Sapph and I talked fic a bit. Gotta remember to rec kellychambliss's centaur story for her. We talked about lj friends like the geeky people we are.
Airport, dinner with parents. Not much speaking. Went through security sniffling. Plane was boarding as I got to the gate, so I went on.
I kept looking out the window at Boston, then couldn't stop crying and wanted to get myself off the plane. Tried to tell myself to man up. The minutes before we took off were some of the hardest I've faced, knowing I'd have to get through exam stress again before I'd be in the States next. I was alright once I said goodbye to the US and we got above the clouds. "Defying Gravity" came on my iPod and I felt more capable; then "Soon Love Soon" and I felt more loved, thinking of Tree and my loved ones all over.
Exhausting getting back here. Did some laptop stuff (had to re-install everything since I have a new hard-drive) and zonked out until 4.40. Went downstairs to hang out a bit.
Wrote a tumblr, but I'll put it here:
I just typoed 'homesick' as 'homewick' and realised it's similar for me. My level of homesick feels more like a wick--it burns down each day, and either it burns to its bottom and ceases of I return home and symbolically buy a new candle.
This weekend was my first experience with homesickness. I understand now why it has 'sick' attached to the word. I did feel sick. It felt like my stomach and heart, and all my important parts, were left somewhere else--the concept of 'home.' That the rest of me was yearning for them, or for being home, either of which would unify me. I cried and clutched my stomach.
I understand now. My empathy for any living soul out there that has ever yearned to be somewhere else has risen infinitely. I Understand.
Hardest plane journey ever. Thank goodness for music, and remembering the love people have sent me along with songs--the unconditional love not based on location or ability, or where 'home' is. I could hear it in the melodies as I Defied Gravity and thought Soon Love Soon.
So, yes, I realise my entries can be kind of depressing. And talk about nothing because I don't have sex or write or do any exciting things currently, just worry. But I'm trying to pull together and change it. I trust you all know I'm a reasonably happy, perky person by nature and these darker days are the anomaly, not the status quo.
It is nice being back in the house. Chocolate. The den still decorated. People still saying, "No, I'm just NOT thinking about work!" Silly conversations. I'm going to try to let it lift me up, and keep all the right stuff in my head to not get pulled under with work.
With a real look at reality, it plainly isn't worth it. Life may not be butterflies and rainbows, but my work isn't going for my jugular either.