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15 February 2010 @ 12:22 am
 
When my room has a laptop, it is a portal. It is a portal into another realm. It's connected and alive with my loved ones.

When my room has no laptop, it is solitary. So solitary. Silent and solitary. Scary. Moments when I would have been happy to close my laptop and sit by myself become moments during which I bite my nails.

I am exhausted. I fell asleep in the den. I went upstairs to read. I tried to sleep. I cried because I missed people--when I feel I *should* have the opportunity to reach people when I wish to, when it is gone I am affected. I become homesick.

My laptop is communication. I can't call these people I love, I can't communicate with them quickly by letter. My friends here call their loved one when they have no laptop. I wish I could do that.

I lay in my room alone and afraid. Thought of cuddles and dozed some, wokeup frightened of a test on Wednesday with nothing to ease my mind. I couldn't just turn on my laptop, see "It's going to be okay" and go back to sleep.

I came downstairs. Juliette was in the kitchen doing the washing up. She asked me if I was alright and knew already that I wasn't already. I cried and she hugged me. She understood how important my laptop is in my life -- not the information, not the writing, just having it be my Connection -- and brought me chocolate and her laptop.

I should be sleeping, but I'm awake. I feel a little comforted. It feels better. My room upstairs will still feel scary and solitary, but I think this will have helped.
 
 
Current Mood: scaredScared.
 
 
 
Kelly: feel the loveddagent on February 17th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
Oh honey, I'm so sorry....

*massive, massive hugs*