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23 November 2009 @ 12:39 am
I am trying so hard.

I don't know where to start this. Well, the good is that one thing was cleared up this weekend. I got a response from an old friend of mine and my heart felt peace. That was nice.

I did not get as much writing or work as I should have done this weekend. I felt incapable. I have got quite a bit done on my bird census for the prep work, especially for the first part. I read through my packets for tomorrow's seminar.

I didn't write. I am still at 28.3k out of 50k and I should be at 36k. Do I know if I'll finish NaNoWriMo this year? I don't know. I would love it if I did. I know I CAN. What I wonder is if I WILL.

The deadlines step closer, and my response historically has been to panic. I am trying so hard, SO HARD not to do that this time around. I am working every day to remember that I am trying my best, and even if my best of any particular moment isn't fantastic, it IS my best. I always put hard work into everything that I do - even if sometimes that work comes later than good time management would deem, or at times I would prefer it didn't (night time rather than day time).

At this point I don't think anyone would argue that I'm not trying hard or my best - not just school, as if that is the only key point in life, but in all of it. In trying to keep serene in the storms that always rock my boat the hardest: the School Storms.

I have an assessment due in on Friday and for the first time I'm getting solid work done on the behind-the-scenes work early. I have a poster due the following Tuesday that I haven't started, given that for some reason I seem to procrastinate posters the hardest. I have an optional 20-something-k words to write in a week if I desire it (and I hope I will). I will be collecting more deadlines through these upcoming days.

Tomorrow I am going to my seminar for 10 in the morning. My first ever seminar, to discuss the packets I've read and understand to a reasonable degree. I'm nervous. After that I intend to go to the library and work/write/procrastinate a little until 4.30, and then go home with Zoë and stick around hers until Rocky Horror goes on at 7.30. Perhaps I will spend some of the time writing. I'm not sure. I may stay over hers, go into campus on Tuesday for 10 and work/write until 2 p.m. when I have my Environment in Practice. It is my hope that in all that time I can finish the pre-write parts of my bird census assessment and either start writing it up or feel less nervous about moving on and starting my poster as well.

I'm still cleaning, meditating, playing and singing, journalling every night. Still trying to stay organised. Still trying to balance work and fun, times to break a little and shed tears and time for meditated serenity. I'm trying so hard.

I feel a little frayed, still. Not terribly, not in a broken way, but in that...ready to start heading home for a bit way. I'm excited to hug my family and help decorate and take some time to read a book in the bath, take some time to just let it all go. The thought of it brings peace to my mind.

I want to make my parents proud. I want to be a good man in a storm, especially my storms, so I can help others out in their (admittedly more reasonable) versions of turbulence.

I'm going to head off for meditation and peace and sleep, given that 8 hours every night is a part of the regimen I'm currently attempting. We'll see. There is an update of how my life currently is. Attempts at serenity in the face of deadlines. What a student.
Current Mood: drainedDrained.
Treecreatesunspots on November 23rd, 2009 02:19 am (UTC)
we will find spaces. it's time for breath, for reminders, for air. we'll be okay. when we hold hands we are also holding each other up.

i am grateful for holding each other up even through all the turmoil and physical space between us. and for the stars above the overcast sky.
Kiwi Crocus: Winter || Winter in miniature.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 01:43 pm (UTC)
Breath, reminders and air. Those sound perfect. We'll be okay. Holding each other up...beautiful. I am grateful as well. The stars and moon make physical space feel like nothing and turmoil feel like a pesky mosquito bite in summer, when all else happy outweighs it and we hardly notice the itch. I love that night-time sky. And snow. When it comes, I will love snow.
gerristgerrist on November 23rd, 2009 03:08 am (UTC)
I'm glad coming home is a sanctuary time you are looking forward to. I'll boil the water and have some candles handy for a nice tub with the jets and stuff.

You'll get through the semester. And you'll write another book if it is meant to be. If not, you will still write another book ... when it is meant to be. I have certainty on this point.

Did I mention that the lovely environment woman who spoke at the climate change event (I sent you a UTUBE link to her talk and I highly recommend it!) mentioned her two heros? Margaret Mead (you'd love her work if you've bumped into it?) and ... can you guess? I'm sure you are guessing ...

YOU GOT IT!! Rachel Carson.

And Obama found her and snagged her to D.C. cause she's been part of the cause since she could understand it. Just like YOU!! XO Mom
Kiwi Crocus: Rachel Carson || Knowing and feeling...cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 01:44 pm (UTC)
Mmm, candles and boiling water! I can't wait. Baaaath. Smiles.

