Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

  • Mood:
I am trying so hard.

I don't know where to start this. Well, the good is that one thing was cleared up this weekend. I got a response from an old friend of mine and my heart felt peace. That was nice.

I did not get as much writing or work as I should have done this weekend. I felt incapable. I have got quite a bit done on my bird census for the prep work, especially for the first part. I read through my packets for tomorrow's seminar.

I didn't write. I am still at 28.3k out of 50k and I should be at 36k. Do I know if I'll finish NaNoWriMo this year? I don't know. I would love it if I did. I know I CAN. What I wonder is if I WILL.

The deadlines step closer, and my response historically has been to panic. I am trying so hard, SO HARD not to do that this time around. I am working every day to remember that I am trying my best, and even if my best of any particular moment isn't fantastic, it IS my best. I always put hard work into everything that I do - even if sometimes that work comes later than good time management would deem, or at times I would prefer it didn't (night time rather than day time).

At this point I don't think anyone would argue that I'm not trying hard or my best - not just school, as if that is the only key point in life, but in all of it. In trying to keep serene in the storms that always rock my boat the hardest: the School Storms.

I have an assessment due in on Friday and for the first time I'm getting solid work done on the behind-the-scenes work early. I have a poster due the following Tuesday that I haven't started, given that for some reason I seem to procrastinate posters the hardest. I have an optional 20-something-k words to write in a week if I desire it (and I hope I will). I will be collecting more deadlines through these upcoming days.

Tomorrow I am going to my seminar for 10 in the morning. My first ever seminar, to discuss the packets I've read and understand to a reasonable degree. I'm nervous. After that I intend to go to the library and work/write/procrastinate a little until 4.30, and then go home with Zoë and stick around hers until Rocky Horror goes on at 7.30. Perhaps I will spend some of the time writing. I'm not sure. I may stay over hers, go into campus on Tuesday for 10 and work/write until 2 p.m. when I have my Environment in Practice. It is my hope that in all that time I can finish the pre-write parts of my bird census assessment and either start writing it up or feel less nervous about moving on and starting my poster as well.

I'm still cleaning, meditating, playing and singing, journalling every night. Still trying to stay organised. Still trying to balance work and fun, times to break a little and shed tears and time for meditated serenity. I'm trying so hard.

I feel a little frayed, still. Not terribly, not in a broken way, but in that...ready to start heading home for a bit way. I'm excited to hug my family and help decorate and take some time to read a book in the bath, take some time to just let it all go. The thought of it brings peace to my mind.

I want to make my parents proud. I want to be a good man in a storm, especially my storms, so I can help others out in their (admittedly more reasonable) versions of turbulence.

I'm going to head off for meditation and peace and sleep, given that 8 hours every night is a part of the regimen I'm currently attempting. We'll see. There is an update of how my life currently is. Attempts at serenity in the face of deadlines. What a student.
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