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07 June 2010 @ 11:59 am
 
Not okay right now. Have avoided posting so I didn't get angsty. I have, apart from dissertation work, been having a really great time. Even with the research itself - whenever I managed to forget that I would eventually have to write something of my own down.

Well, now I'm there. This is my last shred of procrastination before I begin and I can't stop crying. I'm picking Barry up from the station at 7.40 and it's noon, so I have 5 hours to write about 1,000 words. This isn't even the real deadline for the lit review (3,000-5,000 words due 25th June worth 10% of the 40-credit dissertation), just getting something written up to send to my supervisor so I can meet with him on Wednesday. I want to have it done today so I don't have to work on it while Barry is around. Don't want to bore the poor fellow in his travels.

But, well, that's where I am. I haven't written a word down because my brain has attached so much to it. To the fact that once I begin writing, that's it, I'm on the dissertation-writing path. Third year hasn't even begun and all I want is for it to be over.

Affirmations aren't working. Mediation, nope. Sleep, frak no - dissertation gives me strange dreams that mean I wake up more tired than anything else. I want to not be so afraid of this.

Sigh. At least it's just tears and not a full-blown panic attack. There's something. And it's not the end of the world if I have to work on it a bit tonight/tomorrow night. It just feels like it.

Barry just texted me, excited to be in the UK. I cannot be a mess for him. I refuse. Aghhh I just want to curl up in a ball and have my crazy Masshole friends tell me stories and make me laugh until I roll around and forget that all this stuff I make so big in my head isn't so important in reality and isn't worth getting myself so upset over.
 
 
 
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Kiwi Crocus: Firefly || Kaynara || Friends.cranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 11:51 am (UTC)
Thank you thank you thank you. ♥ The task has been started - decided to start with something other than the 'first' sentence, since chronology appears to wig me out, and am now doing reasonably (ish). Thank you for the big hug! It really does help. (:
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocus: HP || Rita || Writing quill. [A]cranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 11:59 am (UTC)
Thank you! I feel somewhat more at ease now. (: I know I'm going to re-write my Introduction far too many times. Hopefully some of the rest I'll get to keep.

Hugs back! Thanks!
Miss M.miss_morland on June 7th, 2010 12:09 pm (UTC)
Good luck! You can do it. :-)
Kiwi Crocus: BSG || Happy hug.cranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 12:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you thank you! ♥ Whoever said Livejournal was an angstfesting emocesspit clearly did not understand the wondrous self-esteem boosting presence that LJ can be in a neurotic person's (student's) life!
chellix18chellix18 on June 7th, 2010 12:37 pm (UTC)
i'll join the hug and i'll give you a bear hug..*pats your back* there there
Kiwi Crocus: Rainbow || Meditative tree.cranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 12:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you. ♥ Bear hugs back! Your icon cheered me up, too. I love rainbows. (: Thanks for the support!
kellychamblisskellychambliss on June 7th, 2010 01:47 pm (UTC)
Ah, this is a feeling I know all too well -- that desire to put off starting a huge project because once you begin, you feel that you can't do anything else until it's done -- days, weeks, months of your life sucked down the black hole of total focus on whatever-it-is. Others (like me) can assure you that you don't have to approach it this way, that you can do just a bit at a time, but somehow, those assurances never help. So I won't even offer them /g/. I'll just send sympathy and total understanding and mental Nutella (with spoon).
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 03:03 pm (UTC)
Bit at a time. I can try that. It would probably be good for me, rather than devoting huge chunks of my life and thinking I'll never get out of it... Thank you for the sympathy, understanding and mental Nutella-with-spoon! I value them all.

1,000 words. Not a lot, indeed not much, but a start - and enough to send to my supervisor so he knows where I'm going with it, how I write and how I reference. Will continue working but at least I feel a touch better.

Thank you!
Morninglorybluemorningloryblue on June 7th, 2010 01:47 pm (UTC)
Ok, breathe...envision tomorrow and turning it in...you will because you have to do it ---- write your heart away!

Looking forward to your post saying it's DONE!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you. (: I got the 1,000 words done - what I was shooting for. (My supervisor just wants a taste of what I can/will be doing, so we can discuss it at our later meeting.) I feel a bit closer to freedom! Thank you for the support. It means the world to me.
CaroRulescarorules on June 7th, 2010 02:23 pm (UTC)
Gosh, I wish there was something any of us could do to help..!

You can do it, be strong!
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on June 7th, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
You are all helping incredible amounts, don't fear! Support from friends/community is the only thing that really gets me through things. (:

Thank you for the kind words and support! ♥