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17 December 2009 @ 07:57 pm
Pleasant things:

1) Airplane turbulence - I don't know why, but I like it. The feeling in my stomach. It's blissful, even in those moments of 'gee, that doesn't sound good' type of thoughts.
2) Having a man next to me interested in looking out the window. Gently waking him when we were above the storm and cloud cover to point toward the sun and the rainbow. His appreciation, and how much it warmed my heart.
3) Dancing in the airport while waiting for my family to arrive, and being not at all concerned about their being late.
4) Dinner with my family for father's birthday and having a camera battle with my brother. Receiving an old brick of a phone like I had in 7th grade. The smile on my father's face when I give him good, real dark chocolate.
5) Coming home to a picture of ukulele-playing-me on the fridge, big why-are-you-taking-pictures-of-me smile at an unexpected picture-taking sesh from a grandparent. Faerie lights around the living room. An evergreen tree with red bows in the corner of the den, just waiting to be decorated. A little plastic tree to have all of my own from my grandmother, who remembered that when I was little all I wanted was a little tree to keep in my room. Sprawling out in my old bed in my old room with my old snoring pug.
6) Planning surprises. Waiting for joy.

Less pleasant things:

1) Life turbulence.
2) Looking in the mirror and seeing a self-cherishing, selfish, self-centred person when there is the potential to be so much more than that.
3) Laptops that really don't want to work anymore, and the fear of losing everything from it.
4) Attachment to things, instead of just loving & cherishing them - but wanting to change that is a start, and recognising where the attachment lies is another step in the right direction.
5) Not knowing what to do with myself. But being willing to try figuring it out.

Things will work out though. I'm excited for things. I'm planning something. And I'm excited for home friends, and Cassia & crew, and sister, and Wishi in Rhode Island, and writing and reading and resting. I'm not excited to go back to working on uni work and trying to figure out how write a well-structured, flowing English-Humanities type essay with adequate vocabulary. From the seminar, apparently "quality" as an adjective is still slang - which I totally didn't know, or maybe it wasn't in America, or in high school, or whatever. I don't know. That's a whole new world, and it's pretty amazing how I can be sitting and thinking about how life is going alright even with its bumps and then think of school for an instant and freeze.

...yeah, I really need to re-wire my brain.
Treecreatesunspots on December 17th, 2009 09:10 pm (UTC)
life turbulence is never an easy space, but the joy of other spaces and home spaces is so important and it's so important too that you recognize them. i cannot wait to be in homespace (of some sort). mostly familyspace.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 27th, 2009 01:22 am (UTC)
Other spaces & home spaces are so important to me right now. I am glad to be home. My heart hurts for leaving, but I know I must stretch my heart muscles, because it loves that too - and creating new home spaces. Familyspace has been lovely too, even though it has changed very much through the years. It has stretched as my heart has. I am thankful it is still present, in whatever forms.

Thank you for being in my life. You are so important to me; and you are so important to the universe! ♥
heartswaysheartsways on December 17th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC)
Ah, life turbulence. I know you well.

You know, I'm happy that you find solace in your family. That's really important. Cherish the things that give you happiness and forget about the others, just over Christmas, okay?
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 27th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)
I'm trying to take your advice. :) Thank you for the reminder of it.

Making it through my storms. They're never as big as The Forecaster My Mind tells me they will be. Even if I feel like I'm in a dinky little row boat, I make it through - and who cares if I get a little wet, or have to swim a bit? :)
lash_laruelash_larue on December 17th, 2009 10:08 pm (UTC)
I like airplane turbulence too.

For some reason it is one of the few situations where I am able to simply not worry about the things that I have no control over. I figure since I'm not a musician I'm safe on airplanes.

Please back up your work before the laptop pukes. Because it will, it's what they do.

Trust me, self-cherishing, particularly if you are aware of it, is MILES ahead of self-loathing. You have time, you may be a bit more than a sapling, but you are not yet the mighty oak you you will be. Shoot, once upon a time you were just an acorn, so that's progress!

Merry Christmas Kiwi,

Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on December 27th, 2009 01:30 am (UTC)
I think that's what it it is with me too - no control, and just giving in and accepting wholly and completely. It's hard for me to do that with other things in my life; I feel like I could have tried harder, or changed the circumstances that kept me from trying harder, or whatever else. But airplane turbulence? Nothin' I can do about things like that but enjoy the strange ramifications for what they are. I will dance the day I learn to do that with the rest of my life, all these other parts my mind makes more complicated than they are.

Laughter. I asked for a hard-drive for Mistmas so I could back up my laptop, but my laptop died a week before I could get it! Ah well, what can I do? We hope this man we brought it to can rescue the information off it, but if he can't...don't want to let myself get too heartbroken! So I've lost some pictures and stuff I loved. Time to start new collections, I would suppose!

Seems to me that self-loathing is actually a version of self-cherishing that's fallen deep in the shade - thinking 'I should be better; I need to love myself, but I can't, because I suck; I don't live up to any of the expectations that I should.' It's still living under the assumption that we should be better, that we should value ourselves and how important we are over other things. So just unsuccessful self-cherishing, same side of the coin! Thankfully on the other side of that coin is pure love & cherishing of others, which pulls each of us along organically and naturally, like the pull of a magnet...and that's what I'm looking for. Love others above myself and my own inherent worth & dignity will be safe, most of all from my own buzzard-picking mind!