Kiwi Crocus (cranky__crocus) wrote,
Kiwi Crocus


So last night I started the ghost story. I finished it today. 8 pages, 5 thousand something words, not much. What was going to be an incredibly scary story turned into just a strange sort of appreciation to 6th floor Windsor people.

So instead I'm frightened of my own mind. It reminds me of how these beautifully dark people, lets say Gothic, can find beauty in the darkest of places--how I can look at one of Lora's dark paintings and see beauty with powerfully loving messages, which she put in them. It's sort of like that. I wrote a scary and gory story that holds within my thanks for the people I'm living with. I think Lora will appreciate it. I don't think the others would necessarily understand.

I've just had a strange feeling all day.

I wonder why I don't feel homesick. Everyone talks about the homesick feelings of going away to college for the first time. People ask, "Well, having you talked to your parents?" and I mention email and stuff. They act really surprised. They ask how I can do it and it shocks them when I say, "But I'm going to see them at Christmas!"

Is my sense of time just strange? Why don't I miss people? I think of others fondly, smile, remember them, and move on. It's not this yearning to be around them, which I have been told missing feels like. I don't get that.

I look around my room with my stuff, feel myself where I am, and I just feel Whole. I know I have family and loved ones other places and that I can speak communicate with them from here, but might not see them for a while; it doesn't bother me or take away any of my feeling of Wholeness. It doesn't make me sad or miss anyone.

I feel sort of odd for this given that I haven't found anyone who describes any similar feelings. They've all grown used to my being strange--meditating nearly every day in the dark, my strange antics, the way I talk about thoughts and emotions and the world.

Hmm. I'm going to stop thinking.

Time to clean and be a good little Kiwi!

(All the writing also makes me wonder sometimes why I didn't go into writing, but I still realize that's not where I want to be. I'm so happy to have it be something that has nothing to do with grades or evaluation. It's my heart and I don't want it out and open to everyone--I want to pick and choose whom it goes to!)
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