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17 November 2009 @ 11:56 am
On Saturday I had lunch with Hayley (year one, we revised for exams together, lots of time together) and it was beautiful to be around someone else who finds work to be so important in life. We're both feeling stressed.

I've been writing and working a little. I haven't been able to work on my bird census assessment (27th November) or my poster (2nd December) yet, but I'm caught up for notes and I did the initial stats assessment. I just think it's all wrong and that stresses me out. I'm not a huge fan of how this class runs.

I can't believe it's Week 7. Even seeing that frightens me. I hit so much stress approaching week 10, I just feel...frayed and lonely. Fraying at the edges, stress biting at my toes and all other available skin.

This is my test, it seems. See how my 'routine' (as Mark-the-personal-tutor put it) works--the meditation, the journalling, the time for writing and reading. The trying to work at least a little early.

I want to pretend I'm not frightened, but I can't. My eyes are misting at the idea of the approaching deadlines and end-of-term evaluations. The assessment, the poster, the open-book test in Weed Biology, the talk of "this is due after winter break," the talk of semester 2, the talk of exams and year three and dissertations.

This is where I start to feel heavy. I don't want to this year; I want to stay light, stay focused, stay present. I will be working towards that.

I may need a little support these weeks, my love. And if I don't respond in good time please don't hesitate to poke me more - putting off my email (where all my messages go) is one of the first symptoms of my feeling stressed and overwhelmed and slipping away.

I suppose this is a warning of sorts too. For me and others. I want to remember that I can do this. It's just so easy to forget. I don't feel very capable, hah, hardly intelligent... Sigh. Time to pull myself up! I'm awesome. I can do this.
Current Mood: scaredScared.
lash_laruelash_larue on November 17th, 2009 12:28 pm (UTC)
Of course you can do it.
You always have, after all.

Alas, stress seems not to be subject to reason. At least not in my experience.

Smile a lot, that helps sometimes, * hugs *
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 18th, 2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the reminder. :) ♥
crazyboutremmycrazyboutremmy on November 17th, 2009 12:56 pm (UTC)
*squishes* I know what you mean about time flying past, and feeling so inadequate in the face of all these looming exams and deadlines. Sometimes I wonder if I should just drop down to Year 5; there are days when it feels like that is where my mental capabilities lie.

Any support you need, ask. ♥
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 18th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
Totally agreed on all of that!

We shall support each other! ♥

And if you ever want to chat real-time in a messenger client or something, let me know and we should figure it out!
Vpiggyzxtc on November 17th, 2009 02:14 pm (UTC)
You are awesome! Believe in yourself!
Kiwi Crocus: GA's || Calzone || Rest at last.cranky__crocus on November 18th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I feel ridiculous sometimes for needing the encouragement/reminder, but it always helps a lot, so thank you so so much. :)!
101mutts: brown dog101mutts on November 17th, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
You can do it, Kiwi! You can!

Sending love.
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 18th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
Can can, can I do the can can? I can do the can can, yes I can I can!

Thank you!
101mutts101mutts on November 18th, 2009 11:43 pm (UTC)
Just keep repeating to yourself "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..."

It becomes a tongue twister! o-O
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 19th, 2009 12:10 am (UTC)
It turned into "think again, think again, think again."

Perhaps I should come up with a mnemonic instead. :P
101mutts: brown dog101mutts on November 19th, 2009 01:06 am (UTC)
Or an acronym...? Shudders. Maybe not.
101mutts101mutts on November 19th, 2009 01:07 am (UTC)
It turned into dadinkacan adinkadin for me. Sounds sort of African to my ears.
(Deleted comment)
Kiwi Crocuscranky__crocus on November 18th, 2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. I appreciate it. ♥