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09 January 2010 @ 08:35 pm
I'm here. Leaving was ridiculously difficult. Went to the HP exhibit with the fam (minus Dweeb) and tattooedsappho. It was fun. My hip wasn't pleased with me, but the exhibit was lovely and we had good conversations with the people working there. Sapph got sorted (Ravenclaw, as per her request) and Mum pushed me up. I said Hufflepuff was my favourite, given I thought a difference would be better. It was entertaining.

Sapph and I talked fic a bit. Gotta remember to rec kellychambliss's centaur story for her. We talked about lj friends like the geeky people we are.

Airport, dinner with parents. Not much speaking. Went through security sniffling. Plane was boarding as I got to the gate, so I went on.

I kept looking out the window at Boston, then couldn't stop crying and wanted to get myself off the plane. Tried to tell myself to man up. The minutes before we took off were some of the hardest I've faced, knowing I'd have to get through exam stress again before I'd be in the States next. I was alright once I said goodbye to the US and we got above the clouds. "Defying Gravity" came on my iPod and I felt more capable; then "Soon Love Soon" and I felt more loved, thinking of Tree and my loved ones all over.

Exhausting getting back here. Did some laptop stuff (had to re-install everything since I have a new hard-drive) and zonked out until 4.40. Went downstairs to hang out a bit.

Wrote a tumblr, but I'll put it here:

I just typoed 'homesick' as 'homewick' and realised it's similar for me. My level of homesick feels more like a wick--it burns down each day, and either it burns to its bottom and ceases of I return home and symbolically buy a new candle.

This weekend was my first experience with homesickness. I understand now why it has 'sick' attached to the word. I did feel sick. It felt like my stomach and heart, and all my important parts, were left somewhere else--the concept of 'home.' That the rest of me was yearning for them, or for being home, either of which would unify me. I cried and clutched my stomach.

I understand now. My empathy for any living soul out there that has ever yearned to be somewhere else has risen infinitely. I Understand.

Hardest plane journey ever. Thank goodness for music, and remembering the love people have sent me along with songs--the unconditional love not based on location or ability, or where 'home' is. I could hear it in the melodies as I Defied Gravity and thought Soon Love Soon.

So, yes, I realise my entries can be kind of depressing. And talk about nothing because I don't have sex or write or do any exciting things currently, just worry. But I'm trying to pull together and change it. I trust you all know I'm a reasonably happy, perky person by nature and these darker days are the anomaly, not the status quo.

It is nice being back in the house. Chocolate. The den still decorated. People still saying, "No, I'm just NOT thinking about work!" Silly conversations. I'm going to try to let it lift me up, and keep all the right stuff in my head to not get pulled under with work.

With a real look at reality, it plainly isn't worth it. Life may not be butterflies and rainbows, but my work isn't going for my jugular either.
Current Mood: determinedDetermined.
A completely happy writer: McGonagal Lionesslar_laughs on January 9th, 2010 09:01 pm (UTC)
Your entries aren't depressing! They are the mile markers of a girl trying to find her place in the universe and they remind me of my own struggles and how sometimes I settle for what is easy instead of striving for what my true place is supposed to be.

Keep on keeping on. You can do it! *hugs*
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)
I'm glad my entries aren't wholly depressing! Guess I just got too caught up remembering past posts of squee and excitement. Still creating that little niche in the universe for me! Good luck with yours. ♥

Thank you. I'll keep trying to dance through life. Even if sometimes the song turns a little slow and mournful. :)
Sunsets4mySoulsunsets4mysoul on January 10th, 2010 12:49 am (UTC)
so, i was reading this post in my on my friends page and had something entirely different planned to say...then this comment thread changed my mind so i leave you instead with a favorite quote :)

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain..."
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Cristina Yang || Dance.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 01:09 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for commenting. That quotes is one of my favourites; reminds me of a Wicked song, Dancing Through Life.

Thank you! ♥
Chevy Eliot: BSG - Hugtattooedsappho on January 9th, 2010 09:34 pm (UTC)
instant lift up -> umbridge's wand looks like a dildo! ;)

this may seem like a strange perspective but i never became homesick while at school or living out in new mexico - having something so wonderful to go home to that you do physically become sick at the thought/prospect/action of leaving it for whatever period of time is a blessing. i know i for one am lucky to be included in my own way. :) ♥

on a side note, wicked has suddenly (not at all to do with deb's recommendation in the least bit) become a focal point for grounding my emotions or at least helping bring me out of funks.

Edited at 2010-01-09 09:34 pm (UTC)
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Callie Torres || Eccentric.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 12:14 am (UTC)
Hahaha, true that, lady! It definitely did! Even Mum thought so!

You are definitely included. :) It was so nice to get to see you quite a bit over break, given I normally don't get to see you much, even when we're in the same country! You seem happier. That makes my heart smile.

