Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

A Last?

I've just finished sobbing to Lora and Mary.

I was feeling sick about working a while ago and had set up my sections for the assessment. I wanted to calm my stomach, so I picked up an apple and the book Memere sent me - The Little Prince. I walked up and down the corridor munching and reading, then threw the stuff away in Lora's room since I was near hers when I finished.

Came back to my room and had an email. A very short email.

Background being, oh, on Saturday I emailed Mrs. Cavanagh. A feelings email. I tried to be Kiwish, I tried to not be super painful, I tried to just be authentic and leave some of it happy. I just tried so hard and put so much of myself into the email.

Hey Mrs. Cavanagh,

Would you still like me to email you? It's getting a bit painful to send emails with how I'm doing and not get much back. I love sending you emails. Not hearing back when I'm pretty sure you've read them hurts. I don't do so well with short emails, either – generally a paragraph or two, just about the simple mundane stuff most people consider small talk. "I graded papers today. Youch, I got a paper cut!"

I don't really 'feel' much of you there with the responses I've had thus far, which could probably come off sounding selfish, but at present it's how I'm feeling... It's not deep stuff from you that makes me connect the email with your presence, either, I promise! It's the way you string sentences together and the way I can match certain things you say to certain facial expressions. It could be just my feeling disconnected, but when I read the replies you've sent I sort of just see your stoic I'm-dealing-with-a-student-who-isn't-respecting-me face reading it off; the sort of face you'd give Kelly when she came to you during your free time, lunch, and then swore a lot when she didn't understand and you wanted to eat.

I can't really afford to have this on my mind as much as it is because at present I have enough to panic about – chemistry exam coming up, plant practicals/labs to write up, two papers, a presentation, and some other stuff! I'm prone enough to school panic as it is, unfortunately. It's really rough for me to also worry that you don't want to hear from me any more or that you're afraid to give me mundane details of your life just in the funny ways you're able to describe things.

I know you mentioned you didn't want to email much any more because they got too deep, and I can understand that. But you also said you wanted to hear from me, and email is the only way, so I get a bit confused. Especially since I am totally not secure enough with myself to send off emails to people I love without getting responses, or getting short ones. ("Long" emails to me aren't actually that long with my other-people standards; probably 3 paragraphs constitutes long in my head for other people, and medium spans 1 long paragraph to 2 paragraphs, which I love as well.) I also tend to prefer shorter and sillier to longer and deeper.

I miss your voice – I said before I normally don't miss people, but I've come to understand that I don't miss people when I feel I can contact them at any time and get a response soon after; it feels as though they're still right here with me. I miss you because your voice isn't around in my life any more, really. I feel really disconnected.

Perhaps you could give me a heads up of how often you'd like to hear from me, if you would like to? Or if you ever wanted a quick-and-silly conversation you could email me to tell me you'd consider going online, and if I emailed right back we could both go on? I would really love that. I would love that so much. I love my quickie AIM conversations with Ms. Fraser and Mrs. Smith. They can light up my day!

I would love if we could find a medium between what we were at – I don't think either of us want to or has the time for an email a day – and what we have right now, which to me feels painfully close to nothing. At present it's a bit too painful for me to do, and I also fear sending this because if the response says no it'll be painful again for a while but I don't know if it'll be as painful because at least I'll have an answer, or...well, I don't know ors, and I'm going to try to stay out of the 'what ifs' too because they can be generally icktastic as well.

Hope you're hearing the Kiwi voice in this, and that it hasn't been mechanical or robotic. Or really ouchy. I wouldn't want to do that to you. You're my kindred!

Sending you love and productivity energy to store up for what I've heard is going to be a very long winter break this year. And some laze-around-reading energy, because that's always nice too. Have any good book recommendations?




P.S. My brother has decided he wants to go to a good college, and he's doing really well in school! All A's and one B+ in English, that he's working really hard for! My little Dweeb is going for it!

The email I got back answered so very, very little.

Dear Kiwi,

I had time yesterday to reply to your "Chemistryyyy" email. Before I did so, I read your "Question" email. Powerful. I decided to sleep on it.

You cannot cotrol how often, how speedy, how much or what I write in a reply. If this causes you undue anxiety, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Cav

Tell me, why even put "Dear" in front of it? And I wasn't just trying to complain about not having a quick response to Chemistryyyy. I wasn't. And oh, apparently my Questions email was "Powerful." So she slept on it. And gave me what? 2 sentences.

Does she want me to keep emailing her? Hell if I know! Will she ever go on IM again? Hell if I know! Would she be willing to set up a schedule? Hell if I know!

She she even fucking love me anymore? Hell if I fucking know!

I am not trying to CONTROL her responses. I am letting her know things that hurt me, I am letting her know ways to reach me, I am trying to come up with solutions that hurt people less all around.

I don't know who she is anymore. I took the two pictures with her and threw them across the room, then haphazardly back on my desk. I glared at the gown in my closet, at the cards on my wall and the little glove and the jewelry box in my drawer, at my journal in general. And I'm damn well glad my speakers weren't in my room because I probably would have thrown them out the window of my sixth floor room.

I am in so much pain.

I think breakups with friends are worse than breakups with lovers, because with lovers there's a good chance of the "let's be friends" stage and at least having a friend you know you already love.

What about fucking ends of friendships?

I can't stop crying. She knows me. She knows how sensitive I am. She put that so concisely, so whetted...after a night of sleeping on it? She once mentioned, when we got the closest we ever got to an argument, "Look how careful we're being with each other!" because even when we disagreed, we still took so much care with the other until we worked through it. We got to a solution. We compromised and explained. We did not "control." We requested and agreed.

Maybe it's best I got this email tonight. Now even if I didn't have an assessment I wouldn't be able to sleep.

My email was terrible. It sounds terrible in hindread. Her email was terrible. It sounds so no matter how many times I read it.

So this is us being entirely cut open on the rocks.

I am hating life right now. A lot.
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