Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus
cranky__crocus

Dichotomy

Yesterday. I tried to let myself sleep to catch up a bit, but then ended up waking at 5.30 and getting mediocre sleep from then until noon. It felt like a waste. Well, everything feels like a bit of a waste these days.

I worked on my ecology packet all day. That was not the intention, given I just had the final discussion to do. But every time I sat down to do it my body would start crying. So it was long in working through. Andrea and Lauren caught me sniffling at one point and came in to comfort me.

So that was the regular Frustration Circle. Sit down to work -> frustration/fear -> tears -> frustration at tears -> further hopelessness -> further tears. So I would take a deep breath and put my work aside for a moment.

I realised that playing Cat Stevens tends to help me a bit with staying in the present. The music reminds me of the World Around Me (giggles, WAM) and how there is so much more than all this. So I was able to work through the ecology packet more. Harry came and gave me a hug too.

But when I went down to Batgirl's room for a little break she asked me how my revision was going and I answered I got my ecology packet done, she looked at the calender and said, "You know we only have...a week left, right?" I swear I almost burst into a bubbly puddle right there on the spot.

Yes, I KNOW I have a week. Yes, I KNOW it's stupid that every time I sit down to my work I cry, because I AM intelligent and I CAN do it and I WILL be fine through all this. But does knowing all that on whatever level that I do actually help me right now? Apparently not, because I'm still crying every time I sit to work or revise. I feel helpless and stupid, and I hate that. But I gave her a look after she said it and she seemed to understand right away.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all a big excuse, a big safety net. That my grade anxiety/work panic/test anxiety is just there to excuse laziness or ordinary procrastination. And then I think that that doesn't feel right either, because I would be so happy to see it gone and be able to do these things early and feel good about them. So I don't know.

We watched Chronicles of Riddick last night. I organised my exploiters notes. Tin and Emma joined too, which was nice. They're so cute together. Went to bed early last night but then woke up again earlier than intended and had yuck-o sleep until 9.15, when my alarm went off. Now it's 10 to 11 and I'm finally going to settle down to whatever it is that revision is, which eludes me.

I skimmed an email my Mum sent the other day. It mentioned Da not doing The Relationship Thing in university either, just using the time to focus on Self and Work. But then it made me thing that I'm just being terrible because I'm not doing a very good job concentrating on Work if I seem to just fail at doing it. I don't know. I just feel like a frakup most of the time.

Yeah, I think it's time for some Cat Stevens. 'cause mySelf as a Person seems to be a dichotomy: the cool singing ukulele girl who has her head screwed on right and everyone goes to, and the panicked little girl whose mind is constant mush and emotion body is in riot so she just can't seem to get anything done.

(I miss knowing there are compassionate woman teachers around to run to when I need a hug and assurance that I'm going to be just fine, and people are going to love me anyway, unconditionally--because goodness knows I've got a list of conditions for MYSELF.)
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