In doing so, I came across many quotes from last year and two or three from the beginning of this year. If you would like to delve into the craziness and insanity that was my Fresher year, feel free! Many conversations end up sexual. We're Uni students. We can't really help it.
Kiwi: "It would be great if knowledge spread like STI's, then I'd be really smart."
[Pauses. Realizes what she's just said about herself.]
Kiwi: [Talking about her father buying some strange sea-food thing from Ebay from the other side of the world and getting it delivered to her house. A giant clam foot or something.]
Sarah: [Walks in.]
Kiwi: "And it looked like a giant albino penis."
[Everyone cracks up.]
Mary: "Have you been overworking, Kiwi?"
Kiwi: "What? No, I was writing a novel."
Mary: [Gives a, 'you're crazy, that's work' look.]
Kiwi: "Nono. I could write 3 novels and have it not be work, but writing a paper...PFFT!"
Mary: "Kiwi, have I ever told you I think you're a bit strange sometimes?"
Kiwi: "About six."
[Kiwi is on laptop, Ben is trying to take it away and take control. Kiwi is not interested in this.]
Kiwi: [Angry.] MEN! TESTOSTERONE!! IDIOCY!!! YOU!!!!! [Steadily louder each time.]
Ben: Can I log you off Facebook? [Logs off.]
Kiwi: ... [Looks affronted.]
Ben: [Looks over.] What, I asked?
Kiwi: [Explodes.] Yes, but you DIDN'T wait for an ANSWER! That's the point of a QUESTION! That's why it has a QUESTION MARK!
[Kiwi and Sarah are together, being...Karah, the whacky random insane pair they become when together.]
Kiwi and Sarah: [Note that Charlie the Unicorn is playing on Kiwi's iPod.] Charlieeee! [Continue saying it. Walk down the road. Hit the song portion and both start dancing and then pretending they're riding unicorns down the street. End laughing.]
Kiwi: I laugh so hard with you!
Kiwi: [Puts on Mysterious Ticking Noise.]
Kiwi and Sarah: [Do it in harmony.] [Finish.] At Hoooooogwaaaaaaaaarts!
[Both acknowledge everyone else thinks they're insane.]
Matt: We do not speak that name here.
Kiwi: Oh, I get it. Sacred ground.
Matt: [Nods head solemnly and peacefully.]
Lora, later: He is in a very happy place right now. [Kiwi in background worshiping her subway sandwich.]
[Alisha walks by Kiwi's room.]
Alisha: Hey Kiwi.
Kiwi: [Looks up.] Hey Alisha. What's up?
Alisha: Not much, it hasn't changed much since we last saw each other. ((Moments before.))
Kiwi: Ah. Everything in my life has changed. [Pauses.] I'm getting married, and I'm pregnant.
Alisha: [Walks over and hugs.] Congrats, congrats.
Alisha: You two are insane when you're together.
Sarah: [Starts rolling along the corridor wall back to her room.]
Alisha: By rolling Sarah, by pregnant Kiwi!
[Mary, Andrea, and Hayley are hugging.]
[Alisha and Juliette hug down the corridor.]
[Everyone breaks apart.]
Kiwi: Every single person out in the corridor was just hugging. Sixth floor is full of love!
Juliette: Kiwi, have you heard my ladybird story?
Juliette: Well once, in primary school, all these kids were standing around in a circle and I didn't know why. So I marched over into the center of the circle and demanded they tell me what was going on. And they told me that I was standing on a ladybird...giving birth. So I was standing on about 50,000 ladybirds or something. And you know kids then, they think ladybirds are sooo cute, like, "Oh, let's keep it for a pet!"
Lora: And you stood on 50,000 of them.
Matt: That's when the bullying started.
[Kiwi reclines on her stomach in the corridor.]
[Matt pokes in her sides.]
[Kiwi flails about shrieking and making strange noises.]
Juliette: You know what you remind me of? [Insert small tangent about the fact that it's from C.S. Lewis here.] You remind me of the little people who had one foot and bounced everywhere. [Demonstrates.]
[Sarah begins bouncing in the background.]
