I don't think I would ever have it in me to end it - I tried once, as a senior. She gave me a graduation present with a wink. She had lunch with me over the summer. It's not as though she doesn't care for me or ignores me when I'm THERE - she just seems to want some contact through Internet that she won't return. I need to work it out.
Last night after crying I slept with one of the white gloves she gave me.
Losing her would be too much for me. She was there through so much and she's such an amazing person. She has been a huge voice in my life and has filled so many roles.
But if she IS going to keep hurting me - purposefully (never) or not - I won't be able to do it. My messages won't be through me, I'll drop them through Mrs. Smith or Shaya or others in general, to not deal with the whole reply factor. She will get very little about my life.
I would like to be able to send her little joke emails like I do with so many others. "Ohgoodness, I have to buy a white labcoat now! I guess that really DOES make me a science major, doesn't it? I'll be a mad scientist! ...only I don't think it'll stay White for long!" But I can't do that if I fear every time if she will reply and if her reply will be adequate and Present.
This is distracting me from my work. Yesterday I should have had far more done than I do. Now I have to write the whole report today after organising information. And, yes, it's only 1500 words and I've had heftier projects to do in one night for Lee's class (procrastination meant having EVERYTHING to do in the night) AND I do have some of Friday as well for touch-up and editing. But I was still trying to be more responsible with my time management and my first assessment. I can't be distracted like this again, especially not when it comes time to passing things in that actually count fora mark and are not just evaluated to see that we understand how to do them.
It's time for me to shower and wake up now. Have lunch. Write up and organize my information, try to start outlining my essay. I've spent too much time on it.
No good deed goes unpunished...
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
I think I'll try
And you can't pull me down!