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14 September 2010 @ 08:03 pm
I am trying so hard to be okay.

I have 'run away' to Northampton - the only sort of 'running away' I would do: moderated and safely, with everyone knowing where I am, but still gone. Today I have spent all day sitting in two cafes with my computer. I don't feel able to do anything.

I feel the panic working to escape, seep out and siege my composure, take hold of my breathing and sense of self. Fog my brain. I am putting all my effort into keeping my breath normal. In, hold, out. In, hold, out.

Working so hard to keep it back - let it out without letting it touch me and take hold. The fact that I can feel it before it takes over me points to my progress, but also proves that I am not out of the woods yet. Now I can feel the monster as it approaches, but I am having the darndest time holding it back, holding myself steady. I can feel my body shaking as I reach to brush the tears.

I am exhausted. I am frightened. I don't want to go through this again. I feel ill-prepared.

I should go home. I will go home, soon. I have physical therapy Thursday at 5. I'll go. As I said, running away within confines...

I'm alive. A lost girl, but alive.
heartsways: Greys Teddy Arizona elevatorheartsways on September 15th, 2010 06:16 am (UTC)
You know, sometimes just letting the panic out instead of repressing it can help. Run around, scream, try to get it out of your system somehow. But bottling it up is no good, lady. That just leads to lots of frowning and worrying.

I hope you feel better soon.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 06:21 am (UTC)
I've been doing let-out-the-panic activities, there is just a lot of it! Even in the moments when I'm just sitting, trying to ease my mind, it jumps out of the shadows. I'm trying to let out what arises but also watch my mind and see where I can guide it away from thoughts leading to panic, otherwise I'll have a constant stream to replace the panic I let out! Tricky business. Working through it, one conversation and coping method at a time.

(Although I've always found frown-lines particularly sexy.)

Thank you. I hope I feel better soon - and you, too!
heartsways: Greys Big Hugsheartsways on September 15th, 2010 06:27 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's horrid when it creeps up on you like that. But you'll be okay; you know? I know you will. Besides, you have me to look forward to....er...kinda look forward.

Hm. You know what I mean.