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19 November 2009 @ 12:27 am
I have thought about a few things today.

- I thought about what someone said about Arizona coming off pushy and bossy sometimes, as if she wanted to change people. [I am not trying to start a flame war here, please, remember I'm not much into harsh debate, just thinking around here!] I wondered if I wasn't a little the same. In the words of Tina Fey's character from Mean Girls, "I'm a pusher." I do, I push and pull. I like people to be who they want to be, if they want the support - braver or more outspoken or more compassionate or more outgoing. I like to help. Especially if what people want is adult communication. But there are thin lines everywhere, and I'm sure I step over some in my desire to help. And I know I can be bossy, especially when it comes to work. I think in many ways I could come off as pushy, bossy and oriented towards changing people. I didn't know what to think of that.

- People have the value we project upon them. Chocolate, to me, is delicious; for Batgirl it is yucky (but that could also be tastebuds or early conditioning). To me, rain is run and dance-worth; to Batgirl it is hair-curling and enraging. This morning, I thought the wind would kill me and considered skipping lecture; outside, I thoroughly enjoyed the harsh breeze.

- Things can so easily get blown out of proportion with egos and attachment to outcomes, and not accepting to What Is. Not that we can't change What Is by taking another step, a step to the left and doing something new or surrendering and waiting it out; but fighting or resisting What Is is useless. Attaching to outcomes (if I bring this up, it will go this way, this outcome better occur) causes pain. Sometimes temporary satisfaction if it occurs that way, but equal or more (I vote more) pain if it doesn't. I asked in mediation society today if we could also have a conversation with the Zen people in town; Samatha said the meditation society was for his discipline for ease of learning in a linear, easier sequence (made sense). I was hurt and attached extra meanings when he brought up my 'beliefs' as a UU (open-mindedness, as if I am incapable of attaching to one path just because I accept truths imbued in many paths). I was nervous when I heard his voice on the phone because I had victimised myself and made him a bit of an antagonist for rejecting my suggestion (backing myself up with 'but other people want to learn too; it's only knowledge, we're not ditching anyone; it doesn't have to be part of the main society course; we can help set up the contact). Instead he told me Kelsang Loten had thought it would work to spend a week learning about Zen and we should start up contact. Samatha had not known how to answer. I should have remembered he has been a monk for a year, she for two decades. He is the president of the club but is open to reasoning from others - Loten will be important, as the Buddhist nun teacher of the society. I am glad she is open to learning about another discipling, comparing and contrasting, etc. I am glad Samatha is letting us do it. I am happy to help contact them with Nadia once Samatha sends us the information.

Learning process, learning process. Learning each time to take a bigger step out of my Mind when all it is doing is abusing its power. I am not my Mind. It is conditioned and filled with cycles. At present I have little grasp at running it on low power, and have to either turn it off with my games of Leaf or Hello Mind or Meditation, or have it on for my problem-solving. It all has to be very conscience and self-aware, and if I slip without noticing out of awareness, I end up caught up in the high-low, good-bad, black-white-confused cycles of my Mind.

There! I have thrown mindgoo at you! But this is my livejournal, where I occasionally allow myself to do that. :)

Also, when Jojo and I were going through our soil samples yesterday trading earth worms and pot worms? We were talking about our relationship vs. working with Pjort, and Jo mentioned that we worked well together. I said, "Like work wives!" and she said, "Exactly! We're work wives!" And then she got mad at me for not having my boobs out. (I wore my frog bra to press the shelf/the twins down.) Eeeeeven though she's a straightie, she's just as tied up with my boobs as the girls in high school! Silly. Pip and Jo spend half the time talking about my bosom. Harrumph! Giggles.

Gotta fly! Time to get a drink f water, play some gentle tunes on uke and crash major!
Chevy Eliot: Polar Hugtattooedsappho on November 19th, 2009 01:04 am (UTC)
it continues to amaze me that you are not older than me. ::huggles::
Kiwi Crocus: Xena || Gena || Lulz.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:31 pm (UTC)
Giggles, linear age is sometimes a puzzle to me. But we all seem to learn at different speeds, and we all learn different subjects in life, it seems! I am not amazed that I am not older than you. I am delighted and pleased that we are friends. I don't think my eyes see age gaps very well.
gerristgerrist on November 19th, 2009 01:12 am (UTC)
My mind has been SO LOUD lately. I need to take some of those steps you mention. I had always hoped I naturally grow mindless ... boy was I a dreamer!

Your writing and expression is your salvation. So wise and balanced of you to get the mind goo out in writing and then be freer!! I wish I had your natural discipline and enjoyment of the daily write!

