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31 October 2009 @ 03:57 pm
It's Halloween. I went to sleep at midnight last night. I woke up near noon today. I needed the sleep.

I was intending to stay in bed a bit with my laptop, shower, get ready, take my bike to the shop. It's now four p.m. and I'm about to get out of bed.

I think, yes I am a conflicted Kiwi. I have a lot to do. I have many excuses.

Mainly I've been thinking of the Going Out thing. It's easy to say no when I have all these plausible excuses--the need to do work, run errands, prepare, be responsible.

I'm supposed to be Young. I'm 19, a second-year uni students. Even the over-achieving students I meet tend to go out at least once a week.

I guess, when I erase the ideas of What Needs to be Done, I just don't feel as young as I 'should.'

I could go out tonight. It would hurt a bit, I'd have fun, I'm sure. Tomorrow I would hurt more, I'm sure I'd still find a way to have fun. It's Halloween. I could be going out, I could dance, I could meet people, I could be my social butterfly self.

I'm not sure why the idea right now brings tears to my eyes. I don't feel depressed, incapable of doing anything, even what I like, as I've sometimes felt. I know I'm approaching moon-time so I'm a bit PMSy, but I wouldn't think this much...

I guess I miss the dorky times when Halloween was about dressing up like literary characters or stereotypes (cheerleader, Rosethorn, Renaissance Woman and Mistress Hibbins/Professor McGonagall in high school) and going trick-or-treating with equally dorky friends, playing video games and noshing candy in-between.

I like going out occasionally, I love dancing, but...I definitely miss The Dorky aspect of my life I had in high school. Although we do stay in playing Mario Kart a lot here.

Hmm. I suppose I just don't want to feel that I'm being indirectly guilted into going out just because I have friends who would be excited if I did; I want to make the decision to go out on my own. Shakes head and laughs. I think what I need to do is just get myself up and ready for the day, however late!

What I need to do this weekend:

- Bike shop.
- CV.
- Write up notes.
- Start on environment in practice stuff.
- Work through stats again.
- Look at eboard for history and philosophy or science.
- Go shopping.
- Write.

I can do this! Stable stable, I'll be a grounded tree. Mmmhmm.