Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus

A Fuck Entry

When someone points out your flaws, and then you think of more of your flaws on your own, what can you do?

"You're right" is the only thing I can do.

I am so torn on everything right now. And I've pissed people off, and made people roll eyes, and made other people look down on me.

I don't know what I fucking believe. I'm confused. I wish I didn't flip flop, I wish I could be cement. I wish I could be passionate and stand up and have the guts to dislike people.

But at the same time I don't WANT to dislike people, because in almost every case I've found things about the person I really like.

I want. What do I want.

I want to like people. I want to accept people. I want to be able to acknowledge when I think people are wrong, and when I disagree; I want to be able to stand up for that. I want to be able to disagree with people and have it not be a big issue that divides people up; I want to be able to agree to disagree and be able to go on with the liking. I want to not have the wool over my eyes about people, or not give up the feeling that I do. I want to not be judged for whom I like all over the board, by all of the other members (I mean this metaphorically, not literally; this entry is pertaining to my life in general and many different people). I want to like myself. I want to not feel so naive.

I want to not feel sick every time this stuff happens. I want to have it not affect me, not have me cry, not leave me unable to do stuff for a while. I want hugs. I want to stop being a pity party. I want to be able to do things that I think are right without having my sense of Right suddenly change and I don't want to feel guilty. I want to support people and not make people angry.

But none of this is anything new. It's the stuff I've been struggling with since elementary school, the stuff that made me the shy little girl who didn't often speak up. It's the same stuff that made me not very well-liked on the playground - and I've been thinking about it all week since the elementary school picture went up.

I can't tiptoe around trying to avoid hurting all feelings and angering all people; I can't live my life like I'm walking through a mine field. Especially when half the mines are imaginary and there are more out there that are actually there that I don't even see.

But that's how I am. Most of the time I don't have it in me to make people angry for standing up and disagreeing, it's for not doing it or going back on myself or being a lapdog or a pity party or too sensitive or just someone it's impossible to hold a proper adult conversation with; for flip-flopping and circling everything.

The only one I make properly angry is myself, and that's not the way it should be.

And then I look at the above and wonder, "Is this just another defense mechanism? Is this just being down on myself because then people will be less likely to be down on me because they'd feel bad? Is this fishing for the *hugs* you seem to mock yet simultaneously ask for?" And I think if I'm being honest - because goodness knows being honest is good, and I'm not honest enough - it's both. I'm down on myself because this is often how I feel about myself when the situations come up, and I'm down on myself because it puts people off attacking me because I'm already attacking myself and what's the point of making comments then? I don't even remember which hurts more anymore, ripping into myself or hearing comments from others that aren't even meant to be offending I just take them as such. I sadly think it's still the second. Fuck being sensitive. Fuck not having a spine.

Fuck this all. I wish I had the strength my fucking best friend does. She knows how to do it right.

(I also love how in my head there's a voice pleading, "Please put up a warning at the end! Put up 'ignore this if it makes you angry' or 'please don't be angry with me' or 'please be careful with me because I'm sensitive.' Otherwise they'll hurt you!" because hey, there's my secret! That little voice who thinks everyone's out to fucking get me! There we go, this is livejournal being my therapist! It got right down to the bone, don't you think? That little voice leads to all of this. If I were out of my Mind, none of this would exist. All non-offending-but-misunderstood or sarcastic-but-not-intentionally-mean or downright-mean comments wouldn't feel like ripping a part of me away or wounding me, because there would be no identity to wound. Wouldn't that be lovely. Until I get out of Time enough for that, I'm stuck.)

TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read): I'm afraid of people disliking me. All the fears and actions that stem from that cause people to dislike me. Lulz, isn't that a laugh?
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