Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

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I drew animals. Cat, dog, snail, giraffe, tortoise, llama, penguin, unicorn, fish. Random animals, taken from a status update I made on Facebook. (And I fully intended to do a unicorn, and there will be two of them, because that's the way Kiwistories go.) I hope my grandmother will be pleased. I'm glad someone finally got around to doing them, because she's been asking for a decade and I think she asked me before when I was young...but I'm glad it waited until now, even though I'm tired.

I also watched "For All Time" clips with Mary McDonnell--basically any part she was in, given that's what I would care about.

Aaaand I realised I feel pretty darn screwed.

I was watching and admiring. Her acting, her character selection, her characterisation, her way of being, her inflection. It's never just the characters for me.

Anyway, it got to the point where they finally kiss. There's the slow and graceful head tilt and near-nuzzle, kiss to the cheek, gentle turn and press into passion. I've seen it a hundred times. I've marked each minuscule motion a hundred times, witnessed the slight differences that my favourite actresses will provide.

And oh my, I heated. I was confused at first. I understood the heart beat, I could comprehend the heat to my face...but there was heat through all of my belly, my mind went beautifully dizzy for a moment and a tingling sensation took over my knees. I noticed an increase in breath and thought, "Oh no," as I counted each symptom and used them as evidence.

My conclusion is that I'm an itty-bit screwed. Because yes, crushes are lovely, warmth is wonderful, etc... My first actual inkling of romantic feelings, for an actress on a screen? Now, not unusual, again, I've marked the behaviour in many before me.

However, I am repeatedly drawn to these women like Mary McDonnell. I can mark them through my history. Real life, Internet, television, interviews, everywhere.

And if I were ever to feel capable of even ATTEMPTING to flag the attention of one of these amazing, intelligent, beautiful women I would feel that I had to be a woman of Mary's calibre.

...and when is THAT going to happen?

Laughter, well, I'll make do. It was at least pleasant to feel a romantic stirring again, especially one so strong. I can understand why crushes revitalise people, give them a new sense of excitement. Now I suppose I'll be waiting for those butterflies to grace me without a screen present. But there's no hurry, I'm a patient young woman. ;)
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