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09 January 2010 @ 08:35 pm
I'm here. Leaving was ridiculously difficult. Went to the HP exhibit with the fam (minus Dweeb) and tattooedsappho. It was fun. My hip wasn't pleased with me, but the exhibit was lovely and we had good conversations with the people working there. Sapph got sorted (Ravenclaw, as per her request) and Mum pushed me up. I said Hufflepuff was my favourite, given I thought a difference would be better. It was entertaining.

Sapph and I talked fic a bit. Gotta remember to rec kellychambliss's centaur story for her. We talked about lj friends like the geeky people we are.

Airport, dinner with parents. Not much speaking. Went through security sniffling. Plane was boarding as I got to the gate, so I went on.

I kept looking out the window at Boston, then couldn't stop crying and wanted to get myself off the plane. Tried to tell myself to man up. The minutes before we took off were some of the hardest I've faced, knowing I'd have to get through exam stress again before I'd be in the States next. I was alright once I said goodbye to the US and we got above the clouds. "Defying Gravity" came on my iPod and I felt more capable; then "Soon Love Soon" and I felt more loved, thinking of Tree and my loved ones all over.

Exhausting getting back here. Did some laptop stuff (had to re-install everything since I have a new hard-drive) and zonked out until 4.40. Went downstairs to hang out a bit.

Wrote a tumblr, but I'll put it here:

I just typoed 'homesick' as 'homewick' and realised it's similar for me. My level of homesick feels more like a wick--it burns down each day, and either it burns to its bottom and ceases of I return home and symbolically buy a new candle.

This weekend was my first experience with homesickness. I understand now why it has 'sick' attached to the word. I did feel sick. It felt like my stomach and heart, and all my important parts, were left somewhere else--the concept of 'home.' That the rest of me was yearning for them, or for being home, either of which would unify me. I cried and clutched my stomach.

I understand now. My empathy for any living soul out there that has ever yearned to be somewhere else has risen infinitely. I Understand.

Hardest plane journey ever. Thank goodness for music, and remembering the love people have sent me along with songs--the unconditional love not based on location or ability, or where 'home' is. I could hear it in the melodies as I Defied Gravity and thought Soon Love Soon.

So, yes, I realise my entries can be kind of depressing. And talk about nothing because I don't have sex or write or do any exciting things currently, just worry. But I'm trying to pull together and change it. I trust you all know I'm a reasonably happy, perky person by nature and these darker days are the anomaly, not the status quo.

It is nice being back in the house. Chocolate. The den still decorated. People still saying, "No, I'm just NOT thinking about work!" Silly conversations. I'm going to try to let it lift me up, and keep all the right stuff in my head to not get pulled under with work.

With a real look at reality, it plainly isn't worth it. Life may not be butterflies and rainbows, but my work isn't going for my jugular either.
Current Mood: determinedDetermined.
A completely happy writer: McGonagal Lionesslar_laughs on January 9th, 2010 09:01 pm (UTC)
Your entries aren't depressing! They are the mile markers of a girl trying to find her place in the universe and they remind me of my own struggles and how sometimes I settle for what is easy instead of striving for what my true place is supposed to be.

Keep on keeping on. You can do it! *hugs*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)
I'm glad my entries aren't wholly depressing! Guess I just got too caught up remembering past posts of squee and excitement. Still creating that little niche in the universe for me! Good luck with yours. ♥

Thank you. I'll keep trying to dance through life. Even if sometimes the song turns a little slow and mournful. :)
Sunsets4mySoulsunsets4mysoul on January 10th, 2010 12:49 am (UTC)
so, i was reading this post in my on my friends page and had something entirely different planned to say...then this comment thread changed my mind so i leave you instead with a favorite quote :)

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain..."
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Cristina Yang || Dance.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for commenting. That quotes is one of my favourites; reminds me of a Wicked song, Dancing Through Life.

Thank you! ♥