I'll get through the semester, definitely. I will certainly write another book - whether now or later, it will happen. Many books in the future.

Margaret Mead - I will have to look her up! Giggles. I knew the other would be Rachel Carson. That's lovely! And I'm glad Obama found and snagged her to D.C. :) I'm sure this environmental woman is great! I will have to look at her YouTube page.
101mutts: cherry tree101mutts on November 23rd, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
Sending positive energy.

You have all the tools you need, I think.
Kiwi Crocus: Crocus || Grow through snow...cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 01:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you, and I do! Just got to get myself to use them. :)
bexamillion: soccer what i live forbexamillion on November 23rd, 2009 05:36 am (UTC)
You can do it! I believe in you!
Kiwi Crocus: Jessica Capshaw || Butterfly glee!cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 01:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Your comment made me happy. :D
crazyboutremmycrazyboutremmy on November 23rd, 2009 12:22 pm (UTC)
Take a moment. Breathe. You are amazing, and you should believe in that.

We're here to listen to you. ♥
Kiwi Crocus: AFP || Imagine flowers.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 01:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you for all of those reminders. They were soothing. :) I will take this moment to believe you!

And thank you so much for listening. It helps!
Vpiggyzxtc on November 23rd, 2009 04:06 pm (UTC)
"I want to make my parents proud. I want to be a good man in a storm, especially my storms, so I can help others out in their (admittedly more reasonable) versions of turbulence."

You are going to be a good man in a storm! Scratch that a GREAT man in a storm! I'm sorry that school storms rock your boat the hardest. Hang in there! I know it seems hard right now, but college is so worth all the stress and hardship!
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Arizona Robbins || Laugh and crycranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
Blushes. Thank you! I hope I can be a great man in a storm - it's definitely what I strive to be! I'm sorry that school storms rock my boat the hardest too. It seems so silly, when I can handle all this other stuff. I'm hangin'! I'm sure college is worth it. :) It'll be bittersweet when it's over!
heartswaysheartsways on November 23rd, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
You know, you don't have to push yourself too hard. Part of taking care of yourself is to read that book in the bath and take time to be you, y'know?
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Callie Torres || Totes awake.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
Mmm. I'm trying not to push myself TOO hard - but at the end of the term, everyone is pushing hard. It's just how stuff works out, unfortunately. =( And I even worked early for stuff. End of term is just stressful and hard for everyone, regardless of when people do work! I am taking the time to read and take care of myself, even if I wouldn't dare set foot in my bath for anything more than a shower. ;)

These weeks are always a push. But then I get four weeks of time to be me, and I am grateful for those. I always look forward to them. :) Thank you for the reminders!
Vpiggyzxtc on November 24th, 2009 04:07 pm (UTC)
I'm starting to feel like I'm on a treasure hunt when I'm replying left right and center to your comments :) Haha I have to search all over!

You are definitely striving for greatness which is really nice to see! You are a girl with aspirations! Well I guess everyone has their Achilles heel? I always tell my students when they're being Debbie Downers that they can't be great at everything, and then remind them that they are great at some things! :D Same applies to you! I know that you're pretty awesome in quite a few things!

College is so worth it! I just got my 2 year reunion in the mail. I don't know if I'm feeling happy or sad? Dont. Know.

Finals and end of term was really really tough for me and for most people around me. I hated exams. HATED. But yeah do have some "me" time, SLEEP, EAT, SHOWER! Those are very important, especially the showering. Oh and the sleeping, but WAIT so is the eating... haha
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Arizona Robbins || Laugh and crycranky__crocus on November 26th, 2009 01:47 pm (UTC)
Mmm. I just don't want my aspirations to guide my inherent sense of joy with the world, you know? I don't want to have to be ambition-driven to seek happiness, because I won't find it that way. I can be happy to have ambition and desire to get things done, but it won't find me joy - gotta find that in me and not get stressed to panic, depression or anger with all the ambition gunk.

I guess the thign is I'm a jack of all trades. So I'm not significantly greater at many things, I just do my best with all of it and tend to do well. Probably due to the hard work more than inherent ability, but it all pleases me anyway. :P

2 year reunion. Wow. I somewhat can't wait for that day. Mainly for my high school reunion. :P

Haha, I'm keeping me time. :) Mainly in writing. Thankfully I don't have any exams (just an open-notebook test) until summer term. Then I'll be swamped! That is never much fun. Thanks for the comment!