Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

Yesterday:

[-] I sorted through a huge bag of dirt for insects and found SEVENTY-FIVE potworms (little white worms that wiggle around) when the next number down was thirty, and 10 earth worms. By the time I found one ant I didn't even recognise an ant anymore just because it wasn't a worm.
[?] I told Pjort/Spoc point blank to "go away" because I was upset and Siege was shaking me out of it and I would have snapped if he had kept hovering. I just couldn't deal with his hovering and my attempting to do science under stress.

Today:

[+] I woke up on time, made a sandwich and went into uni after eating a banana.
[+] I paid rapt attention through the first half of the lecture.
[-] The second half of the lecture was the detailed case study of figs and fig wasps, which we've already covered twice, and I very obviously zonked out.
[+] I went straight to the library and typed up my notes.

[+] In meditation I got a step closer to enlightenment. Loten was talking and my Mind was wandering, and at one point I said in my head, "You're a voice in my head." It (I) responded, "No I'm not." I said, "Yes, yes you are a voice in my mind." It pouted and shut up for this beautiful, peaceful moment in which all my attention, every iota, was on Loten. When my Mind came back I just watched it. I watched it move from "my hip hurts" to "I wonder if Sarah doesn't like me" to "I wonder if people can hear my stomach" and I just watched it flip around as if it were a specimen to behold--just watched it as a machine doing its rounds, almost, endless cycles. And I cracked the frak up. I flipped over the moon laughing. At the end I expressed the thought and Loten and Samatha laughed with me. He told me later he really appreciated what I said. At one point I pictured my thoughts as a bunch of words scrambling around in a glass box within my brain, and I watched each thought born without connecting to it. My amusement continued as I pictured myself taking a step to the left and this word!box falling to the floor, fighting to find a place to be again because it was useless without my energy pouring into it. I started playing the "Leaf" game in which whenever I get a thought I didn't consciously summon I say "Leaf!" or "Hello Mind" or "Hello Ego." I don't shove it away, it flies off like a leaf in the wind.

[+] I helped make sandwiches with Nadia and eventually Samatha.
[+] I made some new friends at the film showing. We had good food and PINEAPPLE PIZZA, which made me endlessly happy.
[+] My amusement at the playing-out of my Mind continued.
[+] I enjoyed the film Little Buddha.
[+] I had my picture taken and I am now on the Buddhist Meditation Society Committee.
[+] I came out to Samatha without thinking, and it made us both smile since I did it sticking up for the trans community. I am becoming more conscious of when I come out and it pleases me.
[+] I biked home in the rain and was smiling the whole way because it was raining and because I was so amused at my mind going "I wonder if I'll be able to open the door this time" "Sass yelled at me last time" and "Why do I suck so much with doors?? People must think I'm an idiot."
[+] I had pleasant, beautiful interactions with my housemates.
[+] It is midnight and I am in jammies and all I have to do is clean up a bit, put out clothes for tomorrow, read and go to sleep. Already meditated.

[+] MY LIFE IS SO CONTENT WHEN I DON'T TRY TO GO CONTROL!FREAK ON LIFE...and just do what I can to respond, otherwise surrender, no real judgement and just living. It's so brilliant. I feel content and peaceful. Tomorrow I have stats and I don't have the huge anxiety rock about seeing a professor I goofed up in front of, the way I normally would.
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