So instead I'm frightened of my own mind. It reminds me of how these beautifully dark people, lets say Gothic, can find beauty in the darkest of places--how I can look at one of Lora's dark paintings and see beauty with powerfully loving messages, which she put in them. It's sort of like that. I wrote a scary and gory story that holds within my thanks for the people I'm living with. I think Lora will appreciate it. I don't think the others would necessarily understand.
I've just had a strange feeling all day.
I wonder why I don't feel homesick. Everyone talks about the homesick feelings of going away to college for the first time. People ask, "Well, having you talked to your parents?" and I mention email and stuff. They act really surprised. They ask how I can do it and it shocks them when I say, "But I'm going to see them at Christmas!"
Is my sense of time just strange? Why don't I miss people? I think of others fondly, smile, remember them, and move on. It's not this yearning to be around them, which I have been told missing feels like. I don't get that.
I look around my room with my stuff, feel myself where I am, and I just feel Whole. I know I have family and loved ones other places and that I can speak communicate with them from here, but might not see them for a while; it doesn't bother me or take away any of my feeling of Wholeness. It doesn't make me sad or miss anyone.
I feel sort of odd for this given that I haven't found anyone who describes any similar feelings. They've all grown used to my being strange--meditating nearly every day in the dark, my strange antics, the way I talk about thoughts and emotions and the world.
Hmm. I'm going to stop thinking.
Time to clean and be a good little Kiwi!
(All the writing also makes me wonder sometimes why I didn't go into writing, but I still realize that's not where I want to be. I'm so happy to have it be something that has nothing to do with grades or evaluation. It's my heart and I don't want it out and open to everyone--I want to pick and choose whom it goes to!)