Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

Not okay right now. Have avoided posting so I didn't get angsty. I have, apart from dissertation work, been having a really great time. Even with the research itself - whenever I managed to forget that I would eventually have to write something of my own down.

Well, now I'm there. This is my last shred of procrastination before I begin and I can't stop crying. I'm picking Barry up from the station at 7.40 and it's noon, so I have 5 hours to write about 1,000 words. This isn't even the real deadline for the lit review (3,000-5,000 words due 25th June worth 10% of the 40-credit dissertation), just getting something written up to send to my supervisor so I can meet with him on Wednesday. I want to have it done today so I don't have to work on it while Barry is around. Don't want to bore the poor fellow in his travels.

But, well, that's where I am. I haven't written a word down because my brain has attached so much to it. To the fact that once I begin writing, that's it, I'm on the dissertation-writing path. Third year hasn't even begun and all I want is for it to be over.

Affirmations aren't working. Mediation, nope. Sleep, frak no - dissertation gives me strange dreams that mean I wake up more tired than anything else. I want to not be so afraid of this.

Sigh. At least it's just tears and not a full-blown panic attack. There's something. And it's not the end of the world if I have to work on it a bit tonight/tomorrow night. It just feels like it.

Barry just texted me, excited to be in the UK. I cannot be a mess for him. I refuse. Aghhh I just want to curl up in a ball and have my crazy Masshole friends tell me stories and make me laugh until I roll around and forget that all this stuff I make so big in my head isn't so important in reality and isn't worth getting myself so upset over.
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