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13 September 2010 @ 02:50 am
It's 2.30 am and I'm in Northampton MA at Cathy's house. At some point I'll probably update with what I'm up to, but for now I'm updating with what has been on my mind for a while. There may be some TMI here, but not in any visual sense (I hope), but as a personal journal with information that I wouldn't tell a stranger while keeping in mind that I would tell a stranger a lot.

My HPSCC story went up a while ago. It had a sex scene. It killed me to write, and most of the fic was born out of my mind avoiding that final scene. The fic did not need to be 4,000 words; I even told my mother I couldn't get the characters to really get together that way. Once I was at 4k words, I didn't want to cut them anyway, just because I love those day-in-the-life conversational moments; I think at this point that is what my fic is known for.

It will become further evident with my next fic and its length just how much I don't want to write sex scenes. Perhaps I'll do a re-write of this entry when the next fic is out, so it (I) can be further understood.

I believe I have one more fest in line that requires some sort of smut writing; I will do so because I agreed by signing up.

I think after that, I am going to avoid fic with sex, at least of the NC-17/M/R variety. In many ways I miss the days of being the lil' 15-year-old in fandom; I was excused from writing the smutty bits and it was perfectly understandable for me to 'drop the curtain', so to say, and merely allude.

Now I'm 20 and feel as though I should be including such topics in more detail - and indeed, some day I wish to. But I still have not had sex, and though the mechanics are researchable...well, even that isn't entirely my problem. I am pre-orgasmic - yes, that's right, no orgasms for me. I can't get there what with all the mental blocks from my hip era (which indeed isn't over yet). While I know it is different for all women, I don't feel right writing about that part of sexual relations; I feel fake and uncomfortable doing so.

There we go, then. I've put my decision and secrets out on livejournal again. Laughter, there's a way to feel closer to that 15-year-old self, I suppose. But hey, it's always a great one when I want everyone to take a drink during Never Have I Ever: "Never have I ever had an orgasm." Of course, I get a lot of, "Oh you poor soul!" but I don't stumble to the taxi. Shakes head and laughs.

So, er, if I start writing stories with sex scenes again, I guess you'll all be clued in. And lash_larue will host a three-day party with Drew Barrymore and roller derby graphics. Someday, someday; no rush.
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Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Meditative tree.cranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 03:54 am (UTC)
I have had the same difficulty with avoiding gynaecological essays. I'm glad there is no age at which writing sex is suddenly required. Despite that, I really would like to be able to do it some day; I enjoy reading it from time to time, when it's well done.

I love the final sentence of your comment. It does sum things up rather well. Maybe what I need to be doing is writing sex scenes from the POVs of trees.
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Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 03:57 am (UTC)
Oh, no sobs over age; age is a beautiful thing! I guess my issue is not just with sex, but with love and pleasure and the lot of it, all which factor into the sex (and which sex factors into in turn). It's all this very tricky realm that I don't understand yet.

It's strange, because I've experienced the (very slight) temptation to end a life out of pure frustration, and can thus research and amplify it for murders and the like, but I have not felt many stirrings of romance or pleasure or any of the like, and thus feel that even research doesn't help me much - I have no foundation on which to hang it on. Even writing from the POV of a tree makes sense to me because I have taken botany and plant classes. I have not taken Romance 101 or Introduction to Orgasms (however fun those classes would be). I am very in the dark!

My hope, though, is to someday not be in the dark (and I am sure that day will come), so that I may write about this material comfortably.
Miss M.miss_morland on September 13th, 2010 09:20 am (UTC)
Seriously, there is nothing wrong with not writing sex scenes. Don't force yourself, just write what you enjoy writing. (Or, you know, if it's the orgasm part that feels uncomfortable for you -- what about a story wherein there's sex, but one or more of the partners don't come? Fandom is full of stories about amazing sex, but it would be nice to see more fic acknowledging the fact that orgasms don't always happen in RL.)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
I suppose my problem is that I DO have the desire to write about sex - I just don't feel able to. I have no basis to even hang research on. I don't really know what pleasure looks like, or feels like, or anything - for anyone. It's a complete and utter mystery to me. I wouldn't even feel capable of a fic discussing non-orgasm sex; it's a world beyond what I know! I've always found that in order to research something, I have to at least know a little bit, otherwise I comprehend very little - at least when it comes to human/animal complexities.

Thank you for the comment! It did make me think. :D
CaroRulescarorules on September 13th, 2010 01:29 pm (UTC)
I support you in this, we all go to our own pace and you should not feel embarrassed about this. This is your journal and I know i feel bless you trust us enough to tell us this. You should not have to write stuff you are not comfortable with.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
I'm not particularly embarrassed, I promise. (: I just like to warn people before they read more than they would like to. I do trust you all very much!

