Boom, panic attack. Got tissues for the tears, controlled the coughing, at last calmed the hyperventilation, mollified my turning stomach. Spoke through it with Cait, Tree & some others.
I need to do something about this. It's worse now than it's been in a very long time, mainly at the idea of staring the rest of the university year in the face...and then the one after that. The idea of going back to uni and dealing with this sets me off. This is my last time leaving the States before my second set of exams, and before those papers & tests. I don't feel prepared for this.
Sent my professor an email. Didn't mention the panic, just the general lack of understanding I have with the essay and writing it...asked for a meeting the beginning of the week, apologised for asking so late. If he says no I'll understand. If he says yes, we meet and I still don't understand...I'll be disappointed, but I'll know I tried.
I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know.
I hate that my love of learning is being robbed. Institutionalised education is just sucking it out of me, when it should be imbibing me with further love and wonder for learning and life. Maybe that's just idealistic, I don't know. But I find places without the grade system and I don't feel as academically fulfilled. It's no wonder Rachel Carson had to write a book for children to keep their sense of wonder with the world, if we have to make it through these systems first.
I wish I could just love OR hate university. Stay because I loved it, or leave because I hated it. The flip-flop isn't working for me. I can't deal with this panic much more. I was driven closer to dark thoughts than I have ever been before, thinking of making it through all this. WHICH IS SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I LOVE LEARNING.
I love the information. I love (most of) the teachers. When it comes down to it, I even love the work.
I hate the grades. I hate the impersonal evaluation. I hate that the level of accomplishment of one degree (slip of frakking paper) determines my validity within the institution of higher education. I hate the competition. I hate the idea of reputation. Tenure. Funding. I hate how my professors' eyes lose spark when talking about any of the above, even the more sadistic ones--whether they're just peeved at having to do the marking or whatever else.
I hate that the more I love a course and the teacher, the crazier it drives me - and the further it drives me into despair. There is something so incredibly wrong with me in this area. I am sick of the tears, hyperventilation, nausea and negativity over SCHOOLWORK.
It is so petty. I feel so petty. Is it 2011 yet? Am I done yet?