't leave my head, and I don't approooooove.
Leilevelcro_panda on December 4th, 2010 07:02 am (UTC)
:D I'm usually on skype but I'm in the middle of finals week so I haven't been frequenting it as much as I usually do. After next week I'll be readily available to have fantastic biology discussions with you. Shoot me a post on FB sometime then and I'll hop online!

I definitely want to hear details. I need to nerd out with someone over biology.
Kiwi Crocus: Random || #%^*!cranky__crocus on December 7th, 2010 11:04 pm (UTC)
Ewww finals week. These two weeks, for us, are the crack-down weeks because next week is the last week of term and thus everything is due. Mainly on the last day. I have two presentations, a leaflet, a science sheet, a handout and a 3000 word paper due on the 17th. ASLKDFJLASJDF FRAAAAK.

I'm afraid I don't think there's much to nerd out over biology with when it comes to my dissertation (it's mainly philosophy of science/framework of science) but I will gladly nerd out over biology anyway. :D