Kiwi: But I haz two legs! [Spreads them in the air.]
Juliette: But they were short! And had one leg! And bounced! And were invisible!
Kiwi: Ooooer, invisible! [Cackles madly.]
Sarah: What, Harry hasn't been read to? Nothing?
Kiwi: Travesty! We must remedy this!
[They discuss Kiwi's being read Harry Potter in childhood, and other things.]
Sarah: But we couldn't read him Harry Potter because that has witchcraft.
Kiwi: [Thinks Jesus Camp.] Yes, that's blasphemous.
[Moments later they both break out into the Harry Potter theme song together, bobbing all around.]
Juliette: You two remind me of wood pigeons!
Sarah: I'm bored. [Starts knots and crosses on Kiwi's paper.]
Kiwi: [Plays.] [Thinks, 'Oh no, and it starts...]
[More than an hour later, Kiwi's notes are filled with doodles of sandwiches, dead sheep, cockroaches in yogurt, and many other unexplainable things. Like cancer.]
[Alish and Kiwi chat.]
[Sarah shows up, and there is much rejoicing. They all walk towards lunch.]
[Matt appears out of the carpark.]
Kiwi: The sixth floor amoeba is growing!
[At lunch Harry, Juliette, and Rich appear.]
Sarah: More amoeba growth!
Kate: Harry comes along and he's playing his guitar and we're like, "Yay Harry!" and then Ben came around the corner and Juliette was like, "Every silver lining has its cloud..." And it was just perfect.
Juliette: [Looking over at Kate and the group who dragged her over to share her funny story.] So you know when you're with your aunt and uncle and your parents like nudge you to say something you're enjoying about school? That's sort of what this feels like.
Kiwi: It's a fucking pirate!
[Passerbys look at her all funny-like.]
Steve: Avest ye!
Sarah: This is the most bizarre conversation I have ever had.
[Token Northern Boy (Tin) and Kiwi discuss strange things with Kiwi using a remarkably odd voice.]
Kiwi: Tom Cruise? TOM CRUISE?! Cats and boats do not get along. Therefore Tom and Cruise do not correlate, and Tom Cruise does not exist.
Sarah: That is the best reasoning for Tom Cruise's disexistence ever. That HAS to go on the blog!
Sarah: Come Christmastime, I'm going to have tinsel in my room. Only a few weeks before, when we're actually here.
Kiwi: Come that time, I'm going to be working my bum off.
Sarah: My room will have tinsel!
Kiwi: Well, I'll have to work my bum off in your room. Only then I won't have a posterior, only an anterior. How sad. I wonder how much weight I would lose without a bum.
Sarah: [Looks at Kiwi strangely.]
Kiwi: [Continues rambling.] A new weight-loss technique. Surgically remove your rear! See how much weight you lose!
Alisha and Matt: [Look over, confused, asking what's going on.]
Kiwi: [Breaks out in a fit of laughter.]
[Can't breath but still continues.]
[Falls over hugging laptop, but continues laughing.]
Matt: [Says something.]
Kiwi: Iiii -- Haaaate -- Youuu! [All high-pitched and long, for she cannot breath in properly and her throat is all tight. Sounds like a deflating balloon.]
Matt: And this is university? Getting bollocksed before ten and...watching the Lion King.
Juliette: "I may be drunk--" [long pause to correct herself] "--but I'm not a pedophile!"
Juliette: [Hiccups.] "How do you cure the hiccups?"
Kiwi: "Hold your breath and say the alphabet three times."
Juliette: [Clamps mouth shut.] [Attempts to say the alphabet but it comes out "mm" "mm" "mm."]
Kiwi: [Snickers.] She actually tried it!
Kiwi: [Puts pool chalk on her nose.] "I brown-nosed a smurf."
[Juliette and Sarah end up with chalk on their faces, and Kiwi has more added to her own look.]
[Matt and John refuse the blue treatment.]
[There is a battle of epic proportions.]
Kiwi: [Stands on coffee table.] "Hey. I'm about as tall as a regular person."
John: [Stands up to compare.] "Let's see..."
