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01 August 2010 @ 01:46 pm
 
So far today I have failed to get dressed, failed to clean my room and failed to write a fanfic. I have instead read one of kellychambliss' stories. Hermione's POV. Got to me much more than I expected.

In the middle, I was downstairs nibbling a little breakfast. Mum and Da found themselves in the kitchen too. (Even after Mum's, "Kiwi! What are you doing up! It's 10 o'clock! You clearly aren't a teenager anymore. Your father and I are still sleeping. We are teenagers.") Dweeb came down to drink some chocolate milk before heading off to work at Ruby Tuesday's.

We were all in the same room. That hasn't happened in ages. So, naturally, we all made fun of each other and whinged. It was fun.

Kelly's story made me cry. The state of my room - and the juxtaposition of my mind's template for this 'new room' I want layered over the reality - makes me groan.

I was happy until my mother told me a few moments ago that I've gained weight since my Solstice visit. I hate being the sort of girl who cares, except that I always care, because since my injury and operations I have always felt too fleshy. I hate when people tell me I've lost weight, gained weight, anything-weight...I hate that I have a weight, and that it might fluctuate, and that people might care.

That and I'm not sure I agree, or that if I do agree, I'm frustrated...because I wasn't any more active before winter-time. I walked to and from campus, yes...but presently I work at a nature camp where I am out walking every day. Perhaps I was starving myself then. Heck if I know.

Poppy's pants, am I a moody little one today. My mother wants me to go to the shops and CVS for supplies and food for camp. I need to get out of this mood and into the next one.

This morning, I felt young and curvaceous-but-fit and right. Right now I feel too old for my age and fat and wrong. Wow, world, I'm glad to know you're so objective today. Subjective sucks, science says. Kiwi agrees. Sod off, delusional reality!

laskfdlkafdlkafd summer frustration. I need to spend more time naked, and less time listening to my ridiculous little mind. Even less time offering ears to others. Who cares about descriptive labels that may or may not apply to my body, if I like it anyway?
 
 
Current Mood: blahBlah.
 
 
 
heartsways: England flagheartsways on August 1st, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC)
Oh...weight. Pish. You should come hang out with me. I'm guaranteed to make any girl look sylph-like. ;)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on August 5th, 2010 03:23 am (UTC)
Ahhhhhahahaha. I don't know how you can always make me crack up over an issue that can sometimes bring me to tears. You're too talented!
music_is_breath: lightmusic_is_breath on August 1st, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
I know exactly what you mean...
No matter how self-confident you are and how much you truly believe that weight doesn't matter with other people, sometimes one little question is able to ruin your whole day. And this is fucking frustrating because first you get annoyed by the subject and then you get angry at yourself for letting the whole topic get to you at all... :/

But when you say, that you like your body the way it is, that is clearly the right attitude because it is perfect the way it is! So next time the question appears, no matter in which way, do it like me...smile and say: Thank you, I'll take this as a compliment! :)

(And then you can get annoyed nevertheless xD)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on August 5th, 2010 03:24 am (UTC)
I'm generally okay with the questions. Less when it's 'you've gained weight since x time' :P. That's more difficult!

It's all too annoying! :B
Reeferreefermadniss on August 2nd, 2010 03:14 am (UTC)
But despite all the agonies over weight, which I most certainly understand, you've hit upon a wonderful idea: spend more time naked.

That phrase just jumped out at me, in a most pleasant and respectful way, I'll add. It does help. I spend a little more time 'less-dressed' I'll call it because of the hot flashes. At some point I became grateful that everything mostly works and I allow myself to be reminded that eating better is a way for me to take better care. I leave the recriminations behind because they're simply not useful, no matter how great the evidence that gravity is definitely not my friend.

Thanks for that grand idea of spending more time naked.

Oh, and *waves at heartsways*.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on August 5th, 2010 03:26 am (UTC)
Spending more time naked always seemed to be what helped me most, rather than affirmations or specific exercise or working on changing my body/mind with certain structures of thinking/doing. Being naked is just...being, and my brain really does well with that and using the time to accept and love my body the way it is. Something very useful I learned from hippie camp!

Being naked is what leads me to the better eating and exercising, out of love for my body instead of a need to change it so I will love it. A subtle difference to some people, but it means the world to me!
CaroRulescarorules on August 2nd, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)
I feel for you, I never wanna hear anything about my weight, it sucks.