Grins. Oh, yes, the recs of crushcreatures never has anything to do with what we end up valuing. :P Wicked does bring me out of my funks, usually. Often I feel a bit too much like Elphie - usually it pulls me out of my funk, sometimes it pushes me in more. But if Wicked leaves a residue I can usually move onto Rend to get the rest. :D

Also I love that icon.
heartswaysheartsways on January 9th, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
Welcome back. You know, it sounds like you've got some wonderful people to return to, but leaving loved ones is never easy. Trust me, I have a little experience with this, heh.

It's nice to have you back on these shores, no matter how unwelcoming they are at the moment!

And who says life isn't butterflies and rainbows, eh? It's just the wrong time of the year. You just wait until Spring arrives and you'll be surrounded by them, heh.

Oh. Get me. Being all positive. I must be unwell. ;)
Kiwi Crocus: AFP || Imagine flowers.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 12:11 am (UTC)
I definitely have loved ones on both shores. This side just comes with more stresses, presently.

Smiles. Thank you. It is nice to be back, in a way. I hope it improves soon too. Plus, I love the snow. :)

Giggles. I'm more of an autumn/winter person, but I do appreciate Spring when she arrives. :]

And yes, go you, Ms. Positive!
Kentthe__empress on January 9th, 2010 09:54 pm (UTC)
I wasn't trying to attack you with my last post, which I'm assuming you were referring to. I was actually talking about my friends page in general, which yes, does include you, but it wasn't only about you. And I also said that I realize that a livejournal is technically still a journal, and people should write what's important to/for themselves.
Kiwi Crocus: Avatar || Grace || Scientist.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 12:10 am (UTC)
I really wasn't trying to attack what you said with mine, either, I promise. It was more attacking myself. Because I'm not pleased with it. I just used your words 'cause, well, I guess they expressed it best?

I've been reading through old livejournal posts because it was New Years, and I miss my short posts about events and excitement. And my livejournal being more of a community than just a plain journal. I want to go back to that, but I've got to have a shift of myself first.

I didn't take it as an attack from you. I took it as a truth, and attacked myself with it. If that clarification makes any sense.
Morninglorybluemorningloryblue on January 10th, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
I am hoping you are feeling better. Help me understand, are you attending college out of the country? And do you visit home from time to time? Or have you made a life for yourself permanently outside of the US?
Kiwi Crocus: Firefly || Kaylee || Chipper.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 01:30 am (UTC)
I go to uni in Reading, England and during winter & summer break I head home to Massachusetts. (Spring break I stay here--too expensive to get back, and no real point to it.) It was just rough this time because I was so stressed before the end of term and the 3 weeks FLEW by, all the while I was supposed to be working on an essay due this Friday and one due next Friday. England doesn't seem to understand that break = little to no work!

Plus I'm now here for the longer run (before it was 2.5 months; now 5) and there is a lot of stress between me and home. The regular semester, break filled with a week-long work-trip to Spain (which will hopefully be exciting too, if I can get past my panic disorder), revision for exams, actual exams and then starting up my third-year dissertation. 3 year program in England, so instead of being a sophomore I'm pretty much a junior...

And none of it would really affect me, save my pretty terrible panic/anxiety with school work, and my fear of getting through all of it. Otherwise flying back would have been nothing. I'm not usually a homesick person. Guess I've just created some really loving communities back home, even while I wasn't there!
lash_laruelash_larue on January 10th, 2010 01:43 am (UTC)
Perhaps out of cowardice, I have stayed away of late.

I really did not want to chance influencing you with tales of my past choices in similar situations. We are a bit alike, as odd as that may seem.

You'll get through it, and you will thrive. Remember, that things DO get better with time, and that youth is a time to go all Conan and hack and slash through the crap. Be true to yourself, and the rest will fall in line, even if you wind up somewhere you never meant to be.

I love you,
Kiwi Crocus: Firefly || Kaylee || Chipper.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 01:47 am (UTC)
No need to stay away. I'm a bit of a stubborn git and incredibly difficult to sway/influence unless I want to be...and generally I don't. I always try to align my choices with my inner sense of integrity, and if I don't achieve that, I only have myself to chastise.

I certainly intend to wind up places I never meant to be. :P Bit of a paradox, there, but it works for me.

I will try to get on the hacking and slashing! I'm going to try pretending to be a Hermione-Luna-Ginny lovechild while I tackle my work: all fierce, detached & dreamy, intelligent studiousness. Hope it works!
Kiwi Crocus: IM&Y || Gay I'm Ecstaticcranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
And, forgot to add, love you too and thank you for the comment! ♥
Kellyddagent on January 16th, 2010 11:33 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry that your journey was hard, I can only imagine how it must have been. *hugs* And your entries aren't depressing my dear.

Yay for chocolate!
Kiwi Crocus: Domo || Science || Schoooool.cranky__crocus on January 16th, 2010 09:04 pm (UTC)
I'm relieved to hear my entries aren't entirely depressing!

Speaking of chocolate, I think it's about time I went downstairs to get some. :]
Kellyddagent on January 23rd, 2010 02:15 pm (UTC)
*huggles* I think it is.