Thank you for the comment. (:
heartsways: Greys Big Hugsheartsways on September 13th, 2010 05:00 pm (UTC)
You know, as someone who can't STOP writing sexytimes stories, I don't have much room to comment. But I would like to say that you don't have to apologise for anything at all. Ever. Especially when it comes to how your body works or reacts or feels. I feel somewhat honored that you chose to share this with us/me, because someone's sexuality is such a personal thing. Let me just add that when you're ready for it, and when you're with someone who's right for you (and I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, but just more in a 'clicky' way, you know?), or even when YOU'RE right for yourself, you'll find that it's the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

And I think the fact that I managed to post a response without ONCE being off-kilter or lecherous probably says good things about you. After all, you know what I'm like... :)
Reeferreefermadniss on September 14th, 2010 01:01 am (UTC)
I completely agree with Hearts. I admire you for being honest enough with yourself to acknowledge this.

(and...I am an old queer and I'm not always comfortable writing smut myself)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)
Thank you for this comment. It comforts me greatly. (: Your input is always appreciated!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:06 am (UTC)
Smiles. You have plenty of room to comment - multiple points of view are always valued! I think I apologise automatically because it is something I am frustrated with - even if it isn't 'wrong' it doesn't feel 'right' - and hope will change. I know it will, some day, but the 'some day' is thus far a mystery, so that can be a bit...maddening, really.

I completely understand the 'clicky' bit. I'm often asked what I'm 'looking for' for a future partner: Love? Commitment? Physical attraction? Emotional connection? Mental infatuation? I generally respond that I am not picky in that I could pick from such a list; I'm not waiting for "true love" - I'm waiting for "true interest". When I'm interested, and I feel it, and it's mutual, I'll go for it.

I'm not sure I'll ever be right for myself until someone guides me there first. I've come across mental blocks of this 'thickness' before in my life, and with them, I've always needed someone to hold my hand to help me break through them - then I was able to crawl through the hole alone and keep breaking down the wall.

Laughter. I'm not sure what good things it says about me, but I'm delighted you think it is a good sign! Thank you for your input!
kellychambliss: Controlkellychambliss on September 14th, 2010 12:52 am (UTC)
Sweetie, I agree with all the wise others: write what you love, what makes you feel good. There's no magic age for writing things like this. So go ahead and drop all the curtains you like. Your non-explicit stories are a delight; it's not as if you're cheating your devoted readers by sticking to gen or PG-13 /g/

(Though if it's any consolation, I thought you did a fine job with your sex scene in the SSC story. There's no way I would have been capable of that at 20. It's a lucky thing we don't have to have personal experience of everything we write about *she says, looking around shiftily and thinking of her various stories dealing with rape, refugee camps, centaurs, bdsm clubs, and wand duels with Lucius Malfoy*)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:22 am (UTC)
I'm relieved to know that I am not cheating anyone (anyone I care about) by sticking to ratings lower down the food chain.

I think it is only frustrating in that someday I do wish to, and think that someday it will be something I can manage. It somewhat feels like I am back in my pre-pubescent days, with all the older girls talking about 'their time of the month', and how even though it came with its own drama and down-points, there was so much pride in the fact that they got there and joined this global group. I could research and visualise and prepare for it all I wanted, but it was never the same as experiencing it; once I had, my mind was opened to understanding gradually. The door required opening by something that I could not find for myself, but something that had to happen when the time was right and ready.

I guess, then, it's just another sort of impatience. Hmm. I suppose I've just found another outlet of hip-frustrations - annoying all the places it touches. I have an irrational feeling that I am cheating readers by avoiding the topic, yes, but mainly I feel cheated that thus far I have not been able to experience it. The same way that my puberty was determined by doctors (Lupron for precocious puberty with short stature), my sexuality has been affected (and delayed) by my dealings with hip operations and healing (which is still present today).

Sometimes I think that everything comes back to the fact that I am an utter nutter. Laughs and shakes head.

(I believe you on all but dueling Lucius Malfoy: I'm sure that you really have. Those I feel able to research. Romance and love and sex and the lot, well...they seem a mystery to me, a world I aspire to one day enter!)
therealsnapetherealsnape on September 14th, 2010 07:12 am (UTC)
Every word of wisdom has been spoken already, of course, but really, just write what you like to write. It's a hobby, remember? No need to force yourself.
And Kelly is right. No need to have personal experience of everything, either.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on September 15th, 2010 04:25 am (UTC)
All true, thank you for the input! Someday I wish to write it. Some (most) things I feel able to research and write based on basic feelings and knowledge I choose to acquire; others (the big Romance, Sex, Love trio), I feel inadequate writing until I understand more. They seem like human complexities that I feel I can't research correctly until the right switch is on in my brain/life. So I'm waiting...sometimes patiently, sometimes not-so-much, laughter.