Pjork still sounds irritating. I hope there is someone cool hidden in there ...

And regarding to thinking that you are sometimes seen as a bit pushy, outspoken or bossy. (That same part that may appear that way also holds some of your awesome strength!) Remember the training? Ooops, the Forum. OF COURSE we are all viewed that way sometimes : ). You can certainly blame me for teaching you excess forthrightness and take overy-ness if you want : ).

Love you. Mom

Kiwi Crocus: BSG || Roslin/Adama || Superheroes.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:35 pm (UTC)
Heehee, I hoped I would grow naturally mindless too. Looks like I'll have to put in some good effort and practice, giggles, like Abner the Contented Little Pussy Cat! I strive to be Abner. I'm still learning to catch my own tail and take delight in it.

My daily sing helps a lot too, if I can't write. Perhaps you should do a daily sing! I play ukulele and sing a few songs after I meditate, before I journal and go to sleep. And of course I sing myself to sleep too. :P

Hah, Pjort is still irritating. There is someone cool hidden down there. It's just deep, in places I can't always reach - sometimes I just don't have the time, or it's not the time to be doing it!

Smiles. Excess forthrightness and take overy-ness. I do appreciate it to some extent! And I like being able to give it up sometimes, too, when I can tell that it's more important for someone else in that moment than it is to me (mainly with non-school things).

Love you too!
fairy_fire: Dorkasorusfairy_fire on November 19th, 2009 01:16 am (UTC)
Everyone has that little bit that makes them pushy at times. But I don't see that as you even remotely half the time.
Kiwi Crocus: AFP || Imagine flowers.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) I do try not to be pushy most of the time - and it isn't in my nature - but sometimes it does come up. Other times it's more a standing tall and trying to support others in becoming the people they want to be, as I equally strive into the shoes I wish to stand in.
Reeferreefermadniss on November 19th, 2009 01:59 am (UTC)
I rather enjoy your 'mindgoo'. It gives me insight on how organised practitioners go about things. I'm just realising that some elements of Buddhist practise resonate with me very deeply, but I haven't sought out any instruction...
Kiwi Crocus: Buddha || Relaxation.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Smiles, I am hardly an organised practitioner! I am a highly disorganised student - of university and life. :) Some elements of Buddhist practice resonate deeply with me as well; many of the practices, although many of the beliefs not as deeply. Many of my practices are more Zen, I'm sure, but I have more learning to do on the differences. :)

I'm hoping to seek out more instruction as well. After this term ends I should be headed to a weekend meditation retreat. I think it will be a great way to decompress from my first semester as a second-year/junior.
101mutts: Britomartis butterfly101mutts on November 19th, 2009 02:35 am (UTC)
I also like your mindgoo! (Surprising, I think not)

And I really appreciate your "orientation to changing people." Lots.

For the meditation issue I think another antidote for egos is compassion, which you show when you discuss the experience level of the Samatha and Loten. For those not as connected with the Now, compassion may be easier to apply.
Kiwi Crocus: AFP || Imagine flowers.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
Certainly not surprising. :)

I'm glad you like my 'orientation to changing people.' Many people do come thank me afterwards, however I know not why - they're the ones who did the work! Still, I appreciate such comments.

The problem is that sometimes ego and compassion (not true compassion, but its guise) are mixed up - many people are compassionate FOR their ego, so their ego can say, "No look, we're good loving people!" A strange version of (untrue) altruism.

You think compassion may be easier to apply for those NOT as connected with the Now? Hmm.
Morninglorybluemorningloryblue on November 19th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)
I love the way you say this "I'm not much into harsh debate" - I try to say the same thing on my LJ from time-to-time because some of my friends have a tendency to pick apart things and challenge values and such...and I'm just not into it all. I do not like to be politically correct or engage in debates on my LJ. It is my space for freedom and thinking without having to be careful. Thanks for spelling it out!
Kiwi Crocus: AFP || Imagine flowers.cranky__crocus on November 23rd, 2009 12:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I always try to take care in mentioning it when I think something could bring up debate. My livejournal has a few times become a hot-spot for debate and I don't enjoy it. Discussion, I enjoy: it is less based on defending and proving, and more on relating and thinking. I prefer conversation with no clear 'sides,' only togetherness and respect.

Freedom and thinking without having to be careful. That is perfect. Certainly a no harsh debate area!

I do know many people who prefer their livejournal to be a place of debate - they post current event articles, things that peeve them and general prompts for heated discussion. It's easy to tell that I am not one of those people, but I like to take the care to say it, just so readers know!