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06 January 2010 @ 12:27 pm
My father just gave me an update on the laptop. Aspen. My baby I haven't had all holiday.

The computer guy is trying to recover the data. It may work. It may not, and then I'd get it back tomorrow with a new hard-drive.

I thanked my father softly.

My mother asked, "No response?" in the other room. They hush-hush discussed my interactions.

I am trying to care. Of course I want my laptop and my data, whatever I can get. And I'm thankful.

But more than that I want to not be holding back tears every time that I'm speaking something. I want to not have the urge to run into a secluded room, curl up and cry for months.

I want to be a better, more stable person. I want to be a better student. I want to be out of this funk.

Once more, I want to not care about this all like it's life or death, like I'm the most important frakking being on this planet. I want to stop being so self-centred and stop regarding my problems as reigning supreme. Instead I'm getting the fake numbness, inability to speak well, urge to disappear.

...these are the exact symptoms I had when I was 15, before and after my worst hip operation. Good gods, at least that made SENSE. It was a terrible recovery period and a hard time.

This is over fucking SCHOOL WORK. I am so sick of all of this. I don't even know who to go to anymore. Looks like it's another trip to counselling when I'm back to uni, just so I can be told that I sound incredibly sane, am doing well, shouldn't be concerned and no they don't know about getting me a therapist.

I am sorry for abusing your flist. I really am. =[ This is only so I don't explode inside.
Current Mood: numbNumb.
Meryl_Edan: BSG Roslin glasses clutchmeryl_edan on January 6th, 2010 05:40 pm (UTC)
Don't be sorry. You're going through a rough spot and you don't have to apologize for that.

When I feel like how it seems you're feeling, I do one of two things. I write, or I read the newspaper and think about all the people who are worse off than I am. The paper helps me put my own life in perspective, although sometimes it also makes me despair about the fate of humanity. Still, perspective.

I'm willing to bet the things you are frustrated about right now are temporary. School and/or work frustrations will pass, and school does end eventually. Some things you need to resign yourself to and just bear until they're over. That probably doesn't sound heartening, but sometimes there's freedom in realizing you really don't have options, and you need to do these things.

I'm happpy to listen if you need to get more out.
Kiwi Crocus: A Rainbow Meditative Treecranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 05:12 am (UTC)
Thank you very much for your comment. It comforted me.

I really should start writing again. I used to do that in high school to keep sane. Nowadays my brain tells me it's procrastination so I don't do it...but then I just procrastinate in other, less productive ways - refreshing Facebook, livejournal, twitter and the like! I miss the days of just acquiescing to the fact that I procrastinate, then reading and writing!

My current frustrations are definitely temporary. Trying to remember the 'this too shall pass' phrase in my head. There is certainly freedom in just surrendering/accepting to what must occur/be done.

Thank you for the offer. I really appreciate having you on my flist, from comments like these to your FU that get my mind back to where it needs to be, in good humour! :D Thank you for being my friend!

(And I won't lie, I often wish I were in FU rather than UoR - University of Reading! Although both admittedly have neat names. :P)
Just me: glass flowerskatimonk on January 7th, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
When you pour so much of yourself into your work it becomes your offspring. It doesn't matter if the work was fanfic or statistics, losing it is losing a huge part of yourself. Seeing how often you go back and read old projects and reflect upon them I have no doubt that you'd be devastated to lose it all.

I hope Aspen recovers. I'd strongly suggest routinely backing up your data by burning it onto a CD. It won't help this time, but it's a good habit to get into (note to self...time to back up my machine!)

hang in there!
Kiwi Crocus: Domo || Science || Schoooool.cranky__crocus on January 10th, 2010 05:13 am (UTC)
The strange thing is that I didn't miss the laptop that much... It was just the general funk that got me down! :P Although of course I'm pleased to have the information back now.

The frustrating part was that she died right before I got my external hard-drive! Now I've got all my stuff backed up, though!

Kelly: Dammitddagent on January 19th, 2010 09:02 pm (UTC)
Well first off *massive hugs*

I hope you're feeling better hon, I hate to see anyone like this. If you ever want to talk, you know where I am. And a chocolate and axe always come in handy.
Kiwi Crocus: Domo || Science || Schoooool.cranky__crocus on January 20th, 2010 12:42 am (UTC)
It's usually better than this, but it drops. I just cried through my favourite singer performing on webcast because I was frightened of work due Friday. Am frightened. And I know I shouldn't be as much as I am, and that it shouldn't affect me this much, but it does.

I hate to see anyone like this too. I hate to see me like this. I feel small and pathetic. Thank you for the offer - even having the offer helps. :) And you do cheer me up considerably, so thank you for that!
Kellyddagent on January 23rd, 2010 06:29 pm (UTC)


Go make yourself some toast, some nutella covered frosties whenever you feel like this and come online, I shall talk you out of it by making you think of Laura/Snape.