Kiwi: [Shakes head and smirks.] "No, closer." [Grabs his face, brings it in like she'd kiss him, and rubs her nose on his cheek.] "Win!" [Pounces off table and prances about.]
Matt: "You were supposed to be on our side! Our ally!"
Kiwi: [Watches Lora approach.] [Distracts.]
Lora: [Goes through the hole in the wall and rubs chalk on Matt's face.]
Matt: [Distress, disappointment and laughter.]
Kiwi: "I'm chaotic good! No one can tell what I'm going to do!"
John: [Laughs.] "I actually get that!"
[All the bar-sixthers return to the corridor.]
Kiwi: [Peeks out and greets them. They are strange.] "What's wrong with all of you?"
Matt: "We just want Kiwi hugs!"
Kiwi [Squeaks.] "Egads!" [Runs into her room and hides in the closet.]
[Everyone comes in.]
"Where is she?"
"Where'd she go?"
Matt: [Opens the closet door.]
[There is much laughter.]
Which leads back from the tangent to...
[Everyone has blue all over his/her face, including Matt.]
Kiwi: "I can't believe I started the trend."
Juliette: "If I were to nickname you all...[Sarah] would be Crazy Psycho Bitch. And [Lora] would be Gothic Retard Kid..."
Kiwi: "What would I be?"
K: [Rolls eyes and chuckles.] "Well THAT'S original."
[Lora is sick.]
L: "Am I on fire?"
L: "Are you sure?"
L: "I'm covered in lima beans. Did you know you can drown in lima beans?"
[Kiwi, Matt, Alishia talking about back garden plans.]
K: "We'll get a tiger, like in Aladdin."
M: "No, a lion!" ((Alluding to our religion, Mufasianism, the religion that honours the Lion King and Mufasa as our God.))
K: "We'll get a liger to combine them. And then we won't have to worry about it breeding with all the other ligers in the area. And we can feed it the meat Batgirl (Lora) won't eat."
K: "I would hope you will be kind with your carnivory. But fine. We'll catch school children and feed them to the liger."
Alishia: "But Kiwi, you do well on tests!"
Kiwi: "Tests...but I've never had an exam."
A: "Just think of them as big tests."
K: [Giggles.] "I just thought you said 'big breasts.'"
A: "Then think of them as that, yes! A good C-D..."
K: [Crosses arms.] "That doesn't even cover my size!"
A: "Don't be mean, that's more than what I've got!"
K: "Yeah, but you didn't even get up to mine! What does that make me? A 6-hour exam?!"
Sarah: "I'm a pop quiz!"
[All crack up.]
Juliette V[finish surname here]'s favourite quote of the day - Kiwi : How would I get pregnant... go shag a tree and give birth to a shrub?!
Alisha:[Screeches from upstairs.]
John: [Yells from the living room.] "Put her down!"
Alisha: [From upstairs.] "Thanks!"
Alisha: [Screeches again.]
John: "And don't pick her back up again!"
Sarah: "Clingongs say, 'give now, bitch!'"
Juliette: "You can't walk by because I could take you over the table."
[Kiwi tries to get up from next to Juliette.]
Juliette: "You can't get up because I buggered your hip."
Kiwi: "When you took me over the table."
[Watching "Pretty Woman," the first Girl's Night in the house.]
Juliette: "I want to be *IN* this film! I want to be that pillar!"
[Talking about greatest fears.]
Alex: "My fears are a bit deeper than that. I would be afraid of heart attacks and strokes."
Kiwi: "I think my greatest fear as a man would be erectile dysfunction. Yes, my greatest fear would be not getting it up."
Morten: "I have a new greatest fear."
Kiwi: "Loser, loser, double loser, as if, whatever, get the picture, Duh."
Sara: "Loser, loser, double loser, as if, wanker..."
Kiwi: "As if, whatever, get the picture, duh? Yeah, that's so American."
Juliette: "How did your penis bring a dino crisis?"
Matt: "Well, my sperm."
Juliette: "Shut up! You horrible, pubescent... ... ...boy!"